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"help me weigh these testicles": common, significant experience/topic of choice


mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Aug 28, 2009   #1
Hi all! I'm new here and I thought I'd post the first drat of my common app essay and get some feedback. I'm not quite sure which topic it fits under, though. I had originally intended it to be about an experience and how it influenced me. I'm most concerned that 1. theres too much narrative/unrelated info and 2. there's not enough about the impact on me. The introduction sentence wasn't meant to be vulgar, more to catch attention. I'd really appreciate any advice.

----
"If you want, you can help me weigh these testicles, unless you think it's gross."
For a moment, I almost forgot what I was doing, my mind a whirlwind of adrenaline. Plastic coveralls and a smock bunched up around the elastic of my shoe covers and latex gloves; a plastic splash shield and tuberculosis mask were tied firmly around my head. The walls and floor glowed sparkly white from the overhead lights reflecting off the metal carts, and the hybrid scent of bleach and formalin hung in the air like an omnipresent chemical cloud.

I eagerly turned towards the resident and accepted the slimy pieces of flesh in my own hands. So far I had only spent three days at my summer internship, but I had already caught the opportunity to scrub in on a genuine autopsy. As I stood on tip toes to watch the resident dissect the valves of the deceased man's heart, I could only think about how lucky I was to have such an up close and personal experience with science.

Alas, not all of my eight-hour days spent at the pathology and laboratory medicine wing of the Veterans Affairs Medical Center in Washington D.C. were as anecdote-worthy. Most days, I felt less than enthusiastic about working in a windowless underground clinical lab while my friends were supposedly making groundbreaking discoveries at their big-name research labs.

Perhaps the least enjoyable day on the job came only a few days after I had assisted with the autopsy. I was still on high, all smiles and flushed cheeks, wondering what other adventures were just around the corner. Maybe another autopsy, in which I'd hold organs that had once propelled the force of life? Or maybe a brain cutting conference, which I'd later brag to my neuroscience-fanatic friends about? But the only sights that greeted me as I walked briskly to my corner office that morning were aged, metal, and asparagus-green: slide filing cabinets. I had noticed the cabinets sitting in the room outside my office from day one, but I had never given them more than a second glance. As luck would have it, I would have an entire eight hours to get to know them - very, very intimately.

That entire day, aside from a lunch that I tried in van to draw out as long as possible with Herculean effort, I transported, reorganized, filed, and re-filed what must have been a few hundred drawers of glass slides. There were autopsy slides, cytology slides, and pathology slides that dated back to the eighties, which all had to be filed in chronological and alphabetical order, by case and patient's last name. By four o'clock, I knew those file cabinets like the back of my hand. When my father picked me up at the Metro station, I moaned and groaned about my cut fingers and sore shoulders as long as he would listen, and probably more.

The next day at the hospital was a rather slow one; there weren't many cases to be reviewed, and much less any autopsies to be performed. I had plenty of time to swivel around in my chair and do some quality thinking. The dates scribbled on the autopsy slides crept into my mind; some of the slides were almost three decades old, nearly double my lifespan and more time than I could effortlessly wrap my mind around. Contemplating the ocean of records that those filing cabinets alone held was slightly overwhelming; I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a canyon that deserved more respect than I gave it. What, I wondered, had made me so uninclined towards those slides in the first place? Was it because I had inadvertently associated mindlessly torturous tasks with the slides?

In my rush to selfishly protest and whine, I had been unfair. I realized that, whether dissecting tissue in the formalin smelling autopsy room or rearranging slides for the millionth time in the stifling storage room, what I had done would be a valuable, albeit small, part of the hospitals history. The significance of a task isn't dictated by how mundane or exciting it is, much less in a place where the mundane involves handling the building blocks of life. The information contained within those asparagus-colored metal walls held more potential and wealth than I could fathom. Wedged between those glass slides that I proclaimed a nuisance so often after nicking my fingers were the DNA of past patients; the "nuisances" were precious clues left behind, clues that would fill in the gaps of current cases, clues that would serve as keystones for current research projects, clues that would remain longer than any of us. No, the significance of a task can't be fully determined until many years later, when my much-bemoaned organization could facilitate locating slides that could contribute to a life-saving diagnosis.

On the last day of my internship, as I bid adieu to the filing cabinets, now my best bosom buddies, it dawned on me that the truly up close and personal - and unexpected - experience I had with science had presented itself in the form of a 3 x 1 inch microscopic slide.

---
I think I should add something like "The next time I approach a tedious task..." but I'm not sure where it would fit.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Aug 28, 2009   #2
You're off to a good start. The story is unique and the first line certainly does draw the reader into your narrative. I'd like to see you tighten up the narrative, omitting unneeded phrases like "and probably more."

Let our expert editors have at it -- Liebe? Noto? Llamapoop? -- and I'm sure you'll get plenty of suggestions for what to cut.
tal105 7 / 130  
Aug 29, 2009   #3
i think its great at the start!! once i read a book with admissions essays with ple who got into harvard and one essay had someone who wrote these exact words (or something close to it LMAO):

"...now i had to figure out a way to flush my handmade toilet. sh*t"
they used such a provacative word in an ADMISSIONS essay and got into HARVARD. so i think this is PERFECT. def. catches the attention. ITS A GREAT essay. def. agree with simone on this one. let the expert critiquers come in, but def. dont change the opening. ;)
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 29, 2009   #4
I think your opening line is arguably your strongest part of your essay. Quite possibly, one of the best opening lines I have read on this site. It's unorthodoxy can cause readers to envision your scenario, and want to read a bit more, which in effect, is a great way to start your essay. It is not vulgar at all by the way, as there is no vulgarity in the word' testicles', especially in the medical context.

It appears that the general consensus is that your essay is a bit long. Noto has already made some suggestions.

Also, your conclusion is fine as it is. You do not need to add more to it in my opinion.

When my father picked me up at the Metro station, I moaned and groaned about my cut fingers and sore shouldersas long as he would listen, and probably more.to him

[quote=mmmargarita]The next day at the hospital was a rather slow one; there weren't many cases to be reviewed, and much less any autopsies to be performed.

[/quote]
^I think there is something wrong in that sentence.

Contemplating the ocean of records that those filing cabinets alone held was slightly overwhelming; I felt as if I were standing at the edge of a canyon that deserved more respect than I gave it.

^I think that the above, in it's entirety can go. Removing it will not disrupt the flow from the previous sentence to the next one.

In my rush to selfishly protest and whine, I had been unfair.

^That can also go. By removing this, your new paragraph gets straight to the point.

I realized that, whether dissecting tissue in the formalin smelling autopsy room or rearranging slides for the millionth time in the stifling storage room, what I had done would be a valuablemy contributions , albeit small, will be a valuable part of the hospitals history. The significance of a task isn't dictatedis not decided by how mundane or exciting it is, much less in a place where the mundane involves handling the building blocks of life

The information contained within those asparagus-colored metal walls held more potential and wealth than I could fathom.
*You had already used the specific 'asparagus' colour description just a few sentences earlier. I do not think that you need to endorse the color through repetition. I as a reader understand that it is asparagus colored and I do not need a reminder...

Wedged between those glass slides that I proclaimed a nuisance so often after nicking my fingers were the DNA of past patients; the "nuisances" were precious clues left behind, clues that would fill in the gaps of current cases, clues that would serve as keystones for current research projects, clues that would remain longer than any of us. No, the significance of a task can't be fully determined until many years later, when my much-bemoaned organization could facilitate locating slides that could contribute to a life-saving diagnosis.

^I liked everything about the above section, although I did not quite get the last sentence...

Your conclusion is fine. Leave it at that. No need to add another point to it.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Aug 29, 2009   #5
Wonderfully written essay. Very engaging and detailed. One thing that struck me though -- you refer to these slides as "clues" holding DNA samples. You also said that you cut your fingers repeatedly on these slides. The word "contamination" springs to mind . . .
OP mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Aug 30, 2009   #6
Thanks so much for the help everyone; definitely took those suggestions. One more question: do you guys feel as if it tells enough about me, as a person? After all, that's what the essay is for. Also, I'm not sure whether it fits under the "significant experience" prompt or the "other" prompt. Any feedback would be great.
Notoman 20 / 419  
Aug 31, 2009   #7
I think that the essay actually tells a lot about you. It may not list attributes in the traditional way, but that is a good thing. You are "showing" instead of "telling."

Let me see what I garner about you from your essay ...

You are not squeamish ... you participated in a program that would have stymied less stalwart souls.

You are interested in science and eager to learn from new opportunities (and surround yourself with like-minded friends).

You have a sense of humor (getting to know the file cabinets intimately and swiveling in your chair).

You are willing to take on menial tasks and are a team player (filing without too much complaint).

You come from a family that cares about you (your dad picked you up at the Metro station).

You are academically well-rounded. Most people are either math/science or English/social studies. You are a rarity in that you appear to be strong in both science and English.

I suppose you could tell a little more about yourself by slipping something in there that speaks to a hobby or talent. Something like: "Contemplating the ocean of records held in those filing cabinets overwhelmed me; I yearned to be ...

a. in my room reading trashy romance novels
b. hiking the Appalachian Trail with my golden retriever
c. playing heavy-metal riffs on my electric guitar
d. juggling plates with a troop of circus performers

I don't think it is really needed though. I would think that either "significant experience" or "other" would work for this essay ... it depends on what else you have.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 31, 2009   #8
I don't think it is really needed though. I would think that either "significant experience" or "other" would work for this essay ... it depends on what else you have.

^I think 'Other' would be best.

Margarita, think of all the imaginative and creative titles you can come up with for this kind of an essay man!
Notoman 20 / 419  
Aug 31, 2009   #9
Just for grins, let me see what I can infer from your essay ...

You are female and petite (you like adjectives--a guy wouldn't necessarily notice the color of the file cabinets, your coveralls bunch, you have to get on tip toe to see, and you moan about your day to your daddy).

You live a sheltered, suburban existence--I'll go out on a limb and guess that you live in Fairfax (not close enough in to the city that you need a ride to the Metro station, DC suburbs have the reputation of being homogeneous, you are able to do a summer internship instead of having to work for money, your English isn't representative of a poor-performing school).

Your dad is a retired military officer. Air Force pilot? Maybe does some part-time consulting? (He is home to pick you up and the military has twenty-year retirement, the DC area has a lot of government workers).

You have light brown hair and you say your eyes are blue, but they are really more hazel (just kidding on this one).

I just noticed your new tagline, Liebe. "I rock?" Didn't you mean to say, "Noto rocks?" Are you sure? When I sent you that hundred bucks to say that "I rock," I meant for you to say that I rock.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 31, 2009   #10
I just noticed your new tagline, Liebe. "I rock?" Didn't you mean to say, "Noto rocks?" Are you sure? When I sent you that hundred bucks to say that "I rock," I meant for you to say that I rock.

^O. Clearly I misunderstood. Oops, my bad. I should have realized that is what you meant!
Well, that is 100 dollars that went down the drain that you will never get back, but made me 100 dollars richer.
OP mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Aug 31, 2009   #11
^What? Bribary on EF? I'm apalled.

Anyway, thanks for the categorization help. Notoman - either you have incredible inference skills or I'm clueless about what my essay actually says. I am female and short, I do live in the Fairfax suburbs,and my dad does work for the government. It's amusing how I add in all that info without realizing it.
Llamapoop123 7 / 442  
Aug 31, 2009   #12
I just noticed your new tagline, Liebe. "I rock?" Didn't you mean to say, "Noto rocks?" Are you sure? When I sent you that hundred bucks to say that "I rock," I meant for you to say that I rock.

I want a cool tagline...
I guess I was the one who requested names though...oh well.
Notoman 20 / 419  
Sep 1, 2009   #13
Notoman - either you have incredible inference skills or I'm clueless about what my essay actually says. I am female and short, I do live in the Fairfax suburbs,and my dad does work for the government.

Ahhhhh . . . I *am* good. There were little hints in your essay, but I have uncanny inference skills. I like to take in all of the little clues and build a most-likely case scenario. Your name wasn't on your post yesterday, I swear. So ... what color are your eyes? You don't have to answer. I already know what color they are.

Clearly I misunderstood. Oops, my bad.

Dang it! I should have known that you would try to get away with my money on semantics. Next time I try to broker a deal with you, I will type more slowly so you can keep up.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Sep 1, 2009   #14
Notoman - either you have incredible inference skills or I'm clueless about what my essay actually says. I am female and short, I do live in the Fairfax suburbs,and my dad does work for the government. It's amusing how I add in all that info without realizing it.

^I chose to ignore the inference part yesterday, because in all honesty, I thought Noto would be wrong. I thought it would be funny to wait, and see just how completely wrong Noto was. But man, I have got to say, seeing as how Noto is pretty much right on target..wait I am going to put this in bold..

Noto's inference skills is the most impressive thing I have seen on this site.
^Wow. Honestly. That is like, pure detective work there! Elite criminologist in the making.
OP mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Sep 1, 2009   #15
Another question...I think I'm getting more paranoid the more I think about this. I was reading the College Board college app essay guide and the author made a point about narrative essays (which I believe mine is):

"a narrative story may survive without an introduction. this format requires readers to go some distance on faith. this strategy can make a very effective *short* college essay, but it puts a significant burden on the reader and is best reserved for occasional use."

Whew. What are your opinions on this?
Notoman 20 / 419  
Sep 2, 2009   #16
Your question threw me for a loop. Even though I have been reading a lot of application essays here, I have not been writing them and I don't have College Board essay guide. So ... I pulled out a book tucked away on the shelf that my cousin handed down to me. It is a book on admissions essays from the Princeton Review. Everything I have read in that book and all of the essay examples from kids who were accepted at top-notch universities, point to the idea that your essay is dead-on. Tightening it up a bit will make it perfect.

Wishing you the best!


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