'really hard working'- world you come from and how your world shaped your aspirations

can you read my essay? and make some comments on it so that will help me to improve my essay. thanks

"My Inspiration"

In every hard work, there's a success in the end. First of all, I grew up with a broken family. There was a time that I want to give up, but I've tried not to because if I give up how can I support my family? At young age, I've overcome lots of challenges in life. These challenges, taught me how to be strong to face difficult situations and overcome entire obstacles in life.

The dream of every parent is to see their children make it life rather than turning out miserable, and so was the dream of my parents. Although we never agreed on certain issues, they have really inspired me in every aspect of my life. I remembered the day when we encountered a difficult situation, I did not know what to do because my father lost his job, so my mother had to work abroad to fulfill our needs.

Three years ago when I'm still in Philippines, I experienced how life is really difficult without money. We are lucky if we eat once. I ask myself what would happen next to us. I told myself that if I had my own family, I wouldn't let my children face poverty because I don't want them to sacrifice. I would try to provide them a comfortable atmosphere for living to have a better life than me. I don't want to conquer this anymore. Because of my experiences, this obstacle steers me to be inspired and be motivated in life.

At the age of fifteen, my Mother told me about my Aunt's success. She told me that my Aunt's family is broken too. With her fighting spirits, she stays strong and reaches her dreams. We both grew up with a broken family. Now, she is a flight attendant in Qatar. Everything that she did ends up to success. She was my inspiration in life. I am always telling to myself that "I want to be a flight attendant, I should follow her steps," steps to success.

At the age of sixteen, my stepfather decided to adopt me and my brother. When the day I came here, I was really happy but had a little bit sadness because my sister and my real father were left in the Philippines, but I know it is okay because this would help me to have a better life. Then I told myself that when I'm done in college, I will bring my father here. I'm still hoping that one day, we can be complete again and all of us have a better life pursuing our own dreams.

Life here in the U.S.A. looks like the same in Philippines, but here, study first, pay later. In Philippines, we need to pay tuition first before we enter to a private school. I remembered one time, I see a homeless old man, I want to help him but I don't have anything to support him. I was disappointed that I could not help him. One thing that I see, I need to be responsible and be strong to pursue my goals. In order to help this old man, to help my family, I need to study hard and earn money. Education is my only key to success.

When I started studying here, I met some new friends. I thought that they are good friends of mine, but when I noticed that they are fake friends, I decided to avoid them. Some of them are making fun of me. Then, one time when I was in the hallway, they bullied me but one thing that I did not give up is to prove to them that even if they bullied me many times, I can be successful in life. I wanted to prove them that they're wrong. Those people who put me down became my inspiration in life. It taught me that I should be wise for choosing my true friend.

Sometimes I want to give up, but because of the experiences that I've been through it gives me an inspiration to finish high school and go to a four year college. I don't want to live in a fabulous life. I just want to live with a simple life that I can help other people including my family. In fact, after high school I will look for a scholarship or a financial aid to go to a four year college course in college. After college, I will find a better job and I will work hard to support my family.

Not because you are poor, you will give up. You should not be. You can be an inspiration to others, so they can be responsible in life. Learn from the experiences that would be interesting to you in order to reach your dreams. Do not get easily affected to what you hear about you. Keep in mind, always be strong and be positive in life. If you are in the right track, you will probably more fortunate.

In life, sometimes you'll fail, sometimes you'll succeed, or vice-versa. But if you are a hard working person, you will reach your dream and have a better life. I know that some of the time I fail, but I do not give up because I always put in my mind that all of these are for my family, they should be my first priority before others. I want them to be proud of me by studying hard and reaching my real dreams. I am really thankful that I still have a better life today; I learn many things about my family and myself. No matter what happen, I will do my best to prove that I'm worth it with my family.

The tens used for the first part of the sentence is past tens, while the second part is present tens. Write the second part of the sentence as past tens, too.


Do not use contractions in writing.




U wrote the essay in past tens. When u use "I rememebr", it means that u are going to discuss an event which occurred in the past.


Use synonym such as "barriers", " hard conditions/circumstances", "difficulties".


I think the word "immigrate" is a better choice in this context compared to "move".

is my essay answer the prompt ?

the essay is personal and shows a clear description of where you came from, grammer is solid and the flow is easy to relate to

i add some more paragraphs, can you guys check it again after im done doing it?

I think the word "expect" is better than "want". This is just my opinion


As I told you, DO NOT use contractions in writing.


Suggestions: "They did not want their children to choose their ways of life" OR "They want us to choose a new way of life, which is different from what they do"


U used "I remember" in the second paragraph. Use various structures for opening the paragraphs. For example U could say:"About xx years ago that I was still in Philippines...". Do not use "THE" before the name of countries.



Suggestion: "I would try to provide them a comfortable atmosphere for living to have a better life than me"


I prefer the words "drives", and "steers" rather than "push"


Repetition


Revise this part. Making money and searching for father were not linked well.

I am sorry, I did a mistake in the previous post. "Do" must be replaced with "Did".
"They want us to choose a new way of life, which is different from what they dodid "

"but because of them I became inspired in life." I think you write " their advices always inspired me through out my life.

thanks for your feedbacks. If I still have mistakes to my first essay, let me know. By the way,I have another essay prompt. Here's the other essay prompt:

Tell us about a personal quality,talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishments makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

My unfinished essay:

I am a simple person who wants to live in a simple life. I am not a type of person who loves to be in a social life. I do not have lots of friends not because I'm not friendly. I just do not like a person who has a bad attitude. I know it looks like that I'm choosy because I already experienced this lots of time. I understand some of them because I know we both are not perfect.

Actually, I am the type of person who wants to guide others who are lost in their minds. I know that some people do not like it, but I'm doing this because I just wanted to help them. I'm just being real and this is how the way I born. Some people do not like me because they say that they do not understand me or they do not really like the way I am. I understand to what they are saying. It's okay for me because if someone does not like me I'll not force myself to be with them.

I admit that I'm a really shy type person. Honestly, I'm sensitive. I get really affected to what I hear about me. I'm also a serious type of person. But being shy and being sensitive taught me lots of lessons. For example, when I was at the age of thirteen, my teacher asks me to speak loudly in our play. At first, I was nervous. They know that I'm really shy, but one thing that I learned is that they forcing me to have self confidence. I need to be by myself to get rid out of my shyness. Face my fear. Even before, I do not have self confidence. I just learn to have a self confidence when I turn at the middle of my teenage life.

--Can you help me how to answer this prompt? I do not really know how to start it. This is just a rough draft. I'm not really sure about my essay.

@joel did u edited my essay or did you just put what i wrote before?
my new revision essay is already right there and I add some paragraphs.

Excuse me. But could any one go to my link and help me, my English was so bad, so I really need your help, plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz