Kevin, I helped my friend write this essay ,could you proofread it and give me some suggestions on it> thanks
In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
Before leaving for America as an exchange student, I held my stereotype of Americans. A year later, I not only have a better insight of Americans but also enabled my American classmates and the friends around me to change their stereotypes towards my country.
With respect to my personal life in America with my host family, the primary adaptation which occurred in my life was to become an independent person. In comparison with my life in America, my life in China was full of direct and indirect support and assistance from my family members. However, a year living in America, I began to manage my time on various aspects from getting up on time to finishing my assignments; from organizing my spare time and hanging out with my friends to doing volunteer jobs on weekends, thereby meeting more locals and having a better insight into American traditions, customs, and cultures.
Next, the second valuable change in my life was to realize that academic studies are just a small part of students' whole life. Behind the scene, the truth is that for most of the Chinese students, academic studies are much more imperative than anything else at all. I began, however, to think about following an advanced track that besides academic studies, there are much more matters in life. In other words, I put efforts into exploring my interests consciously rather than concentrating all on academic ones. Under this scenario, my host mom, who graduated from Georgetown University with a major in International Relations, came into my life. While spending one year with her, I started listening to the CNN World Service and reading internationally recognized journals and magazines. I have become convinced that a first level education relevant to world affairs would help me to gain knowledge that would allow me to pursue a wide range of possibilities. My career ambition is to find a suitable role within an international organization, such as the UN, ideally with specific focus on assisting people who have been displaced due to civil unrest, war, famine or other natural disasters.
Therefore, I look forward to the challenges and opportunities that studying in the American universities present. I value very greatly the chance to be a part of such a known institution as your university is, and I believe that through my personality I can add work effort and experiences.
Dear friends, would you take your some minutes to proofread my essay and give me some constructive suggestions on it . Thank you in advance.
...keep trying until I find success.
...how to manage my time due to the fact that academic studies and workouts with my coach are both important to me.
The persistence and strong determination I have learned from them have shaped my positive attitude about my future. ----excellent!!
Honestly speaking, my parents and my coach are very proud of what I have achieved by engaging in figure skating; however, I realize that figure skating has been part of my life and the root happiness of my life.
You write very clearly; even though there are some errors, it is easy to understand and appreciate.
You should add one more sentence to that first paragraph... a sentence that tells them something you really want them to know about your intentions for applying that persistence and strong determination as a student in these next few years.
which lets me be addicted to it. might want to find a calmer word than addiction, maybe in love with, obsessed, ect.
Honest Speaking, my parents and my coach
you might want to move this sentence : figure skating has been part of my life and the root happiness of my lifeto the start of your last paragraph. It adds personal strength since you are putting your parents reaction after your own
My parents always tell me that hard work and persistent efforts will pay off and that I should keep trying until success is found.
I think this is a common verse so to make your writing more intresting you would used a better and uncommon statement . besides, the rest of the writing is straight and clear .
