It feels like I listed alot of contributions but I want to know if i can all tie this in with an accomplishment?
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
"Oh god!" I yelled out. "Someone get me bread and Gatorade quick! Someone call 911!"
Everyone at the party freaked. I looked down at Erik. He had consumed way too much alcohol and was severely dazed, throwing up. My friend handed me the bread and I insisted that he eat some of it. I grabbed a bottle of Gatorade and poured some into his mouth in order to detoxify his body. I looked outside and I could see the flashing blue and red lights. I could hear the sirens buzzing. Everyone helped carry Erik to the ambulance. He was so intoxicated that the paramedics had to use tube and pump out the alcohol. It was the scariest sight of my life, seeing my close friend having a close encounter with death.
I found Erik walking down Art Street a month later. I asked him if he was doing okay and he replied with a "Yeah." He put his arm around me and said "You know, I honestly don't remember but I heard from a few friends that you tried to save me by feeding me bread or something. I don't know if it did anything but I'm still alive. Thank you for being there." I smiled and said "No problem, that's what friends are for right?" He told me that ever since that incident he had quit drinking but in order to kick the habit, he replaced drinking with smoking cigarettes. Since summer vacation started he asked me if I could talk to Rita, the head of the Stonehurst Park Summer Camp and ask her if they had any volunteer openings.
Since I lived a drug and alcohol free life, I decided that I should help my friend to do the same. After talking to Rita I got her to accept Erik as a volunteer. Everyday during the weekdays I would offer him to do specific jobs and help partake in activities with the other campers. During my lunch break I would do my own intervention program in order to help him quit smoking and keep track of his progress. It was pretty much like rehab. Day after day I would continue this routine and by the end of the 1st month of summer Erik had told me that he started to see a lot of progress and he started to smoke a lot less. By the end of the 2nd month he had told me that he stopped smoking altogether. He was so ecstatic and I felt the biggest sense of accomplishment that day.
I knew that helping save Erik's life, offering him a job as a volunteer to escape his troubles and having daily communication with him was one of the best contributions I could ever make in order to help him live a healthier life. My accomplishment of helping him quit smoking reflected my ability to stay determined, persevere, and help a friend in need.
In my opinion this was a good essay, but (and I am not sure what the outlook on this is) do you want to tell an admissions office that you have been to parties where there is alcohol?
Maybe it is better not to "take the Lord's name in vain," because that is offensive to some people. Even if the reader is not spiritual, s/he may be put off by your disregard for, you know, people who might take offense. Just say some other thing that mans the same as "oh god."
This is great, and I like you as a person after reading it, and the narrative is told well -- like pages from a novel. I do think it's incomplete, though. With this kind of essay, I think it's important to have an intro and conclusion -- or at least a conclusion -- that talks about how this experience is related to your chosen major, your career hopes, etc.
I think of it like this: The essay is about the experience, but not really... it is really about "the person you are" and more specifically, the person they have to decide whether or not to accept into the school. So use this story as a way to PROVE that your nature is very good for the kind of work you want to be doing. When you have clear goals, it makes them want to accept you.
So... I think you should follow through with this, all the way to how it is sending you in the direction of achieving your dreams via this UC program ... even if you are not yet sure what you want to do.
Its a good essay, its well put and I finished reading it and it put a smile on my face. The only part I cringed about was the first paragraph when I read the word Party. I think you should find a way to tell this story without making the reader think your an alcoholic and attend parties. I feel like no matter how good the essay was, this could be a negative view from their eyes.
