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'health and science has been my top consideration' - UIC personal essay of program choice


lolchobla 1 / -  
Sep 13, 2014   #1
Hello everyone!:) I am applying to University of Illinois-Chicago and below is my personal essay. All corrections and comments are welcome! Your help will be appreciated! Thank you very much!

This is the topic that is given: Please provide an essay that explains why you chose your intended program of study. What interests you the most about this major? To which careers or job opportunities do you think acceptance into this program would lead?

Below is my essay:

Ever since I started to think about my future, health and science has been my top consideration. This is because I would like to serve in the health industry in the future and help others. After deep consideration, I discovered that Food and Nutrition would be a field that I am interested to further study in. There are two main reasons that helped me decide, the society and myself. [..]
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 13, 2014   #2
In your introductory paragraph, you mention that you are interested in the fields of health and science. You should give a short description of your experience in this field that led to your discovery of your interest in Food and Nutrition. That way you present an introduction that informs the reader about where you are coming from with regards to your choice of majors.

You should discuss obesity as an illness that affects the overall population. Do not mention the aging society because if they are aging, then weight issues may not be a problem for them. Neither would be healthy eating. This paragraph should discuss your point of view about the obesity issue instead. Why you think it is rampant and why you feel that not enough is being done to address the problem in the field of Food and Nutrition.

Your paragraph about cooking on a personal level is a good touch. Perhaps you can mention something about how you like to cook healthy and how it has helped someone in your family. Just to give weight to something that now sounds more like a hobby than an advocacy.

The conclusion is too generalized. You should center on the changes that you hope to make in the field of Food and Nutrition after you graduate. Mention your goals and plans for the future and then close the statement with a sentence that embodies the weight of your commitment to your major.

Develop the essay further and once you have done that, we can move on to cleaning up the grammatical errors :-)
nikhil333 4 / 6 1  
Sep 13, 2014   #3
Ever since I started to think about my future, health and science has been my top consideration. This is because I would like to I always wanted to serve in the health industry in the future and help others. After deep consideration, I discovered thatI have decided to further study Food and NutritionI am interested to further study in . There are two main reasons that helped me decide, the society and myself ( save this sentence for the conclusion) .

First, I noticed that in the recent years, aging and obesity became a global issue. As there are more and more elderly in the societymedicine advances so does life expectancy , the health industry will need to provide more care and services themto the elderly . One of the areas that could be improved is the eating habits. Helping them to develop and maintaining a healthy eating habit is very important to their health. the other hand, Obesity is really dangerous to our health and it can lead to a lot of serious illnesses. Therefore, more diet plans should be developed in order to help the people that are suffering in obesity to succeed in dieting.

Find another way to transition to the second paragraph using "Second" feels too formalSecond , I really likelove to eat and cook. I am always interested in trying new and tasty foods. However, I would like to still be healthy, therefore I thinkwant to study food and nutrition to help me to develop a better understanding of which kinds of food are better and healthier for me. I like to spend time and dospent hoursresearches and find researching differentnew healthy recipesthat are healthy and will provide nutrients to us . This is because I would like plan to enter the food and nutrition program in the future andto obtain morefurther professional knowledge.

I believe that after completion of the Food and Nutrition program, it would lead to many job opportunities that are will prepare me for a career in the health industry. Dietitians in clinic and hospital would provide professional advice to the patience and help them develop a healthy diet. Dietitians working in the food industry may help to give advice and monitor to produce healthy product or meals to the company. Dietitians may also work with specific group of people such as children, elderly or patients with illness. I believe that after the completion of the Food and Nutrition program, there will be a lot of potential careers or job opportunities in the market that I will be passionate in.

You have a good Idea, try not to write this essay like how you write an essay for school. You are being too formal by writing "first" "second" to open a new paragraph. You lost focus in the conclusion and I was confused about the Dietitian information, do you want to be one?. Try to look out for repetition, each sentence should build upon the previous and not repeat the same idea.


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