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"Helen" - Common App People Who Influenced Essay.


xoxsueshixox 1 / 15  
Jan 1, 2010   #1
Topic: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Perspiration accumulated on my forehead as my mother left me with a stranger. The blond lady guided me through the hallways of my first elementary school in America. As I entered the first grade classroom, every student examined me from head to toe. I had encountered my first experience with people of different types and backgrounds. Some had pale or dark skin, while others had angelic blue or olive green eyes. No one in the room had a bowl cut or a Hello Kitty outfit like I did. I was dumbfounded. The teacher mumbled something in English that I did not comprehend at that time. She pointed at a seat next to a pulchritudinous blond girl and I scrambled to get there. When I sat down, the girl pointed to her name tag and said "Helen." She then rambled something in English and I just politely nodded.

When the teacher handed out a handwriting exercise packet, I had no idea what to do. As the other students worked diligently on their work, I sat there with a perplexed expression. A few minutes later, Helen looked at me and read my mind. She picked up my packet and demonstrated how to write each letter slowly. When she finished teaching me, my instinct caused me to say "xie xie," (Thank you) but I had received a puzzled look from her. I thought of ways to express my gratitude, but ended up giving her a thumbs up. Events like this continued to occur over the school year as we tried to understand each other by body gestures. Eventually, she taught me how to say simple phrases such as "thank you" or "lavatory." Helen even introduced me to her group of friends when I made an improvement in my verbal skills. She helped to transform me from a quiet and biased Chinese girl to someone who is outgoing and loves diversity among her friends. If it were not for Helen, I would probably have grown up to be isolated from society because people constantly made fun of me for my poor pronunciation (even today).

As I look back into the past, I realized that I depended on Helen too often. Although we are no longer as close as we once were, I feel that she ultimately changed who I am today.

I was chosen to be the guide and tutor for a recent Chinese transfer student at my high school this year. When I looked at the transfer student, I feel as if I am staring at a reflection of myself in the old days. Like me in the past, she is very quiet and does not speak English at all. This time, however, the tables are turned. Instead of receiving the help, I, like Helen, will be the one offering to help.
tsarles 1 / 3  
Jan 1, 2010   #2
Brilliant essay. Short but sweet and gets the point across. I can relate to this heavily cos I'm asian too :) I don't spot any major grammar mistakes... its ready to be uploaded!
OP xoxsueshixox 1 / 15  
Jan 1, 2010   #3
Thanks Wang. We're both from HK, what a coincidence.
dinochar 1 / 5  
Jan 1, 2010   #4
this is such a sweet essay :)

pulchritudinous - I honestly had to look that one up :P

As I look back into the past, I realized that I depended on Helen too often. Although we are no longer as close as we once were, I feel that she ultimately changed who I am today. This section is very different from the rest of your essay; I would either elaborate on it or remove it.
OP xoxsueshixox 1 / 15  
Jan 1, 2010   #5
I was on the fence with that little section too. I had wanted to put it there to make it seem like I was not all that great. That I knew I was "taking advantage" so to speak.
musicislife3128 1 / 4  
Jan 1, 2010   #6
overall your essay is good!! i like it. just a few suggestions:

Helen even introduced me to her group of friends when I made an improvement in my verbal skills. i would change this to "once"

i also agree with dinochar's comments

When I looked at the transfer student, I feel as if I am staring at a reflection of myself in the old days make these two words so that they agree with each other (i.e. looked, felt or look, feel)
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Jan 1, 2010   #7
i loved this! really nice.
just a suggestion, better remove the part:
As I look back into the past, I realized that I depended on Helen too often. Although we are no longer as close as we once were, I feel that she ultimately changed who I am today.

Good luck :)
OP xoxsueshixox 1 / 15  
Jan 1, 2010   #8
Thanks for the help. I always have tense shift problems.
achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #9
When I looked at the transfer student, I feel as if I am staring at a reflection of myself in the old days.
How about:
When I look at transfer students, I feel as if I am staring at a reflection of my old self.

Apart from that its really good. nice and direct.
autogunny 3 / 72  
Jan 1, 2010   #11
pulchritudinous

i would take that word out.. it interrupts the flow.

," (Thank you)

I think its "(Thank you), but..

Eventually, she taug

actually say By tommorow or something..

I liked your essay, it was very easy to understand. Nice imagery in my head also

can you critique my bu 3 words?


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