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Hard-working, analytical, intellectual - Application essay from an international student.

ddejud 1 / 2  
Sep 27, 2020   #1
I will be applying to universities this year and I'm currently working on my personal profile. It would be of huge help if I could get some feedback on this one.

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. (maximum 250 words)

In an academic level, I am mostly described by others as a hard-working, analytical, intellectual, and helping person. On the other hand, and on a more personal level, they would say I am happy, optimistic, loving, understanding, and successful. I like to think those traits apply to me, but I also want to emphasize that they did not come embedded in me and that I actually had to work hard for them. Like everyone, I have been through troubling times. I will go on ahead and elaborate on what I just said by talking about what I am most proud of.

I could easily start talking about my academic and extracurricular achievements, but I would just be lying to myself. In reality, what makes me proudest started when I was suffering from severe anxiety; I was always comparing myself to others and looking for ways in which I could be better than them. This was my biggest mistake. It turns out that by constantly looking towards others to justify my self-worth, I was just jeopardizing my self-esteem. What makes me the proudest about myself is that I was able to realize and understand this, and I made changes to my way of thinking that made me who I am today: I started competing against myself, seeing others as support and not adversaries, and for the first time I started believing in my own potential. There's still much to be done, but I'm proud of what I have achieved so far.
tolbertk 1 / 1 1  
Sep 28, 2020   #2
I enjoyed reading your answer to the question. I would say that you should cut out some of the transitioning lines such as - "I will go on ahead and elaborate ..." and " What makes me the proudest ..." By cutting that out is will give you more room to talk about your achievement. You should elaborate more on your achievement or even include a mini personal anecdote. And try to end out stronger, make that last sentence pack a punch.
OP ddejud 1 / 2  
Sep 28, 2020   #3
Thank you very much for your feedback! What do you think of "I went from envying those at the top to acquiring the highest average in the school while being happier and working harder to outdo myself every day" for an example? Also, do you have any suggestions for the conclusion? I can't think of anything right now.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,923 3562  
Sep 28, 2020   #4
Whether or not you believe in the way that other people describe you is not an issue or consideration for this prompt. You should be finding a way to say that you believe in the way that other people see you. You can indicate that you are pleased and proud of the way they see you as a person, offspring, and friend because there is a secret behind the way they see you. Then emphasize that it is this secret that you are actually proud of. Use the anxiety as the hook for your story. If you can somehow present the anxiety first, and then the way other people view you second, the essay should be more interesting to read as it will have fully utilized an interesting hook at the start.
OP ddejud 1 / 2  
Sep 28, 2020   #5
Thank you very much for your response! I applied the first part, however, I can't seem to find a way to present the anxiety first.

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