Prompt: Please submit a one page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know. For freshmen applying to more than one college or program, please mention each college or program to which you are applying. Because our admission committees review applicants by college and program, your essay can impact our final decision.
I need help editing and perfecting this prompt. Any type of help is appreciated. Thank you
All around the world, technology is constantly evolving. With that evolution and change come ever-increasing advancements and challenges regarding technological efficiency and accessibility, both nationally and for the international population. As a young adult in the 21st century, my reliance on technology has considerably increased over the years. Since my passion lies in the fields of Physics and Engineering, I have also taken a striking interest in the complex processes that allows our everyday technology to function, from our scientific calculators to our electric cars.
I am a part of the group of Americans who understand that technology reliance has increased, especially with the globalization of digital communications and reliance on machines to complete simple tasks. Since a vast majority of Americans aren't as technologically educated as I am, I have developed a strong sense of responsibility. I have the potential to design or construct more technology that could improve on or replace our modern devices; I have the potential to ensure future generations have access to efficient and reliable technology, regardless of their location; I have the potential to change the lives of so many people. If I waste this potential, I would be failing millions for not taking the initiative to ensure advancement and ultimately failing myself by not pursuing my passion.
In my junior year of high school I enrolled in an AP Computer Science class that gave me an introduction into the world of computers and programming. What I lacked for in my ability to code I made up for in my extensive knowledge on the framework of a computer. While other students hurried to into programming and software, I was doing intense research into how a single motherboard has the ability to connect and control CPUs, hard drives, RAM, etc. My teacher noticed my aptitude for learning about the hardware aspect of Computer Science and we spoke about my success in AP Calculus, AP Physics C: Mechanics, and Electricity & Magnetism and recommended I did more research into programs at Carnegie Mellon's College of Engineering, as my true calling may be in either Mechanical or Electrical Engineering.
Consequently, I've conducted more research into the Carnegie Mellon College of Engineering, a school I already knew dedicated their services to securing the education of thousands in the United States and even more to providing a quality engineering experience to their students along with a plethora of minors including Mechanical and Electrical Engineering. As an institution that places emphasis on the progression of their students' education and well-being of their community, Carnegie Mellon is one that is undeniably the most qualified of its kind. What I have heard from almost all the staff, alumni, and current students interviewed is that on-campus interaction is done with the intent of improving each other and making the campus a much more productive and inclusive environment.
I immediately related to the motto of your institution: "My heart is in the work." Carnegie Mellon's mission and morals reflect my own. I want to attend Carnegie Mellon College of Engineering because as technology evolves and our dependence is at an all-time high, demand for an influx of new and innovative minds eager to learn and step up to the challenges presented by the latest technological advances has increased tremendously. As an avid physicist and mathematician, I am aware the Carnegie Mellon College of Engineering gives me ample research and educational opportunities to pursue my passion the most productive way possible, and I won't let the opportunity to do so go to waste.
With that evolution and change comes ever-increasing advancements (...), both fornationallynational and for the international populations .
I would remove the two semi-colons in your second paragraph. It's safer to use one as two or more should be used when listing things. I would also find synonyms for potential. I do like your "I have the potential..." part, but try to change it in your last sentence.
..., I would be failingfail millions for not taking (...) and ultimately failingfail myself by ...
In my junior year of high school, I enrolled in ...
What I lacked for in my ability to code I made up for my inability to code in my extensive ...
While other students hurried to into programming and ...
My teacher noticed (...) Computer Science, and we spoke (...) & Magnetism and. He recommended I did ...
Try to find another way to say "research into".
I'm confused by this line: "What I have heard from almost all the staff, (...) more productive and inclusive environment". Were you the one to interview these people?
... and educational opportunities to pursue in my passion the most ...
I like the structure and progression of your essay. You need to work a little on grammar and varying words, but once that's done you'll have a solid piece.
