I finished a draft of my application essay for the University of Washington, and would appreciate any feedback. My essay fits fairly well with either A or B, i'm leaning towards B though.
Directions:
The personal statement is our best means of getting to know you and your best means of creating a context for your academic performance. When you write your personal statement, tell us about those aspects of your life that are not apparent from your academic record. Tell us about the experiences that don't show up on your transcript:
A character defining moment, the cultural awareness you've developed, a challenge faced, a personal hardship or barrier overcome.
Choose either A or B. Recommended length: 500-650 words
A) discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals.
OR
B) Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
Imagine walking into your house after a long day of school and football practice, and having your dad enthusiastically show you pieces of garbage he found while walking the dogs. Strange, yes, but for the most part, harmless. A few days later you arrive home and encounter your visibly upset little sister. Instead of driving her to gymnastics practice, your dad drove around aimlessly for an hour, following "the signs" so he could pass "the test." Scenes like these became commonplace throughout my sophomore year of high school, degenerating into more and more bizarre and damaging incidents as time progressed. Having a parent develop a mental illness was an extremely taxing event that challenged me and my family, and caused me to develop and mature as a person.
In a sense, knowing just how much something means to you never occurs until you lose it. In my case it was a cohesive family, something I had begun to take for granted. Watching my dad's mental health take a nosedive, and seeing how it affected my mother and sister, made me shockingly aware of what I no longer had. My sister took things especially hard, as she was too young to truly understand what was happening. Trying to provide some sense of stability for my family during this time led me to eliminate sports from my schedule. With all the chaos around the house, there was no guarantee that important things would be taken care of. Without the extra time a commitment to sports requires, I was able to make sure that vital issues at home were attended to. Ferrying my sister back and forth to her numerous activities, and making sure my father didn't get into an excessive amount of trouble absorbed much of my time. With all of the time I now devoted to household and family issues, keeping up with my schoolwork became strenuous. This instilled a massive amount of respect in me, for how hard my parents had to work to take care of us. Losing our family stability showed me how much my family means to me, in addition to all the things they do for me, and helped to ensure that I won't forget it again.
As I previously pointed out, this whole ordeal was rough on my mother and sister, but it was also difficult on me. I could have easily been sad and sulky and felt pity for myself. I could have been generally angry like my sister, but I chose not to. I started to look at the consequences of my actions, and realized that if my attitude started to turn sour, my family would have had even less positivity and stability to hold on to. Keeping a positive attitude was difficult, especially when the people around me were angry. However, it was worth it since it relieved a bit of the stress from the rest of my family. The extra responsibility I took on made me conscious of how large of an effect my actions can have in regards to helping others. Seeing how simply keeping a positive attitude can improve other lives has led me to be a more optimistic person.
After a long period of dealing with my fathers problem, he finally got some help and things returned to normal. While I wish he had never gotten ill, I can still see a few positives, and managed to grow as a person. It truly opened my eyes as to how much my family does for me, and made me much more conscious of the effects of my actions. This was an extremely turbulent and challenging time period of my life, but if I can make it through the year with all of those extra responsibilities, and still manage to take care of my own needs, I can persevere through anything.
You did an excellent job describing the experience, but still managed to include yourself in the process. Prompt B works perfectly with the event that you chose. I don't see any errors, and good luck to you in the future :)
In a sense, knowing just how much something means to you never occurs until you lose it. This part depletes the energy of the essay. It is a cliche, "you never know what you have until it's gone," and I think the essay is better off without it.
This instilled in me a massive amount of respect for my parents' hard work. had to work to take care of us .
Losing our family stability showed me how much my family means to me, in addition to all the things they do for me (makes the sentence confusing!), and helped to ensure that I won't forget it again.
As I previously pointed out, This whole ordeal was rough on my mother and sister, but it
was also difficult on me. I could have easily ...
Lets not say "large of an"
The extra responsibility I took on made me conscious of how large of an effect my actions can have in regards to helping others. Seeing how simply keeping a positive attitude can improve other lives has led me to be a more optimistic person.---optimism for practical purposes... that is a cool concept!
You need an apostrophe here:
After a long period of dealing with my fathers ...
The best thing would be if you could show that this deep experience somehow relates to your chosen career(s). What characteristics of the careers you have in mind are relevant to this kind of experience?
I hope your family can have a lot of success and love! We all have mental illness; don't let anybody tell you otherwise. It's because our existence is a crisis, a nightmare where everybody dies at the end. We have to hold it together long enough to get to something better! But yeah, we're all having mental illness, if not in our 20s then in our 30s...
:-)
