The following is my draft of my undergraduate admission essay, I have 423 words, But I need to compress? it to 300 words. Any advice will be appreciated. This is my first time posting a thread, so I hope I did everything right regarding the post. Thanks!
I came to know of T. Harv Eker from attending the National Achievers' Congress 2007 and 2008. He is a man of humble beginnings and his dream was to be a millionaire. After becoming a millionaire for the first time, in less than 2 years, he lost that million. Despite that, he did not give up on his dream and soon, he developed theories of how people perceive money as well as how one should manage their money, which make him more than he dreamt of, a multi-multimillionaire. His example showed me the success story of someone despites one's depressing past. Since making a fortune, he did not keep his ideas to himself and share it with people, helping others achieve financial freedom, thus giving back to the community. He also believed in continuous education and grasping opportunities
Drawing parallels to his humble beginnings, I start off my high school life with a weak foundation in most of my subjects, due to severe procrastination in my primary and secondary school days. This is not supposed to be for a high school student and so I was dealt karmic justice. While my habit of being unable to ignore the nitty-gritty details of my curriculum made me, on one hand, learn well, and on the other hand, learn slowly. However, because of my weak foundations my learning was slow. But like T. Harv Eker, I refuse to give up on my dream, and even now, long after my 'A' levels, I continue to practice my physics, mathematics, economics and writing, which are among the subjects I took for my 'A' levels, and will do so even after I enlist for National Service. I do this because I want to learn university physics, for many reasons such as it's relevance to everyday life and also to understand more about the world.
Like his belief in grasping opportunities, though it may seem late now that I have graduated from the junior college, when I do not have my academic materials with me, I still try to learn other things from the people around me, such as new Chinese phrases, financial education, basic cooking as well as knowledge in topics ranging from science to health to religion.
Also, with my past, I too understand about the cost of making wrong choices and can empathise with people. Together with his noble belief in giving back to society, I believe that through the university life, I can increase my academic and non-academic knowledge and can give back more to society.
Oh and one more thing, I chose T. Harv Eker out of someone's suggestion to me. I hope someone can tell me whether it is the right choice and if not, suggest someone else. Thanks
Hmm... the second paragraph was there to give background information, and the third was, where I think I would model after him since I start off pathetically in high school, like how he start off poor.
How should I change?
Below is my revision to my original essay, I hope someone can help me improve it further. I am also looking for comments as to whether I picked the right person, and hope someone can give me a suggestion as to who else might seem like a person who is a source of influence. Thanks in advance to everyone and Nguyen Thu Hien for the above advice!
READ ABOVE
I'll move a few commas around:
After becoming a millionaire for the first time in less than 2 years, he lost that million. Despite that, he did not give up on his dream, and soon he developed theories of how people perceive money as well as how one should manage their money, which made him more than he dreamed he would be: a multi-multimillionaire.
hahahahahahah severe procrastination... I like that term.
This is not how a high school is supposed to be, and so I was dealt karmic justice.
Though it may seem late now that I have graduated from the junior college, when I do not have my academic materials with me I still try to learn other things from the people around me, such as new Chinese phrases, financial education, basic cooking as well as knowledge in topics ranging from science to health to religion. This is like T. Harv Eker's belief in grasping opportunities.
:-)
