I am writing my community application essay that has to be at least 1 page and I really need all the help that I can get. The requirements are:
ˇ Tell us who you are, your family, your interests
ˇ What are your long-term goals, where do you see yourself in about 10 to 20 years?
ˇ How has your education so far prepared you for reaching your next goal?
ˇ How are you different from others in your class and what sets you apart?
ˇ What life experiences have you had that helped shaped you?
Any suggestions are appreciated.
Hello, my name is Briana Prince and I am an African American female who attends San Jacinto High School. I am a well-rounded student who is involved in school (academically and spiritually), sports, and in the community.
When it comes to school, I am always ready and prepared to learn. Because I have taken AP classes and college classes my grade point average is a 4.26. Being involved in my school is sometimes challenging yet exciting. I help with fundraisers, dances, pep-rallies, and other activities that go on at my school. I am also an athlete who plays basketball and track. I really enjoy playing these two sports because it has helped me learn teamwork and responsibility.
Helping in the community has helped shape who I am today. I have learned so much from helping out in the community that it has really made me a better person and it has made me realize how blessed I am. I am a very active person in my community. I help tutor friends and family members, I help with the astronomy group at the Elementary/middle School, I help put together blood drives and food drives, and I helped with the Relay For Life cancer campaign. Being involved in the community has helped shape who I am today and it is something that I really enjoy doing
I am different from the other students in my class because I have challenged myself to take AP classes, college classes, play sports, be in clubs, be in Associated Student Body, and be involved in my community all at once. Because I have done this, it definitely separates me from the other students and it has helped prepare me for reaching my next goal in life.
My long-term plans are to go to college and finish with at least my master's degree, live in California running my own business being a psychologist, and stay active in my community helping the homeless and different charities. I plan to make a difference in the lives of many people and if I get lucky I would like to make a difference in the world, so when I leave this earth my name remains alive for many years.
Uhh... First comment: It sounds very boring. Not saying that your achievements are bad, but I am saying that you are simply stating FACTS. I can find all of those information from your resume, why do I NEED you to narrate it? The point of essays is to present a side of you that is not objective. Show why, beyond the nunbers, beyond the activities, beyond the awards, show people who you are. I suggest reworking your entire essay to make it more personal. Diss the awards, drop the big names. Talk about yourself. Make people live in your shoes, lead them around your life, enlighten them to what it means to be you.
Good luck! ^_^
Helping in the community has helped
Can you write this in a different way so that you don't repeat that word "help"...?
I think the way you state several facts about yourself in the first paragraph is very plain. Think of a theme that can make that paragraph not-so-plain. Know what I mean? You can wait until you feel very creative, and come up with a rhythmic sentence that introduces you in a clever way. Can your self-description be a clever way of also describing something else that will be the theme for the essay? You can entertain the reader with an interesting way of talking about these things.
For example, think of what the reason might be for telling someone these things if you were not writing a college essay.
My long-term plans are to go to college and finish with at least my master's degree, live in California running my own business being a psychologist, and stay active in my community helping the homeless and different charities.--- if this is your plan, tell what schools of psych you prefer, what kinds of clients you might work with, and so forth. Let us see the details! :-)
