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"Go to the head of the class!" - essay help- UF application


mykai21 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2010   #1
I have to submit this today so if anyone could reply before tonight i would be very much in your debt

Prompt: In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service.

She cut the deck. I counted the card values in my head as fast as I could and then recounted and double-checked. We were both close to the finish line, and my hand was pretty good. I felt a sense of confidence, but tried not to show it, as I laid down my hand and said, "10 points."

I caught a gleam in her eye and then she started counting out her hand. "Fifteen- two, fifteen- four, fifteen-six, a double run is fourteen and a pair is sixteen," she announced as she exultantly brandished her winning hand. My grandmother then proceeded to dance her peg across the finish line, playfully pointing out that I had lost yet again. I simply reminded myself, however, that Grandma had taught me how to play Cribbage just this week and I was still getting better. She loved games and lived for the kill, but after her celebratory gloat, Grandma Maher always encouraged me, corrected me, and then advised me on better strategy. "Play again?"

My eyes wandered across the familiar settings of my grandmother's abode and resettled on the cribbage board. As matriarch of the family, Grandma had engrafted this exceedingly uncommon card game into every family gathering holiday. The game served as a rite of passage for me, an initiation into equality. Acquiring the ability to credibly compete with the "grown-ups" at their own game dwarfed most of my other childhood accomplishments.

It was my turn to deal. At first, the time Grandma spent between moves seemed an eternity, but then I had an epiphany. I used the time to run through prospective moves and probabilities. I weighted the pros and cons of each possible course of action. The veil was lifted and I finally began to see what Grandma must have known all along-cribbage is hollow without strategy, patience, and anticipation. With my new understanding of the game, I played out each hand methodically and slowly. Her lead dwindled and then I passed her! This time, my peg would be doing the dancing.

Pricilla Maher passed away when I was twelve, only two years after our first Cribbage games, and, as I look back at her life, I see the kind of woman I hope to become. She served as a nurse in World War 2, and raised four of her own children and three adopted kids by herself. She was my grandmother, but I hope that she knows that she is also one of my greatest role models.

When I had done especially well in one of our contests, Grandma used to say, "Go to the head of the class!" I loved it when she complimented me like that. Those words are now ingrained on my memory, and I strive to do my best in everything so that, if Grandma Maher were still here, she could proudly say them again. I plan to continue her standards of hard work, perseverance, and Christ-like giving in my college career as I have done during my high school years, and I aspire to contribute to and benefit from the University of Florida's academics, community, and activities.
pao - / 6  
Nov 1, 2010   #2
Hi! First off, i think it's sincere and wonderfully written.

But there are some errors,

When I was ten years old, my grandmother taught me. Taught you what? It's not that clear.

To me, as a child, the ability to credibly compete with the "grown-ups" dwarfed most other accomplishments I had? to date. Remove "To me," and start with AS a child. Maybe it would be better if you put I had to make it less confusing

It ranked quite close to learning how to ride a bike and mastering the dive.
Pricilla Maher was more than my grandmother. It is quite choppy, and confusing, so find a way to relate the two thoughts together.

...vital to success; or . cheating never wins, and some of our best attributes and accomplishments are the ones we have to work the hardest to get. You should separate the part after success because the sentence becomes very long to read, and might even be a run on?

I used to love it when she complimented me like that, and those words are now ingrained on my memory. I strive to do my best in everything so that, if Grandma Maher were still here, she could proudly say it again.Change it to a period. Your ending is amazing. It really shows how the influence of your Grandmother still permeates through your life now.

I think you should explain more on your contributions because the prompt did say, "how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. " Other than that, it's a good piece, and I enjoyed reading it.
Super 1 / 10  
Nov 1, 2010   #3
Hello!

This is a well-written piece on your grandmother. However, when I look back at the prompt, it seems that the one meaningful event/experience/accomplishment is missing or has not been projected strong enough to make the presence felt. Is it the moment you played Cribbage with your grandmother, or is it Christmas dinner? Bear in mind that you only need to discuss ONE event. Out of so many event, pick out one that holds dearest to you, and explore deeper, instead of just touch and go (even though i shall acknowledge that your first para started well with the process and playing. If only you could relate more of the significance of playing and instead of just brushing off with values like 'perseverance and a healthy sense of competition are vital to success, cheating never wins, and some of our best attributes and accomplishments are the ones we have to work the hardest to get' abruptly at the end, it will be very good. It would make your writing very solid.

Also, I do find that some details are unimportant, for example, 'Cribbage, players record their points, amassed from pairs, runs, and sets of fifteen, on a peg board and win by crossing the finish line first' From your previous description, i get what Cribbage is roughly about. I do not think the officer would be interested to know, too.

Next, I do not really get this sentence 'When I was ten years old, my grandmother taught me.' Taught you what? (sorry, i thought it was kinda disjointed) and then the continuation "The game served as a rite of passage, an initiation into equality. To me, as a child, the ability to credibly compete with the "grown-ups" dwarfed most other accomplishments to date. It ranked quite close to learning how to ride a bike and mastering the dive.". I dont know, but it looks like your sequence is a bit messy. I mean, when I was reading, I needed to ponder what you're competing in. I am a tad confused here. Perhaps it's just me.

I only hope that she knew how deeply our time together influenced my character.
I really like this sentence. It is very personal to the extent that i can feel your sincerity, even though we are strangers. Try to use this kind of style more often.

It's also a good strategy to use a few convo line like what you did, though dont overdo it. It normally gets more annoying to see more than four pairs of quotation marks in an essay.

Lastly, is this a personal statement or just a supplement? the length seems too short, probably one more para will do.

Sorry if my comments are too harsh (and too long). I know that your essay is due soon, but it'll be good if you could improve it before submission. Follow your heart. What I said may not be right. :)

All the very best.
OP mykai21 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2010   #4
Thank you so much for the advise. Unfortunately, english/writing is my absolute worst subject so Ill see what i can do. Thank you so much again.
neoreader 4 / 6  
Nov 1, 2010   #5
seemed an eternity

The term eternity used for describing a long time is a cliche.
By all means, keep in in your essay. I'm just pointing out what my English teacher would have said. -_-
OP mykai21 1 / 4  
Nov 1, 2010   #6
lol thanks i shall change it post haste!
Super 1 / 10  
Nov 2, 2010   #7
Hello. I presume you have submitted this essay. Would like to add one comment. I realized you only said your grandma's name at the end, but it's kinda confusing, and it took me seconds to figure out who that was before realizing that she was your grandma. Well, it's a minor mistake, but if you havent submitted, I would recommend that you put the name in the beginning to make it clear who that person is.

Overall, it's good.
Good luck.


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