Can someone please review and edit my essay?
The prompt is "Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you."
My essay.
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We are given the chance to meet people many times that can change our outlook on life for the better. We may meet these people through relationships, events we participate in, or in the most random places we can think of. I am lucky to have met one of these people while in a situation having that person helped greatly. She became the person who taught me how to sing, to build confidence, and most importantly, to be open around people I'm not familiar with.
On my first day of my junior year in high school walking into my newly chosen men's choir class, nervous and uncertain, I was ready to quickly get to the counselor's office to ask for a schedule change. I soon came to find that many of these students had been singing with each other since middle school and junior high, and worst of all, many had gone off to regional's together. I was expecting and ready to be made fun of for not having any ability to sing whatsoever, only to be greeted by a huge smile from a woman whom everyone called "fluff".
Fluff was the San Marcos High School choral director and my new favorite teacher for this new school year. She had an amazing ability to spot out when someone had been having a bad day, whether It be by their attitude, choice of words, or simply facial expressions. When frustration with either school or personal relationships overwhelmed me, she was always the teacher I could look forward to seeing in class or rely on to talk my problems out. I remember a day where I was unprepared for both a pre-calculus and physics test, walking into choir very disgruntled with my performance on these tests, and disappointed in myself. Within ten minutes of class she had spotted me out and used her charm to help me feel better, and even wrote me a note to speak with my teacher during their off period to get extra help. She may have wanted to see me excel in music, but she also saw my interests in science and business, and was did whatever she could to help me excel in these areas as well me. She would bring up ideas to me that I would never have thought of about bringing business and music together, and showing me colleges and fields of work she thought I may like. Although she was my choir director, she was much like a counselor, and a close friend as well.
With her influence I was given the academic boost I needed to challenge myself in school and have a broader outlook on the things I wished to pursue with a higher education. My senior year of high school has been incredibly more difficult for me academically, and I am feeling more and more prepared for new challenges with every day. I am still one of Helen Miers' students and am trying out for varsity mixed choir.
aaguilar181
"I am lucky to have met one of these people while in a situation having that person helped greatly."
Honestly, there's something wrong with this sentence...
More illustrations of this dictator you mentioned should be placed in the essay. Your improvements? Your change? Illustrations on these points should be more.
Anyway, it not so bad so carry on!
I am lucky to have met one of these important people while in a situation having that this person was able to greatly help me.
She had an amazing ability to spot out when someone had been having a bad day, whether It be by their attitude, choice of words, or simply facial expressions. ----- good sentence!!!
She would bring up ideas to me that I would never have thought of; for example, she inspired me to bring business and music together, and she showed me colleges and fields of work she thought I may like.
Although she was my choir director, she was also much like a counselor, and a close friend as well.
This is an extremely nice essay. I hope the choir director gets to see it!
:-)
I remember a day 'when' I was unprepared for both a pre-calculus and physics test; I was walking into choir very disgruntled with my performance on these tests, and was disappointed in myself. Within ten minutes of class she had spotted me....
She may have wanted to see me excel in music; but she also saw my interests in science and business, and did whatever she could to help me excel in these areas as well as me-I'm not sure what you're trying to say here; You can eliminating this if you want to.
and I am feeling more and more prepared for new challenges with every day.
I agree with Juliachen this essay needs more illustration; but other than that it's a sweet essay. Try to make it stand out more, you know?
Oops I made some errors, ignore my first message >__< (I'm new out here)
I remember a day 'when' I was unprepared for both a pre-calculus and physics test; I was walking into choir very disgruntled with my performance on these tests, and was disappointed in myself. Within ten minutes of class she had spotted me....
She may have wanted to see me excel in music; but she also saw my interests in science and business, and did whatever she could to help me excel in these areas as well as me-I'm not sure what you're trying to say here; You can try eliminating this if you want to.
and I am feeling more and more prepared for new challenges with every day.
I agree with Juliachen this essay needs more illustration; but other than that it's a sweet essay. But try to make it stand out more, you know?
