Helping elderly using new technologies. Statement of objective, MIT graduate school

Hi, I am revising my Statement of Objectives too many times. Could someone please give comments and advice?

Please explain why you are a good candidate for graduate school. You should describe why you wish to attend graduate school, what you would like to study, and any research experience you have. Describe one or more accomplishments you are particularly proud of that suggest that you will succeed in your chosen area of research.

Ever since my grandparents suffered from cardiovascular diseases, I always desired to explore new technologies to help the elderly. It is this certain responsibility which is driving me to conduct research in health sensing.I majored in Internet of Things with hope to study wireless network. After university graduation, I chose to do research in biomedical engineering. Thanks to my supervisor, I focused on the wearable physiological parameter monitoring study. It is the opportunity that leads to my realization that I wanted to have a similar role in the future.

For me, education is not about titles, credits or diplomas. It is more about expanding one's knowledge. Working in wearable computing for three years, I have to acknowledge that continuous education is a key factor towards gaining future success. My mindset has led me to high expectations for myself. Hence, I want to get the best education from the best schools in the world as well as to be in classes with some of the brightest minds in the world. In my opinion, there are not only possibilities to learn from the professors, but also from fellow students. It is therefore clear to me that PhD education has to be the next step on my career plan.

Given my educational background and academic experience in biomedical engineering, I can clearly identify my areas of interest: biomedical signal processing, wearable computing, machine learning and human-computer interaction application in clinical population. I cannot deny that I am excited at the thought of being involved in addressing the future need of human healthcare. This is why I consider the MIT with its Media Lab to be one of the best opportunities to further my education.

Thus far my academic career is marked by a focus on wearable computing and health sensing. During graduate study, my research concentrated on the wearable physiological monitoring system. In this system, my work mainly consists of three subtopics: false arrhythmia alarm reduction, cuff-less blood pressure estimation, and emotion recognition with physiological signals. My goal is to monitor heart rate, blood pressure and human emotions with a wrist watch continuously and noninvasively. This research paved way for my continuous study at a higher level.

During my projects in graduate research I explore intrinsically new mechanisms that monitor health metrics continuously and noninvasively. I am particularly proud that I mastered interdisciplinary knowledge and used a variety of research methods including field investigation at hospitals, data cleaning, signal processing, machine learning as well as statistical analysis to compress the research results into simple and clear statements with supporting numbers. During my internship at Microsoft, working in teams has shown me how much more a team can achieve in terms of creativity and solution bandwidth. In the international projects, the cultural diversity of the team brought this synergy to a whole new level and everyone in the team profited from a broadened view on the topics.

Coming from a country which has its strength in research I hope to be a good addition to MIT research teams and profit from the intercultural exchange. Furthermore China is stepping into the aging society, which gives me a good foundation in the area of wireless health sensing.

Zhang, the second paragraph that you have written can be omitted in my opinion. That is because it does not have a directly related discussion to the prompt requirements. It serves as nothing more than a page filler, which is unnecessary since you have more important and relevant discussions to present and improve upon in the essay. You can use the extra space and word count for those areas instead.

For example, you make numerous mentions of the research work that you did in various fields related to the Internet of Things. Yet, you never actually tell the reviewer the results of these research projects. You need to present the results in order to help prove that you have the ability to not only compete, but also succeed in the cut throat competition world of graduate school at MIT.

You seem to be equally proud of all the research you have done during your academic career. However, the essay would like you to highlight one or two of the most notable accomplishments that you have. I suggest that you choose your two most difficult but highly recognized research projects of yours. One that brought you to the attention of someone or caused your publication in a related journal. Something that tells the reviewer that you are up and coming talent in this field of yours.

So far, the essay only needs more topic development than actual editing. I would like you to consider opting for only one particular field of interest to present to the reviewer. Your choices are too broad at the moment and this could result in an unfocused career path for you. What you have to do at this point is try to narrow yourself down to only one field of specialized interest so that the reviewer can better analyze the relevance of your research projects and its results in relation to your chosen course of higher study.

Thank you very much for your comments. I revised my documents according to your suggestions.

First, I deleted the original second paragraph, added a sentence in the first paragraph indicating some academic publications, added another sentence in the third paragraph inicating some verified experiemnt results. Then as for the pride, I describes a research experience hoping to show my ability to finish graduate study in MIT. Third, I deleted some nouns and norrowed down my interest to wireless health sensing. The revised version is as follows.

Ever since my grandparents suffered from cardiovascular diseases, I always desired to explore new technologies to help the elderly. It is this certain responsibility which is driving me to conduct research in health sensing. I majored in ...

I am wondering if these modifications are suitable or enough. I highly appreciate any further advice. Thank you.

When you mention that your research findings were accepted by an international conference and later a journal, you need to cite the name of the conference and the date it took place as well as where. Then indicate the publication information of the journal where you were published because the reviewer will definitely want to verify those facts for accuracy. All of your information that relates to recognition and publication must be backed up by verifiable data for verification. As for your area of study, wouldn't it be simpler to just say that your interest is in wireless health sensing instead of mentioning all 3 involved aspects? That makes it sound like you still want to study three different MS classes in my opinion. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. Regarding the health monitor watch, you should add more information regarding the process of the research and the final result. That is what will prove that you are ready for the intricate world of grad school. It will show that you are capable of working on highly complex problems with minimal supervision. The total essay has improved in factual presentation. I hope that by doing some minor adjustments, we can further work on polishing it for final submission.

@Holt
Thanks a lot!

I am worried that MIT reviewers could not get the supporting data from the ResearchGate because I uploaded my paper to the ResearchGate in October, and there is no citation in such a short time. This paper hasn't been published, peers can only read my abstract. Information about the its popularity can be shown in a line graph that describes how many people read the abstract and require the full paper. However, the graph is only available in my account, and other people can't see it. Do you have any advice on how to express in Statement of Objective to cover the shortage?

I listed three research interest because the professor of MIT Media Lab that I want to study with does research in these aspects, and the listed technologies are all related to health sensing and will be used in further research. Do you still think it better to compress the interest into "wireless health sensing"?

For the research process and final results, I added information in the third paragraph.

Zhang, attach a copy of your abstract and line graph, as printed out from the website to your statement. Indicate that you have attached the pertinent data from its source in your essay for their verification. They might have a way of accessing research gate from their end that you do not know about. It is worth a short don't you think? I really believe that the information will increase your chances of admission greatly.

With regards to your area of interest, yes, you should only present one focal interest for your research. As for the other aspects related to this, you can mention that you wish to continue the research on Wireless Health Sensing in cooperation with the professor. Your reason being that the work of that professor on the 3 aspects (mention those at that point) ties in directly with the updated or increased research that you wish to undertake while at the university.

By offering the information in such a manner, you further strengthen your claims for the purpose of your higher study and your expected research results for practical application upon graduation.

@Holt
Sure, that is a great idea. I'll print the line graph and attach it. Besides topic development, is there any sentences that need editing and improvement?

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

Zhang, are you asking me about your grammar accuracy? If you are asking about that, then the answer is that the essay shows a higher grasp of the English language than the other essays here. The grammar is clear enough to get your message across to the reader and your vocabulary shows that you are very well adjusted to the use of professional terms in line with your field of study. There are some highly minor adjustments to the sentences in relation to sentence structure that could be addressed. You need not worry about those at this point though because you are still editing your essay. Once you have the essay in its final form, we can address these minor grammar revisions. Really, the grammar is not an issue at this moment because your essay has quite a strong message that uses advanced English language and sentence structure in your presentation. Any improvements can wait because your essay really works in its current form. It delivers on all necessary counts.

@Holt

In the forth paragraph, I added one sentence " up to 20 peers read my abstract within one month and required the full paper (the pertinent line graph from ResearchGate is attached) .", and attached a line graph at the end of the statement of Objective.

The research interest is presented as "wireless health sensing" only, as you suggested. And I decided to be focused, not mentioning other aspects.

The application deadline is 1st December. If there is no more information that needs to add, please kindly point out some misused grammar of the essay in the #5 MESSAGE.

How could I express my grateful feeling to you!

Hi Zhang, I did not find anything else that might require changing in the content so I decided to go ahead and make the notations regarding the grammar correction of your essay. Please find my suggested changes below:

... I HAVE always desired...
...certain responsibility which is driving THAT HAS DRIVEN me to conduct...
...Internet of Things with THE hope tostudy OF STUDYING THE wireless network.
...sensing with A focus on health... ...
Some MY RESEARCH results have been published...
... is the opportunity that leads LED to my realization...

...experiences tell TELLS me that continuous...
...to me that A PhD education ...
...next step on IN my career...
...the future need NEEDS of human...
... consider the MIT with its Media Lab...

...monitoring system SYSTEMS.
... ...my work mainly consists CONSISTED of...
...My goal is WAS to continuously...
... based on a wrist watch APP.
... Accuracy of the watch WATCH ACCURACY was tested on IN public ...
... Then the THE watch passed the realibility verification by OF the National...
...Practical application at THE China-Japan Friendship Hospital gave MY RESEARCH supporting feedback...

Among the MY experiences...
... largely improved THE accuracy...
.. Soon after I uploaded MY relevant findings...

...country which has THAT PRIDES ITSELF ON THE STRENGTH OF its strength in research SCIENTISTS AND ABILITIES,
... into the RESEARCH CONCERNING OUR GLOBALLY aging...
...opportunity TO EXCEL in the area ...

Best of luck to you and your application !

@Holt

Thank you so much! I really appreciate what you have done to help people improve essays and get admitted into dream schools. What a kind guy you are. All the best wishes for you.