Prompt # 1 - Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Any help would be great! I'm not quite sure how to end this essay. Also, I hate writing about myself.
"Laura, turn off the lights!" my mom grumbled, in a sleep-induced haze. "But, the Chamber has been reopened and Harry must save-," I said excitedly, before she flipped a switch leaving me in utter darkness and silence. Every night, my mom and I would reach this familiar crossroad: she wanted to sleep, I wanted to read. Nevertheless, I would put down my book and fall asleep dreaming about the novel I would pore over the next day.
From an early age, I harbored an obsession for reading. However, my mom was the person who fostered my love of reading. Before I could walk or talk, my mother, who read at a second-grade level, would patiently sound out the words of Corduroy by Don Freeman to me, as I gawked at the colorful illustrations. As a toddler, my mom and I would read bed time stories together before I went to bed. By the time I reached elementary school, I had far surpassed my classmates in terms of reading level, as well as my mom. During recess, I would bury myself in the latest mystery novel, while I waited in line to play four square. I was going through children's classics and chapter books at a rapid speed. Soon, I was reading to my mom, instead of vice-versa. Sensing my urgency to read, my mom would bring me to the local library, every week, to borrow books and fulfill my endless desire to read. Going to the library was the only chance we had to spend time together because my mom, in addition to working a full-time job, had to complete her familial and domestic duties at home. At the end of the day, however, she would still muster up enough energy to crack open a book with me.
My mom's determination to instill me with a sense of literacy has encouraged me to not only excel academically, but also to pursue my passion for literature. Since entering high school, I have taken as much English and history classes possible to satiate my hunger for words and letters. During my junior year, I took the AP Language and Composition course, in which I discovered that my love of reading had transferred into a talent for writing. My English teacher lauded me for my well-crafted, insightful essays, as well as the deep critical thinking I displayed during class seminars. Often, my mom would ask me to recite my essays out loud to her, though she could not comprehend a single word.
Realizing the extent of my mom's illiteracy-and the plight of literacy in America, I have enrolled my mom in ESL classes, so she can improve her literacy of the English language and she is making wonderful progress. Furthermore, I have decided to pursue a career in public policy-combining my love of literature with my fondness for democracy. Working in the government sector, I hope to address the epidemic of illiteracy in our country by implementing programs to increase literacy in people of all ages and directing government funding towards two vital institutions-libraries and schools.
This was well written. Good use of vocabulary. I also love Harry Potter, so I enjoyed that bit. Only improvement I would make is maybe develop the ending a bit. Try focusing a bit more on how your experience shaped your dreams and aspirations, seeing as that is the point of the essay.
Remember to always answer the prompt. It asks you to tell about where you come from and how it has affected you. When you write a personal essay, you want to show the school who you are as a person, not just as a student. You would probably want to stray away from putting too much emphasis on academics and more onto who you are. Your grades and test scores most likely already show that you are a good student. In the personal essay, you tell them things that they cannot tell from reading your transcripts.
Also, it seems like your writing is a little jumpy and disorganized. At one point you state that your mother reads at a second grade level. Then, you began the last paragraph with "realizing the extent of my mom's illiteracy" as if you did not already know that she was illiterate. Moreover, you have to remember that this is about you, not your mother. Everything you say about your mother should be only to show who you are and how she has affected you.
For the most part, the essay seems sort of rushed and like you were just trying to fill a word count requirement. It's all about substance. A lot of words does not make a good essay. I suggest that you write an outline so that all of your thoughts are organized and then see how you can improve from there.
The opening does not feel sincere or seem that interesting. Anecdotal introductions work sometimes, but do not think that it is the only way to begin a great essay.
Remember that the last paragraph is the conclusion of your essay, where everything comes together. Basically, it should be a summary. Do not try to compile a lot of new information into your last paragraph.
Overall, I think that you have a good start. Really read it. If you do not like something about it, take it out. Chances are that if you do not like it, then admissions will not care too much for it either.
Good luck! Hope I helped :)
Check out my statement too?? I could totally use the feedback.
your essay is really good . very concise in the description of the process , but i think you should develop more about your dream and aspiration , because the major part of essay is like just focusing on the description of your world.
