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Help with University of Washington Cultural Essay? What Would I Contribute to the Community?


Silotolis 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2015   #1
PROMPT: The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community?

ESSAY (300 Word Limit):
I come from a small family that views education as one of the most important things for a successful and prosperous life. Both of my parents are from Tajikistan, which is a country located in central Asia region. Knowing the definition of hard work and struggling is a given in my family. The economy in Tajikistan was and continues to be extremely fragile, mostly due to political corruption and irregular reforms. Because of this, my parents went through a lot and understood what the important concepts in life are. They did not have the privilege of standardized school systems, a stable income, and many other things that are commonly taken for granted in the United States. They followed important cultural ideals that are very different from those in the States, because they lived in a place that was very different as well.

The ideals that my parents followed were passed on to me as I was raised in the States. I was taught to put my loved ones before anything else, and to value education as something that is a privilege, not a right that everyone has access to. Therefore, those cultural ideals taught me to take my school work seriously. The responsibility I had as a first generation child was emphasized early in my life. I was the first in our family to have the ability to pursue the American dream -- a job, a family, a life that was free of financial struggle.

I hope to bring these same ideals to the University of Washington's student body and staff. I feel that emphasizing the importance of education and the privileges that we have in America, as well as the role that our families play, would be beneficial to every individual that is not yet exposed to other cultures.

P.S: It's due in a couple of days, so any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
Ssakshijain 28 / 146 87  
Nov 29, 2015   #2
Hi Ardasher
Here are my suggestions :

I come from a small family that views education as one of the most important thingscriteria( I learned that we should avoid using word "things" in the formal essay)for a successful and prosperous life. ...

Knowing the definition of hard work and strugglinge is a given in my family...

They did not have the privilege of standardized school systems, a stable income, and many other thingsbenefits(same avoid word "things") that are commonly taken for granted in the United States...( I do not think if it is taken for granted in US instead you can say that US is more developed or these privileges are common here. Hope it helps )

Good luck :)
OP Silotolis 1 / 3  
Nov 29, 2015   #3
Thank you for those suggestions Ssakshijain, I will be sure to make those.

How is the overall essay? Does it reply to the prompt well?

Thanks.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 30, 2015   #4
Hi Ardhaser..
This writing is very good to grammar and explanation. Your eagerness is described clearly in your writing. I believe you can improve quality of you writing. I guess you should improve your essay about your contribute. In introduce sentence, you explained specifically about your writing, but you did not explored about your contribute which will you give in the community. You should also give a example in reality so that your writing is more attractive.

Good luck..


Both of my parents are from Tajikistan, which is a country located in central Asia region. Knowing thea definition of hard work ...
The economy in Tajikistan Economy of Tajikistan was and continues to be continuous extremely fragile...

They did not have thea privilege of standardized school systems...
... ideals that are very different fromamong those in the States, because ...


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