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Health fair in the San Ysidro community - the story of becoming an adult person


Jacmob 2 / 3  
Aug 14, 2015   #1
Hello everyone, this is my first post here and I have my common app essay. I struggle with telling a story in my writing and I would appreciate the most brutally honest feedback possible. I am open to all criticism and would appreciate all criticism as a means of representing a college admissions officer were reading my essay. Thank you in advance!

INSTRUCTIONS: write an essay of no more than 650 words, using the prompt to inspire and structure your response. Remember: 650 words is your limit, not your goal. Use the full range if you need it, but don't feel obligated to do so. (The application won't accept a response shorter than 250 words.)

PROMPT: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

MY RESPONSE:
I found myself on July 19, 2015; the Sunday before I began my senior year of high school. As part of the Kaiser San Diego Summer Urban Health Fellowship, we hosted a health fair in the San Ysidro community. I perceived it to be a typical health fair with a few amount of people that were generally uninterested in what information we had to provide. I was extremely mistaken. In reality, each of the nearly 100 people who attended the fair were wholly engaged in our discussions.

The overwhelming amount of "Thank yous" after every presentation is what ultimately led me to the breaking point. Now, this was not a means of habitual vocabulary but rather a genuine expression of emotions. I saw the gleaming in each of these peoples eyes; they were on the verge of tears just from showing their gratitude and appreciativeness for us being there and providing health discussions, free physicals, and free doctor consultations for them (it is common for people in this area to not have medical insurance and them to be living in accordance with disease and no treatment or desire to receive treatment, hence why we hosted a free health fair). Their emotions led me to the point where I realized that this is who I am and this is what I want to do in the near future; this is where I became an adult.

The opportunity to contribute to the community that has contributed so much to me serves the purpose of further solidifying my intentions to continue to do just that. To continue to serve my community. This exposure to the reality of living among a community of people literally next to the border makes me proud because I can share my knowledge amongst those who may not have access to the same opportunities I have had. I am proud to have the ability to have a lasting effect on the children of my community to influence them to pursue a higher degree of education and know that every little step counts, even the seemingly arduous task of completing elementary, middle, and high school. They really do have an effect on your future and I realize that now that I have made the transformation to adulthood.

Though my contributions may not be as substantial now, they have influenced my objective in the future, which is to continue to have a lasting effect on my community by establishing a program for all students to participate in an internship at a local hospital to teach them the ins and outs of college, what options are available to them, how to stay confident throughout their education, and ultimately teach them what it is like to study medicine and work in the medical field - something I believe is a rudiment to a successful college future. I plan on pursuing these dreams all while I continue to strive for a higher education in the medical field and learn more about myself through the mentoring of students with the same dreams and aspirations as me.

I also plan on returning to the Kaiser San Diego SUrF Internship during the summer of 2016 to be a mentor for up and coming students interested in the medical field. Although I don't consider myself an adult right now, my peers and other interns look to me as an adult figurehead; someone they can talk to about anything. Becoming this figurehead and having the opportunity to participate in this internship has allowed me to develop strengths and overall experiences I would have never imagined and I now look forward to using them to excel in college and eventually becoming my own perception of an adult.

hayaalqasem 9 / 17  
Aug 15, 2015   #2
hi,
his was not a means of habitual vocabulary but rather a genuine expression of emotions
a mean
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Aug 23, 2015   #3
- I found myself on July 19, 2015;I think I have an obsession with punctuation marks and on this part of the sentence you just need a comma)

- I saw the gleamingglow in each of these peoples eyes;,
- ...their gratitude and appreciativeness forto us being there
- Their emotions ledmade me to the point where I realized that this
- ...do in the near future;, this is where I became matureanadult .
- ...not have access to the same opportunities I have had.

@jac, indeed the transition of stages in our lives into adulthood is quiet challenging and it helps when we expose ourselves to experiences that will teach us lessons, lessons that we will cherish and learn from all our lives.

Going thru your essay, I believe you did very well, it's just a few remarks that I made and I hope it helps.


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