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"Hello Class" Foreign exchange/ international student experience/ Activity essay


elina855 3 / 6  
Dec 18, 2012   #1
Hi, this is my first thread on this website

I would REALLY appreciate some constructive criticism, and even petty grammar corrections are a plus :)

The short essay is based on an activity (elaborate)
I chose my foreign exchange/international student experience

"Hello class, my name is called Liu Wenxin," introduced a 12-year-old girl in her broken Chinese. Away from home and in a boarding school, this was me 5 years ago. I neither spoke nor understood mandarin, but somehow I had convinced myself to move into a completely new environment to learn its culture and history. Now I am in America, neither as shy nor as linguistically inept, but as curious and challenge-loving as ever. In fact I am currently fluent in both Chinese and English! Everything I've done stems from the belief that overcoming challenges builds perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. One of the greatest rewards of living abroad is becoming globally-aware. I am blessed to have studied in 5 countries and 8 schools. Each place I've been is an inseparable part of my being: the people I've met, the things I've observed, and the decisions I've made shape my worldview; and this worldview is one of hope and the wish to give back to the world what it has given me.

Exactly 1000 characters
I don't think it flows that much, any suggestions?
Thanks!

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Dec 19, 2012   #2
Well you give a good impressive start : )
I find a gap between the following two lines;

I neither spoke nor understood mandarin, but somehow I had convinced myself to move into a completely new environment to learn its culture and history. Now I am in America, neither as shy nor as linguistically inept, but as curious and challenge-loving as ever.

....The link between the two must come more effectively.

and this worldview is one of hope and the wish to give back to the world what it has given me

.... this part needs improvement as it does not flow well.
But, the rest is fine. Of course you have lots of potential for improving this more :D
MisuleCZE 1 / 5  
Jan 13, 2013   #3
It is interesting to read and definitely makes me want to get to know you better. The only thing that sounds weird to my is the " I am blessed to have studied in 5 countries and 8 schools." I mean the bless part...

Good luck!
sdelicana 5 / 10  
Jan 13, 2013   #4
It's good.
The part where you say "I'm currently fluent in both Chinese and English," however, seems a little unnecessary, or maybe you can phrase it a little differently.

But good job, and good luck!
Flargus 3 / 9  
Jan 14, 2013   #5
ĺĽ˝ĺžˆïźVery well written.

I agree that the "Fluent in Chinese and English" part doesn't fit right, and maybe expand on the five countries? Even just an additional one or two examples?

Then again, that may take away from the flow of it as well.


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