So I'm not sure if it has good direction or flow, and I'm sure there's a couple sentences I could rephrase and tighten up a bit and i could use some help with imagery. I haven't come up with a conclusion either. haha
I cannot help but feel left behind. I have no blame. I do feel anxious, though, and stuck sometimes. It's just, the most of my friends graduated college--I haven't.
Nearing the end of high school, I had plans of going to a university in the States. Sent out applications, received a couple "We regret to inform you..."'s and a few "Congratulations, you've been accepted"'s, I was excited. My Dad took me out to lunch, one day. He brought up schools. Said he could afford two years of tuition and the rest I would have to pay. I understood that; I had a job since I was 14. I knew the value of money. I was ok with it. Then he started saying your mom is really going to miss you and your six-year old sister won't really get to know you. I knew what he was implying--it would be easier if I stayed. It would be easier if I just went to classes they have on Base. I felt pressured. I was so ready to leave and my Dad was asking me to stay. And I did. I graduated high school in Heidelberg, Germany, my friends left for college in the States, as planned, and then I moved to Okinawa, unexpectedly.
Since moving to Okinawa, I made a plan to stay on track with school so I could transfer later. The plan has been to take classes and receive my AA in General Studies while doing well in elective classes, pertaining to sciences. Check. These subjects were chosen because of their concurrence with the classes your pre-nursing students study. Part two of my plan was to simultaneously work and save money for tuition while I attend classes for my AA. Check. This is where my skills of organization and multi-tasking have greatly improved, and where I learned the value of punctuality. Having the ability to juggle a 10-page essay, study for a mid-term and make it to work on time after class is advantageous and a trait that would help me thrive while attending a larger university. And part three was to volunteer at the local Red Cross as a CPR/AED instructor. Check. I get a sense of accomplishment from volunteering. Knowing that I taught life saving method to others is satisfying, even though I have never had to use CPR or an AED to save anyone. I do not volunteer as much as I want to, with work interfering with the volunteering
schedule, but I improvise.
At UT, I plan to do the same study with focus, work and hopefully, continue to volunteer. I'm choosing pre-nursing as my major because I know I want to work in the medical field, but I'm not entirely sure what I want to do in it. I have spoke with many people whose career is medicine and found out many nurses go on to earn their R.N., while others work primarily as paramedics or become physician assistants. Some study longer and earn their M.D. They can transfer to the administration side of hospital work or become commissioned officers in U.S. Military. I'm hoping to use the tools your university offers to found which path I want to take.
*I don't have a conclusion yet, but I was thinkin about something like "Transfering to a major university: In progress." Kinda progressing the plan and check list motif.
Is cannot help but feel left behind the title of your essay or your introductory sentece? Because I think it's emphasizing on the wrong thing.
The sudden "Check." kinda confused me while I read it, because you only did it in your second paragraph. I personally think It would be better to avoid the check list kind of essay, but that's more up to you. Everyone has their own style of writing :)
The chronology is already quite structured, but as a reader I'm also having difficulties in concluding it.
Maybe something like, "These experiences have made me into who I am and I'm ready to face the challenges of a larger university."?
Actually, it's kind of similar to this sentence you wrote:
Having the ability to juggle a 10-page essay, study for a mid-term and make it to work on time after class is advantageous and a trait that would help me thrive while attending a larger university
I feel like the mood of this essay is kind of negative. It's a little bit "woe is me". You could spin it. Make it sound more like you are overcoming adversity by making a decision and sticking with it. Explain how you will accomplish your goal by using examples of how you balanced a hectic schedule in the past. Definitely figure out what you want to do with your degree, as that is part of the purpose for getting. They know what graduates do already, so you don't need to inform them. Just pick something that may be interesting to you. Just because you put it on your list now, doesn't mean you will have to go with that career once you graduate. I doubt the admissions office of a major University wants to hear that you are coming to them to help you figure out your life. Try no to sound so unsure of yourself, and don't fear failure. You will succeed at anything you try.
I know that the prompt kind of makes you think of this as a personal letter you might write to let your personality show through, and in a sense you have done that. Your essay is very honest. However, you should think of it more as a job interview. Highlight your positive traits. Think of what you can offer the school and society by joining the student body.
Other than that, there are a few grammatical errors. If you want help correcting those, let me know.
Check out my essay and tell me what you think. Good luck!
