I recently started writing a supplemental essay for college. I have been unable to continue writing it for the moment. I can't seem to write in a concise matter about the topic. I don't know if what I have is even salvageable or if I should just scrap it. Can you let me know if the underlying topic of the essay is any good and if the essay is beyond repair. I would also appreciate feedback about how to enhance the essay as well.
The great German philosopher, Fredrick Nietzsche once said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how." I began to discover my why when I was about ten years old. I was at a Six Flags, standing in a line to buy season pass tickets with my friends. Being pretty frugal with my money, I was the only one who was not buying a ticket. As a result, my friends started giving me a rough time and began making fun of me. The harassing continued on as we slowly made our way up to the front of the line. As my friends were getting ready to pay for their passes, a woman stepped in front of us and told the cashier that she was going to pay for my season pass. I was astonished. Why was this woman paying for my ticket? When I asked her, she told me that no one deserves to be picked on, but the thing she said next stuck with me forever. She asked for one thing in return, to pay it forward. Ever since she told me those words I have seen it as my duty to serve others. As I grew older, I began to entangle by duty to serve with the love of my country. As a result, I began to realize my why, service to the United States and her citizens. I have always loved the history, culture, and ideals of the United States and I have always wanted to contribute to them. I like to believe that I am engrained with in the United States. My family has served in the Civil War, the Pancho Villa Expedition, both World Wars, and the War on Terror. My great-great uncle was even the personal chauffeur to Robert Lincoln, the son of Abraham Lincoln. I am extremely obsessed with this nation and I want to see it succeed and prosper and will dedicate my life to its success just as so many before me have already done. My generation and myself owe it to future generations to preserve the way of life in which we are so blessed to have. I have come to realize that my first step in my service to this country is through military service.
What you have presented is a well worded essay, but I am a little confused as to what point you are trying to get across to the reader. From what I can tell, you are explaining why you would like to serve in the armed forces, but I only realized after you explicitly stated it. I think that it would be best for you to first start off with this idea. Maybe try something like "Military service has been in my family for a long time. They have served in ...." and then proceed from there.
As I grew older, I began to entangle by duty to serve with the love of my country. As a result, I began to realize my why... This part is not clear / Check for grammar.
You need to fully decide on a topic. Once you do that, itll be much easier to write. Sometimes good topics are, "Why do you want to attend this university?" or "What are your future goals?" maybe even "What makes you a good fit for our college?". Those are a few topics to start with, Your current statement has some good bones and I can tell where it is going but it needs a lot of work. Find the one topic you want to write on and itll be a much better start.
