Please help me edit this! Thank you.
Common App Essay- In 250-500 words, indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
My first year dancing in her prestigious ballet company, I hated Marybeth **** (last name). I hated her when she made a weak, male company member lift me in rehearsal, and I hated her when the boy dropped me, fracturing my ankle. I hated her when she berated me for gaining weight and not being able to fit into my Nutcracker costume. And I especially hated her for telling me the words I would never forget, "You do not work hard enough."
However, everything I hated her for that first year grew into the reasons I succeeded my next three years of being in the company. Being a dancer in Marybeth's company, I sometimes wanted to quit. The rehearsals were long and exhausting, and performance opportunities were rare. My ankle injury gave me six weeks of not being able to walk, much less the ability to dance. Those weeks of sitting on the sideline proved to me why I could not quit dance. Watching the company perform without me was aggravating; I needed to be part of that again. Even though dance had its hardships, I learned that I loved what it felt like to be on stage performing.
Marybeth's comments about my weight were certainly harsh, but I knew I needed to fit into the costume to be able to perform. Two months later, I lost ten pounds and my costume finally fit perfectly. Marybeth never apologized for her weight comments and she never voiced her approval of my new body shape, but I knew that I had refuted the comments.
The remark Marybeth gave me about my work ethic was the worst insult I ever received. I thought I had a great work ethic; I already had worked hard enough to even make it into the ballet company. What more could I possibly do? I started coming to rehearsals over an hour early to stretch and work on my technique. I even signed up to be an assistant dance teacher, coming to the studio early every weekend morning to teach toddlers ballet. To this day, I still do everything I can to prove Marybeth wrong about my lack of a work ethic. It certainly has not been an easy task and these four years certainly have not been an easy journey, but Marybeth has forced me to change myself. (help me end it?)
I think that you should change the introduction. It is confusing and I do not know if Marybeth is a student or a teacher. For my corrections, I will assume she is the dance teacher.
In m y first year dancing at (dance studio name), I hated my teacher, Mrs (last name) .
For this section of the essay, I would put it in narrative form. Saying "I hated her when" gets too repetitive after a while
Example revision: It started when she had a weak, male company member lift me in rehearsals. I knew that it was a bad idea, and I ended up fracturing my ankle when he dropped me. She always made comments about my weight...etc...
I hated her when she made a weak, male company member lift me in rehearsal, and I hated her when the boy dropped me, fracturing my ankle. I hated her when she berated me for gaining weight and not being able to fit into my Nutcracker costume. And I especially hated her for telling me the words I would never forget, "You do not work hard enough."
However, everything I hated her for that first year grew into the reasons I succeeded my next three years of being in the company. Being a dancer in Marybeth's companyThis needs to be omitted ,I sometimes wanted to quit. The rehearsals were long and exhausting, and performance opportunities were rare. My ankle injury gave me resulted in six weeks of not being able to walk, much less the ability to dance. Those weeks of sitting on the sideline proved to me why I could not quit dance. Watching the company perform without me was devastating ; I needed to be part of that again. Even though dance had its hardships, I learned that I loved what it felt like to be on stage performing.
Mrs.(last name)'s comments about my weight were certainly harsh, but I knew I needed to fit into the costume to be able to perform. Two months later, I lost ten pounds and my costume finally fit perfectly. Mrs. (last name) never apologized for her weight comments and she never voiced her approval of my new body shape, but I knew that I had refuted the comments.
The remark Mrs. (last name) gave me about my work ethic was the worst insult I had ever received. I thought I had a great work ethic; I had already worked hard enough just make it into the ballet company. What more could I possibly do? I started coming to rehearsals over an hour early to stretch and work on my technique. I even signed up to be an assistant dance teacher, coming to the studio early every weekend morning to teach toddlers ballet. To this day, I still do everything I can to prove Mrs. (last name) wrong about my lack of a work ethic. It certainly has not been an easy task and the four years certainly have not been an easy journey, but Mrs. (last name)helped me to know what areas of my life needed to be improvedI'm not sure how I would end it. I don't know much about dance, but the driving point of your story should be that Mrs. (last name) helped you to grow and improve as a person even if her methods seemed harsh
These are all just suggestions. In my opinion, I think you should change Marybeth to Mrs. (last name) even if you didn't call her that because it makes it clear that she was your teacher. Also, it is ok to make up small details in essays or exaggerate the truth to get a point across :)
