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Need help in proofreading my essay to enter a fashion school.


vangulo800 1 / -  
Mar 21, 2010   #1
Change has been the one constant in my life. After obtaining my high school diploma, I think back and remember dreaming of becoming a business woman. The image in my mind was not paper work, books, computer, and meetings. It was a picture of me with a Georgio Armani black tailor suite with a Dior, burgundy button-down top, and some Jimmy Choo black stilettos heels, caring a Louis Vuitton bag and wearing some Channel glasses. It took me four year to complete my business degree from San Diego State University. Although, I enjoyed the great knowledge gained from obtaining my business degree. Never, did I realize how wonderful I ac-cessorized and put together a fashionable career outfit. The dream of becoming a business woman was an actual bream but, I realized that something was missing my love for fashion. Before, long I decided to incorporate my business career into fashion by one day owning my own business and providing the service to other women.

A well known private college that specialized in educating student on fashion Marketing and business is why I'm interested in the Fashion Institute of Design and Merchandising. My interests are accommodated in the Merchandise Marketing Associates of Arts Professional Designation program at FIDM. The program that the school has to offer will engulf me in the fashion industry. In addition, I will be taught how to channel my creativity and be innovated in fashion.

Perhaps the main thing about FIDM is that it provides exactly my major of interest. The Merchandise Marketing program will provide me with the entire essential to start a successful career as a boutique owner. With courses such as the retail environment, merchandise trend analysis, merchandise planning, control textile science, promotion in the merchandising environment and applied buying, I can concentrate on my dream and goal; the is to become a professional in the field and to learn how to operate my own retail store and fulfill my customer fantasies and desires as well as to meet their need to look younger, smarter, or more sophisticated.

Participating in the Small Business Development Corporation (SBDC) has provided me with a platform to map out my business plan. FIDM will help me flourish and continue to grow in styling industry. The experince of learning fashion will benefit my future business it will give me the knowledge to become a fashion consultant in a sense of what are the latest trends. It will give me the understanding to be able to create new apparel according to changing styles. Moreover it will help me learn about marketing and showcasing at fashion show as well as how to become a successful buyer.

I have always had a strong desire in fashion and great interest in business. Incorporating (...)

comet2000 10 / 48  
Mar 22, 2010   #2
... and some Jimmy Choo black stilettos heels, carr ing a Louis Vuitton bag and wearing some Channel glasses. It took me four years to complete my business degree from San Diego State University.

I have always had a strong desire in fashion and great interest in business. Incorporating both my fashion obsession into my added business degree and experience has been one of the most exited ideas I ever had.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 23, 2010   #3
It took me four years to complete my business degree from San Diego State University.

I think that is the usual amount of time, isn't it? This sentence seems sort of pointless. The first few lines are intriguing, and that long sentence is very eloquently written! But then we get to this pointless sentence which seems like it really is a lead in for the sentence that follows it... I guess I think this sentence is actually supposed to say something else; what do you really mean to say in this sentence?

Also, that mention of "change" in the first line remains like a "loose end" to tie up. You should use the word change at least 1 or 2 more times in the essay.

You really have excellent detail throughout the essay, and the writing is great. My only ideas for you are these above.

:-)


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