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Healthcare and Family - Essay about introducing me essay


Martinez1011 2 / 3  
Jun 3, 2019   #1

I'm a student at Kilgore College (self-introduction)



Hi my name is Karla. I was born in Phoenix Arizona, my Mother moved to Texas when I was 15. I am a first time student at Kilgore College.

My hobbies are mostly spending time with my family. I have a three year old daughter with my fiance. He has three girls from a previous marriage. They are my bonus kids, at times it's a bit stressful caring for four girls but I love them to pieces. I also have two biological sisters as well as three step sisters and one step brother. I consider myself to be a quiet person, though very easy-going and lovable. My biggest motivation is my Mother, she has truly shown me that I must work hard in order to achieve my goals. She raised my two sister and I alone, I remember her working long days and coming home to us and somehow managing being the best mother. She taught me to never depend on another person to get you through life.

I have always had an interest in the healthcare field. Helping others is what I live to do. My whole life I planned on becoming a nurse, I thought that was what I was destined to do. I had been working at a dental office for six years, not sure how I ended up there, soon shortly I realized that was not where I had planned to be. I was not happy working there. At first I thought maybe this is enough for me but after six years I began to dread the days I was there. Every morning I would think of a reason to not go. So today I begin a new journey to follow my dreams.

Please check and correct this essay. Thank you.

Jason Nguyen 2 / 3  
Jun 4, 2019   #2
Hi, my name is Karla. I was born in Phoenix Arizona, my Mother moved to Texas when I was 15. I am a first-time student at Kilgore College.

Please check and correct this essay. Thank you.
Maria [Contributor] - / 727 282  
Jun 5, 2019   #4
@Martinez1011
Hi there!

I think that your essay is straightforward and well-written. I would only comment that the structure definitively needs to have more structure. For instance, in your first paragraph, you could have followed a format wherein you followed a sequence of events instead of being scattered in your general introductions of the people in your life. If you can do this, you'll be able to have more of a structured approach to writing, enhancing the overall outlook of your essay.

Furthermore, be cautious of your usage of punctuation. You often appear to rambling in the latter portions - this is due to the lack of systematized pattern for you to follow to have more of a writing initiative.

Having said that, I can show you what I mean in this revision:

... healthcare field sector.
... a nurse,; I thought that it was what I...
... for six years,. I was uncertain of how I ended up there, realizing soon after that it wasn't where I intended my life to be in not sure how ... to be. I was not un happy working there. At first, I thought maybe this that was is enough for me - but, after six years, I began to dread the days I was there. ... of a reason to not go not to go.

So today This has led me to today: I begin a new ...

After this, you can perhaps insert a portion that will elaborate more in-depth what these dreams are - and what your long-term aspirations are. Doing this will help you add more intimacy to your writing.

Best of luck as always.
OP Martinez1011 2 / 3  
Jun 5, 2019   #5
@Maria
Thank you so much! Very helpful!


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