All throughout my academic career I've been working hard to thrive. I've always been the top student in my class and was voted "Most Likely To Succeed". But the truth really comes down to whether or not I can do well in college. When picking my college choices I deliberately chose the ones that I knew would help me go far. I didn't want to impair my educational potential by applying to a community college or any other college with the same ranking. My parents worked hard to enroll me into a small Catholic school for elementary and also high school.
Because my high school happens to be placed in one of the not so favorable areas of Oakland, my school has had a hard time with its enrollment of students as well as teachers. In class, I haven't been taught as much as I could learn. My teachers have done well in making sure their students understand the information they are taught, but they haven't taught at a fast and challenging enough pace for me. I was constantly held back in lesson plans because I would always finish early. I want to learn as much as my brain can handle, and I love to share my knowledge as well. With Stanford being the prestigious school that it is, I will not have to worry about receiving a great education.
I envision myself struggling with challenging assignments and being able to approach my professors when I need help. I envision myself laying my head down in a secure and comfy dorm. I envision a culturally inclined campus with many knowledgeable intellectuals to learn from. Learning about the world and other cultures is imperative in learning about one's self. I know that Stanford University will help my heart and mind develop. It's the ideal place for chance and opportunity, and I make the best out of every chance that I come across. I will be able to succeed if accepted because Stanford University would help guide me to where I can be, need to be, and shall be.
--over the limit. I need to cut out some extra baggage!
I would cut out "I've always been the top student in my class and was voted "Most Likely To Succeed"." A better place for this type of information would be in the "Additional Information" section, if at all. If your grades are good, I think they will speak for themselves. I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm just thinking about how many students will apply here and try to make their academic achievements known as much as possible, but come off sounding like self-praising egoists. Your essay isn't that high on the egoist scale, I've definitely seen worse, but still you might want to tone it down a little.
The part about the community colleges sounds like you're saying you're too good for them, even though this might not be what you intended. I'd focus more on how Stanford is a better choice (more intellectually stimulating, cultural, etc.) than how a community college is not good enough for you. Maybe you could say how you would rather shoot for the top than play it safe.
Otherwise, you're on a good track. See you at Stanford! (Hopefully)
thank you! I really appreciate your criticism =)
I really would suggest that you do not say:
"I deliberately chose the ones that I knew would help me go far. I didn't want to impair my educational potential by applying to a community college or any other college with the same ranking"
This makes it sound like you're just using stanford to give you a boost to your future career. This is not what Stanford wants to hear. In place of this I would say "I chose colleges with a unique history and vivacious student culture" or something along the lines of that. You want to show that stanford can benefit from you being there not the other way round.
Also, don't mention Stanford's prestige. That's a big no-no.
The admissions people don't want kids going just for Stanford's name, a superficial aspect.
how about.. "As Stanford is one of the world's leading academic institutions "
I think that would still be praising it for its prestigious education. You can try cutting it out and including more on why you'd fit perfectly there. If you've done your research on the school, you can answer the question with a deeper response. Are there any aspects of the school that other universities don't have?
