help make my FSU admission essay more professional and itellectual

TOPIC: For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.

In regards to the motto of Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores", I believe I have a close relation to the Latin word "Artes", which epitomizes the beauty within skills, craft, and art. Throughout my life I have been exposed to various types of art, which has really allowed me to learn to understand and appreciate it.

Starting when I was about two years old my family and I would take a trip every summer to this small town in New York called Chautauqua. Chautauqua was all about the arts. There, we would get to see anything from art stands set up in the street of the main square, to ballet or opera shows, to even Chinese acrobatics. There was a lot of diversity and it really helped me broaden my understanding of all the different types of art.

In elementary school I went to a private Christian school and that had small classes of about fifteen or so. We were not privileged with the options of being able to take music or art classes. So, my mom offered to bring in a few paintings and/or sculptures a few times a year and share it with my class. I remember how excited and anxious I was the days she came and how I couldn't wait to see which painting or sculpture she had brought in that day. I thought it was so interesting to inspect and critique the art. I learned at a young age that you did not have to know all about art to able to enjoy it, and that the fun of it was to come up with your own ideas and interpretations.

In the summer of 2008 my family and I had the opportunity to go to Italy for two weeks. We went to quite a few different cities including Rome, Venice, and Florence. Every city we went to we visited multiples of museums and churches. Here I was able to experience other culture's art and see how art there differentiated from here in America. Seeing things such as the Pantheon, the Vatican, the statue of David, and the murano glass industry really changed my life and put it in a whole new perspective. Honestly, it was the most incredible experience of my entire life.

Being brought up able to experience all this art has really influenced my life and has made me think about things in a whole other point of view. Art always has been and will be a major part of my life. It is an awesome way to express one's self when you cannot do so through words.

Your need to work on your first sentence, you don't want to repeat what the prompt has already said about "Artes."

thank you!

People please give me feedback on this, i really need it. Feel free to be as brutally honest as you want!

I do so love it when students say this. Well, you asked for it . . .

Before: "In regards to the motto of Florida State University, "Vires, Artes, Mores", I believe I have a close relation to the Latin word "Artes", which epitomizes the beauty within skills, craft, and art. Throughout my life I have been exposed to various types of art, which has really allowed me to learn to understand and appreciate it."

After: "I really like art."

Saying it in 57 words doesn't make it any more interesting. The first paragraph can go.

Your second paragraph could be really interesting. But, you were two. You don't say how many years you kept up this tradition, so I have to assume you probably can't really remember anything about this. If you were to tell the reader that you have done this every year up until this one, though, you could probably make this the entire focus of the essay.

Your third paragraph can also go. That your Mom brought in art works for show and tell for you when you were in elementary school is nice, but not something that the admissions officers have a reason to care about.

Your fourth paragraph could be expanded to be the focus of a new essay. Just describe everything in much more narrative detail.

Your last paragraph is like your introduction, which means it can also go away without hurting anything.

your essay has numerous grammatical errors, especially in punctuation.

I wrote another essay that is differant for FSU, but contains some of what i said up there in one paragraph. Is this essay a better way to go? Let me know ASAP!

The Latin words "Vires, Artes, and Mores" signify moral strength, beauty of the art, and strength of character. In the time I have had to sit down and think about these three values, I have had a chance to examine the values of my own life as well. Seeing how these values relate to who I have become over the past years makes me believe I would make an excellent student at Florida State University.

"Virus" signifies strength in many ways and I believe that my best personal quality is my moral strength. In today's society it is very difficult for people to stay true to their own beliefs and values. People nowadays forget to focus on the important things that will affect the rest of their lives. They tend to only focus on the here and now, and not the future consequences. I have seen many of my friends and classmates get swallowed up in trying to be popular and not be able to stand up for themselves. Being morally strong has allowed me to make genuine friendships with people. Although, I have had to withstand the many pressures of growing up, those tests have made my faith in myself stronger than ever.

Fortunately, for me, I have had the benefit of being exposed to art my whole life. Every summer for about ten years my family and I would take a trip to this small town in New York called Chautauqua. There, we would get to see anything from art stands set up in the street of the main square, to ballet or opera shows, to even Chinese acrobatics. Everyday there was something new and exciting to do or see, there was no such thing as a dull moment. Seeing all the diversity of arts helped me broaden my understanding and thinking. In the summer of 2008 my family and I had the opportunity to go to Italy for two weeks. We went to quite a few different cities including Rome, Venice, and Florence. Here I was able to experience other culture's art and see how art there differentiated from here in America. Seeing things such as the Pantheon, the Vatican, the statue of David, and the murano glass industry really changed my life and put it in a whole new perspective. Honestly, it was the most incredible experience of my entire life and has inspired me to take up drawing and sketching.

To me, character is the most important thing about a person. The past four years of high school have really helped shape me into a better person. Everything I have gone through has led me to realize that instead of using your energy on being negative and pessimistic, that you should always try to be happy and thankful for what you have. The motto I like to live by is what H. Jackson Brown once said: "Good character is more to be praised than outstanding talent. Most talents are, to some extent, a gift. Good character, by contrast, is not given to us. We have to build it, piece by piece - by thought, choice, courage, and determination."

Whether it is my past, my present, or my future, these words greatly echo who I am as a person. I am a strong, artistic, and intelligent young woman who can and will make a positive impact not only in college, but also in life.