Any comments on this essay would be greatly appreciated. Don't be afraid to be brutally honest. Thank you! :)
What matters to you, and why?
Harmony in all aspects of life matters to me. It may seem like an abstract concept, but what it means to me is living in agreement and accord with the people around you.
I have lived in three countries in my life and thus have had the pleasure to befriend people from many cultures. I remember the first glimpse of true harmony I saw was in the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community. They didn't care that I was a foreigner and neither did I. I embraced the unique characteristics of the people around me and lived in harmony with them. Like an orchestra that is composed of different instruments, life is beautiful because of its diversity.
I seek out harmony in my daily life as well. I strive to live a balanced life, where I neither work nor play too much. I often get caught up in my schoolwork, but I have learned that in order to live in harmony, you have to make your relationships the priority.
Through harmony I am able to live a life full of happiness, tolerance, honesty, and acceptance, which, to me, is the epitome of a fulfilling existence.
They didn't care that I was a foreigner and neither did I
-you're coming across as saying that you didn't care that you were a foreigner
say something like:
They embraced me despite our differences and I reciprocated their benevolence.
I remember the first glimpse of true harmony I saw was in the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community.
-I remember my first glimpse of true harmony: the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community.
is living in agreement and accord with the people around you.
-in your second paragraph you aren't talking about people, you talk about your actions and characteristics
I often struggled to make time for friends and family when I got caught up in schoolwork, but living in harmony means making time for the people you love.
-this sentence is awkward sounding
Although I often struggle to due to schoolwork, I always make time for the people I love since this is a major component of living in harmony.
-that wasn't the best sentence, don't use it but write something like that
This is one of the qualities I most like about myself
-This is one my most fundamental qualities.
Work on your transitions from paragraph to paragraph
What matters to you, and why?
Harmony in all aspects of life matters to me. Harmony is tuning of our lives to those around us and the natural world that sustains our well-being. To live in harmony requires that I be conscious of the hopes and needs that surround me and flexible in my own course of action.
The idea I value most about my harmonious existence is tolerance. It is vital that I understand the varying values and ideas of people who are different from me. I try my best to consider the ideas of others because I am better for doing this: I become more curious, more open to challenges, and more appreciative of the beautiful music that makes up our diversity.
I have lived in three countries in my life and thus have had the pleasure to befriend people from many cultures. I remember my first glimpse of true harmony: the way the people in Venezuela accepted me into their community. They adopted me despite our differences and I embraced the unique characteristics of the people that surrounded me.
I strive to live a balanced life, where I neither work nor play too much. I often get caught up in my schoolwork, but I have learned that in order to live in harmony, I have to make my relationships the priority. In a harmonious relationship each party at times sets aside his or her own desires to nurture the relationship itself.
Through harmony I am able to live a life full of happiness, tolerance, honesty, and acceptance, which, to me, is the epitome of a fulfilling existence.
I rewrote this. Any more comments would be greatly appreciated.
