Short Answer Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer)
Please make some adjustments!!!
For my tenth birthday, my dad bought me a harmonica. Small and easy-to-carry, it was the ideal instrument for me. Lots of people don't understand the harmonica. Most of them think it's the type of instrument useful only for earning money in subways. However, that's completely wrong. I believe that any instrument can bring joy and happiness to others, because that's the entire point of music. Earlier this year, I joined the school chorus. When my music teacher wanted someone to play during the instrumental break, I felt obliged inclined to volunteer. After all, the harmonica does make a nice sound. As my part ended, I looked up, overjoyed to see the many smiling faces. Our group exited off the stage, applause following us down the hallway.
Hi! So cool to see a fellow Korean haha.
Lots of (many?) people don't understand the harmonica.
Most of them think it's the type of instrument useful only for earning money in subways.
Most think it's the type of instrument only useful for earning money in the corners of subway stations.
Our group exited off the stage, applause following us down the hallway. (with applause following us...)
These are merely suggestions, hope they help!
Many people don't understand the harmonica, . Most of them thinking it's the type ofan instrument useful only for earning moneybusking in subways.
... I felt obligedinclined to volunteer.
As our group exited off the stage, applause following us down the hallway.
Hope this helps!
As my part ended, I looked upand was overjoyed to see the many smiling faces.
I like this essay. It's pretty unique and the only "problems" are the way some of the sentences are worded. Its more of a stylistic issue rather than a grammar issue, so I would not worry about it too much.
Thanks Jonika, but actually it's a style I developed because many authors write like this.
Revised Version
Now can somone please help me cut it down? The word count is 163 but it's supposed to be 150 or less.
Thank you for your comments on my essay!
to connect to other people's moods, and sympathize with them.
You don't need both you can take on or the other out and I think the message will be received
In my opinion, that is irrelevant. What matters
You can take that out, if you still need words
For my tenth birthday, my dad bought me a harmonica: Small and easy to carry, it was- the ideal instrument for me. Many people cannot understand the harmonica. RecallingOf the strange comments I received, I think most believe that a harmonicascan only be usefulwere meant for street performances. It is true that harmonicas lookare indeed great for busking, but only(try: simply/precisely, depending on what you feel best conveys your sentiments) because they can make people happy easilybring joy to people .
... I felt obliged to show how much I had worked on my harmonica (perhaps try: share my work with my harmonica? that will cut it to exactly 150 words) .
Somehow, music often manages to connect with other people's moods and relate to them. Smiling, our group exited offstage; applause following us down the hallway.
I hope this helps cut the words down a little - it now has 153 words! I really liked how your revised version emphasized on the smiles and joys the harmonica brings ;)
It seems that your essay has been already well editied. I also find this a very unique and strong essay and I think this could bring you pretty far. I wish the best of luck to you!
Thanks everybody!
