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"The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay


adam2028 10 / 36  
Dec 26, 2010   #1
Sweat beaded along my brow line. My vision swam, and the lights seemed to beat down on me like the desert sun. "Adam, are you alright?" I leaned heavily against a locker. "Adam, don't just stand there, you asked to talk to me." The voice sounded distant, as if I had retreated so far within myself that sound had trouble reaching me. I breathed deeply and tried to regain composure despite my rapidly beating heart. "I..." I managed. Words seemed loath to leave my lips. I felt as if everyone in the hallway was looking at me. My cheeks burned red and my eyes affixed themselves to my shoes. Every agonizing second seemed to last for hours. Finally, I managed to choke out a garbled reply. "I...I wanted to tell you that you're special to me," I mumbled. "You're special to me too, Adam. I'm glad we're friends." Such cruel words were so beautifully spoken.

It was an enlightening experience. I could perform on stage in front of thousands of people. I could survive years of abuse, nurse relatives back from the brink of death, and help my mother support our family single-handedly, but there I was, daunted by a 5' 5", 100 lb pound, green-eyed girl. During those few seconds, I would have preferred the beatings to telling my best friend how I felt.

My fear ran deeper than mere nervousness. I had learned at an early age to confine my feeling to my mind's inner sanctum lest a stray remark incur my father's wrath. It was tantamount to torture for me to open myself to another person like that. I felt so vulnerable. More to the point, she was my friend, and I had never had many of those. She had changed my life when she walked into class the first day we met. It was the first day of seventh grade and I had taken my seat in the back corner of the class for gifted children. I never talked much, and she must have noticed my quiet demeanor, because, after a few minutes, she walked over, sat across the table from me, and just started talking. From that point on, I had someone in which I could confide in. To be perfectly candid, she was the first real friend I had ever had.

We often dismiss the tribulations of the average high school students as mere trivialities, but my time with Skyler has made me see something more in them. The events in my life have always oscillated between miracle and travesty. The hardship of my life and even the exceeding grace that has offered me a reprieve from it have made the struggles of normal human life a distant imagining. Falling in love, or thinking we do, making new friends, understanding a new concept in class, having a conversation, sharing a laugh-these are everyday experiences that we often discount-but, as someone who's life has made these moments scarce, I have learned that it is in these moments that we can find great knowledge, not just of the world, but of ourselves.
Andromeda21 3 / 17  
Dec 26, 2010   #2
Hey so I read all of your posts but the other threads were closed so I'll just comment on here.

First off, your common app essay was PHENOMENAL. You know how they say the essay can be the deciding factor? Well, in your case, I think it brings to light just how much you have accomplished compared to all these other pricks who have had it easy, and it will surely get you anywhere you want to go. There were a couple of grammar things, like "doctors were astounded" instead of "doctor's", and in my opinion you should rephrase your last sentence. It could be so much more powerful since your last paragraph is breathtaking and I feel like you rushed the last sentence to wrap it up which would be such a shame.

Second, I think your first version of this supplement was more powerful. The one in which you define success.

However, if you are going to go with this one you should know what "100 lb pounds" is redundant and it's in your last sentence it's WHOSE not who's.

That's my two cents, hope it helps, I love your writing, admire your strength, and wish you the best of luck in the future.
OP adam2028 10 / 36  
Dec 27, 2010   #3
I really appreciate it.Do you think it would be a good idea to combine my original supplement and my common app essay
Andromeda21 3 / 17  
Dec 27, 2010   #4
I was thinking about that since they're so similar...

Ok, I just re-skimmed them. What do you think about this - since your thesis about success is possibly more powerful than your intro on history with the quote from Wells, maybe you should replace it with the success one and combine like that?

Sound good?
But if so, what are you going to use as your supplement instead, this one?

I'm gonna be up for atleast another 2 hours by the way. I'm working on like six supplements. So if you're gonna be working on this I'm here to bounce ideas off of or whatever :)
OP adam2028 10 / 36  
Dec 27, 2010   #5
Thanks! I had actually been kicking the same idea around in my head. In that case, i would use this one for my supplement. I think it shows a more light-hearted me. What do you think? Assuming I can maintaing the impact of the first two essays, do you think that this essay is reflective enough to give the committee insight into my character? Also, any ideas on how i might adapt this essay to fit any of the Princeton supplement topics.
Andromeda21 3 / 17  
Dec 27, 2010   #6
I think that would be a very affective plan. And yes, I think the other essay is definitely reflective enough for the ad coms. definitely. do NOT worry about it not being deep enough.

So I'm gonna look more deeply at this one since you're almost definitely using it.

1 - "I..." I managed. Words seemed loath to leave my lips.

2 - During those few seconds, I would have preferred the beatings that's a little too dark for the mood of the essay if you know what I mean

3 - I had learned at an early age to confine my feeling feelings maybe? plural?

4 - The hardship of my life and even the exceeding grace that has offered me a reprieve from it have made aaaawkwardly written. consider rephrasing

5 - Falling in love, or thinking we do, making new friends... eliminating this increases flow and parallelism in this sentence, and I don't think it takes away much from your message.

That's all I've got.

I have essays that I'd love for you to look at but I'm nervous to post them online. I'm a little paranoid :/ I'm not sure what to do
OP adam2028 10 / 36  
Dec 27, 2010   #7
Post them. I'll definitely help you; you've been so gracious with your advice. Do you have any ideas about how to adapt this essay to fit in with one of the Princeton supplement topics? They are

Option 1 - Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

Option 2 - Using the statement below as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Princeton in the Nation's Service" was the title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations."

- Woodrow Wilson, Princeton Class of 1879, served on the faculty and was Princeton's president from 1902 to 1910.

Option 3 - Using the following quotation from "The Moral Obligations of Living in a Democratic Society" as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Empathy is not simply a matter of trying to imagine what others are going through, but having the will to muster enough courage to do something about it. In a way, empathy is predicated upon hope."

- Cornel West, Class of 1943 University Professor in the Center for African American Studies, Princeton University

Option 4 - Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
Andromeda21 3 / 17  
Dec 27, 2010   #8
You should definitely talk about your dad influencing you, since almost everyone who answers that prompt is going to talk about someone who influenced them in a positive way, your response will be completely unique.
OP adam2028 10 / 36  
Dec 27, 2010   #9
I thought about that, but they say do not repeat in whole or in part the essay you wrote for the common app. And post your essays. I know it seems i've made some grammatical errors, but my editing abilities are nothing to sneeze at. I wrote all of my essays at night under heavy pain medication after my tonsillectomy so i was a little out of it.
Andromeda21 3 / 17  
Dec 27, 2010   #10
You're right I forgot about that. Well you could still use that first prompt and this essay since you do specifically address how Skyler influenced your life. How about that?

And I posted one of my essays. I'd love if you looked at it.
OP adam2028 10 / 36  
Dec 27, 2010   #11
I just commented on it. It was honestly truly astounding writing. The suggestions I made were in no way meant to suggest that the essay was anything short of magnificent. And i think you're right and it really really saves me a lot of time.
Andromeda21 3 / 17  
Dec 27, 2010   #12
Thank you, coming from someone as talented as yourself, it means a lot.

I have one more essay to post but it's not really ready yet. I don't mean to sound creepy but email perhaps?
iceui2 - / 70  
Dec 27, 2010   #13
Your Common App essay is indeed amazing - you have overcome so much to be at where you are today.

With that said, you should reflect on another aspect of your life or your personality in this supplement. Maybe something more lighthearted that can complement your Common App. That way, you have two essays combining to make a formidable duo that make it hard for an admission officer to put to the "reject" pile. Usually, two separate essays shouldn't touch upon the same topics. Good luck!


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