Help on Common App - My Life Background and Business

Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to
adulthood within your culture, community, or family.

The ruthless monopolist

I earned millions. I controlled everything in the markets and set the prices. I did what I wanted, whenever I wanted. The world revolved around me. I was a ruthless monopolist. This big fat jerk is me-in Madden Mobile, that is.

I thought my life sucked. Living in the heart of the Silicon Valley, many of my peers' parents are affluent and educated. In contrast, my parents, two immigrant custodians, work tirelessly day-to-day for us to make ends meet, so money always lingers in the back of our minds. My parents both worked the graveyard shift at San Jose State University. My father still worked even as his ability to use his leg declines due to polio. I wanted to repay my parents, but I knew that as a teenager, there wasn't much I could do. Nonetheless, this didn't stop me from trying. The day I helped my parents invest in the stock market is a day I will never forget. As I pressed the "trade" button, their faces beamed with pride and my heart filled with inspiration. At that moment, I realized that developing my passions and using it to help others was a gratifying experience.

I'm a curious teenager with access to a galaxy of information: the Internet. Once hooked onto a topic, my hunger for knowledge cannot be satiated. Sacrificing sleep and food, I will spend hours surfing the web for the sake of research. In the summer of 2014, I fell in love with investment strategy and found the stock market. Coming up with sufficient capital was an ambitious goal for a kid not yet old enough to work, but my desire to obtain first-hand experience in the stock exchange was boundless.

Like many of my football teammates, I was obsessed with a mobile football game called Madden Mobile. I read about the control Big Oil had over the world economy and pondered, "How do so few control so much?" Monopolies fascinated me, and when I realized this strategy was applicable to the Madden Mobile market, my excitement grew inside of me like a young child discovering ice cream for the first time. Cornering specific markets, I earned millions in virtual currency. This quenched the competitive fire between me and my teammates, but I soon realized that I could use my success for a nobler cause: helping my parents financially. Accordingly, I developed the e-commerce website, maddencoinshop.bigcartel, and earned $4000 liquidating all of my virtual currency.

As a fourteen-year-old with a sizable amount of money, it would be easy to spend it on video games or computers. But my desire to invest in the stock exchange was limitless, and I recognized that my family could be better off a couple years down the road if we simply invested in the stock market. I gave my parents my money and convinced them to invest in some of the "safer" stocks, such as Amazon and Nike, ultimately satisfying my desire of investing in the stock exchange. This experience of acting on my passions made me realize that with enough forethought, a good work ethic, and a little bit of luck, I could turn my ideas into reality.

My passions will last me a lifetime. I've found a way to not only have fun doing what I wanted to do but to also help those I love. I hope this rings true later on in life when I continue to chase my ambitions and help others. I want to help those who are in the same financial position as I am, to look at the world from different perspectives and explore; knowledge is unlimited. I want to repay my parents for all they have sacrificed. However, desires are not self-fulfilling. I realize that as an adult, I hold my life in my hands. So no, my life doesn't suck. I still have the opportunity to keep climbing.

Jason, this essay really needs to be toned down from the arrogant and self serving tone that it currently has. Most specially because the actions that you discuss in this essay do not really appropriately represent the requirements of the prompt. There needs to be a stronger tone of humility within the essay. Rather than bragging about the sizeable amount of money that you have and your fixation with video games. The first impression that you make on the reviewer with this essay is critical. It is a character driven essay and by opening your statement in an arrogant sounding manner, you may cement the image that the reviewer may create of you. Try to revise the essay instead. Keep the focus on your realizing that the stock market can help your family and you encouraged them, with own money, to invest in it. However, don't bring in a discussion about the way your friends live, what your video game fixation is like, etc. Instead, focus on the way that your parents are hard working and how your life with them is a bit difficult but that you have always known that you want what is best for your family. Then discuss how you discovered the stock market, but don't focus so much on the video game aspect of the discovery. Move into the discussion as to how you realized that this would be the ticket to you helping your family even though you are not gainfully employed yet. Explain how your parents took to your suggestion and what the outcome of the investment currently is. Then tell the reviewer about how your parents feel at this point in time, knowing that the stock investment is there to support the family. That will be the real transition story here. The fact that you are looking out for your parents future instead of the other way around. Just tone it down and be more conscious of the image you want to portray to reviewer. Don't make any mistakes that might backfire on you.