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'My heart thumps and my breath gets heavier' EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES-Dartmouth


help_p 1 / 1 1  
Dec 29, 2013   #1
Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below. (250 words max)
My heart thumps and my breath gets heavier as I stare into my enemy's eyes shadowed behind the silver-meshed mask as if they are hiding secrets. At the moment, this silver mask is the only place where I can hide my true emotions and my thoughts. I am afraid if my enemy can perceive my deceitful strategies if my face is revealed. Though we are only two meters away, I can feel the tension clung to the air. The suffocating silence is pierced by the sound waves of murmurs in a crowd. As soon as the start of our bout is signaled, we charge after each other and clank our sabres to take each other's blades down. I take a step back immediately as both of us fail to stab each other. Should I make her fall short? Should I put my blade down to trick her into thinking that I have an exposed target area? All these thoughts to feign her run rampant in nanoseconds. Wait. But she is retreating. It looks like I have my right of way. I take advantage of these unexpected moments. I quickly run down the strip. Even before she has a chance to touch my blade I mercilessly swing my blade around hers. Clink. I did it. I just won my fencing bout 5-4. After we unmask, showing our true identities with forced smiles, we shake our hands. "Good bout"

Is this essay alright?
Editing, criticism all welcomed
collindching 4 / 7  
Dec 29, 2013   #2
This is a good narrative, but I think what you need is more of a "what if" to this story. There is plenty of exciting tension, but the admissions officer would wonder what exactly you came out of this experience with.


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