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Help me to correcting my introduction essay :)

Esseenn 1 / 2  
Oct 4, 2018   #1

self-introduction essay

Hello Mister! I want to tell you about my self to you.
My name is Sarah Nuril Iffa and
You can call me by my first name.
I was born in Bekasi, July 15 2000.
I moved to Kediri when i was 14 until graduated from Muhammadiyah High School Kediri.
About my family, I have 2 younger brothers. Their names are Farhan and Fauzan.
The age difference between them is 3 years but seems like twins specially when playing or fighting. I miss them so much because I live independently in a boarding house at Jalan Semanggi Barat near State Polytechnic of Malang place where i study now. By Living close, I can just walk to my college.

Thank you for taking time out of your schedule to read my Introduction Sir.

btoguntade 4 / 5 2  
Oct 4, 2018   #2
Hello Sarah,

It's difficult to assist without knowing the intent of your introduction.

Regardless of the reason though, I'm not sure the details on your brothers should be in it.

You can try this outline;

State who you are and why you are writing.
Give some information about your background; In doing this, state your age, not your date of birth.
Talk about why you are writing in more detail. If your family is a vital part of your reason for the introduction, speak about them. If not, take it out.

You need a 'call to action'. Are you expecting the person to call or you expect the person to write a letter in response? If it's a call, state a number you can be reached on. If you expect a letter in return, state that you look forward to a response.

If this letter is to be attached to some other document(s), possibly an application, then make reference to the documents you are attaching.

I hope this helps.
OP Esseenn 1 / 2  
Oct 4, 2018   #3
Hi @btoguntade

In this introduction assignment, i must share my high school, where i live, my family and how i go to school everyday.

I put my brothers detail to share about my family.

tbh this is my first online writing assignment from my teacher so there will no letter to return for me.

Thank you for your promptly reply
btoguntade 4 / 5 2  
Oct 4, 2018   #4
Hello Sarah,

Alright then.

Start with your full name. There's no need to ask to be called by your first name.

State your age (not date of birth unless specifically requested) and where you were born. Talk about the fact you moved to Kediri; when and why.

Since you need to talk about your family, I'll suggest you talk about everyone (unless there's some specific reason you don't want to). About your brothers, don't mention The age difference between them is 3 years but ... Instead, state their actual ages.

Talk about your current school; when you got admitted, what you are studying, why you chose the school.

Close with why you wrote the letter, which is to introduce yourself.
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Oct 4, 2018   #5
Sarah, what is the actual purpose for writing this introduction? From the looks of it, this is just supposed to be a simple introduction in simple English writing. It would be better if you post the actual instructions you are given for your writing assignments so that a proper analysis can be done of your work. At this point. Babatunde is over complicating the work for you. It appears that this is supposed to be a one paragraph essay. The instructor is just trying to get a feel of your English writing abilities and level at this point. Which is why only short and specific information was asked of you.

Your writing ability shows that you have a beginner level grasp of the written English language. You basically offering only straightforward information about who you are, how you want to be addressed (called by people), where you were born and when. Discussing your family should have included your parents aside from your siblings. State who your father is and where he works, the same goes for your mother. You need to indicate your sibling hierarchy aside from the age differences of your siblings. That is because you are discussing your family so your position in the family ranking should be stated as well. Indicate what college you go to and why you decided to live in a boarding house. Why couldn't you study closer to home instead? That way you can truly introduce yourself, in a simple manner to the instructor.

I believe that your instructor will read your presentation and realize that you have the potential to learn how to write properly in English at an appropriate pace. You have shown the ability to express yourself in simple English, in a manner that native English speakers can mostly understand. This piece of writing shows that you have the potential to become a native writer / speaker of the English language if taught and guided properly during your formal lessons and practice sessions.
OP Esseenn 1 / 2  
Oct 4, 2018   #6
Thank you very much for your kindness to help me :)
your suggestions are very helpful.
I'll try to revise my introduction according to your suggesting as you mentioned :
1. Full name
2. My age and where i was born
3. Thw fact i moved, when and why
4. Talk about everyone in my family
5. My brothers actual ages
6. My current school
7. Reason why i wrote the introduction.

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