Helping a Friend with Anorexia - UC Prompt #1/Cornell CALS Supplement

She was only 12 years old when her insecurities first began to show. However, it wasn't until she was 15 that her doubts exploded into anorexia. The monsters under her bed had crawled into her head, and they whispered toxic lies that struck her like daggers. As she fell deeper and deeper into darkness, she appeared more and more pale, tired, and defeated - becoming merely a skeleton of the bright girl she used to be. She became so weak that her voice shook whenever she spoke, as if saying one word could suck the life out of her. She showed me her stomach, peeling and red from all the times she had scratched at herself, in hopes that the infinitesimal bit of fat would somehow fall off. And although she always wore her fuzzy sweater and furry boots, she shivered even on the hottest summer days.

My best friend knew she was essentially killing herself, but through tears she begged me not to tell her parents. I was confused and lost, and so, like any typical teenager would do, I sought the internet for help. I read countless articles regarding calories, carbohydrates, fats, and so on. Finally after much debating and convincing, she agreed to attempt to follow an eating regime that I had created. Although she knew she needed to recover, her body would not cooperate, and she would often unintentionally vomit what little food she had consumed. We progressed slowly, taking as much time as she needed. I structured her diet to consist of only healthy foods, such as wheat bread and chicken salads, until she decided she was ready to approach her "fear foods". After nearly two years of relapses and panic attacks, she declared that she no longer wanted to avoid what used to be her favorite snacks - vanilla ice cream and chocolate chip cookies. Slowly but surely, she proudly conquered anorexia. Her cheeks once again bloomed into roses, and a sparkle found its way back into her eyes. No longer did she allow her illness to control her; rather, she took control of her illness.

While I obsessively researched food two years ago, not only did I help my friend, but I also discovered a passion for food science. Witnessing someone so close to me lose her basic human ability to eat made me realize how vastly food affects every aspect of our lives - from our physical abilities to our mental stability. This realization ignited my goal to change food's unhealthy aspects. Having a healthy diet can prevent hundreds of diseases and cure many others. Unfortunately, there is a general consensus that healthy food is synonymous with unappetizing food. I hope to change that prejudice by creating a variety of food that is not only easily accessible and mouthwatering, but also high in nutritional value and made with quality ingredients, so that people can be satisfied in every sense without feeling guilty. Food is meant to be enjoyed, but how can we fully enjoy it when we live in a society that perceives eating less as more? My dream is for people to be able to savor all kinds of food without having to worry about the consequences. I want to be a positive influence that promotes happy and healthy eating to society as a whole.

dumbnerd, I really hate calling you that. It sounds so disrespectful. Anyway, you need to supply the essay prompt for this so that we will know what direction the essay should be taking. It will also give us a clearer idea of what the expectations are in your responses. We will look for those points in the essay and show you where you can improve and what to change. In the meantime, I present to you a general essay review.

One major problem that I see with this paper is that we are learning too much about your friend and very little about you. From the very start, you should be discussing how you reacted to the news, how you tried to help and what the outcome of that help was. Do not concentrate on describing your friend too much. This essay is not about her. It is all about you and how you coped with the situation. Don't forget, you are the one applying for admission so the admission officer is definitely not interested in your friend. Revise the essay totally to center more on you and how you took the revelation of your friend and the reasons you decided to help her. Right now, this is all about your friend, which it should not be.

I may have additional comments and suggestions as to how this essay can be improved after you post the prompt for it. So I will reserve my other statements till after i have read it :-)

Here is the UC prompt: "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

and the Cornell supplement: "How have your interests and related experiences influenced the major you have selected in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences?"

Thank you so much for your feedback! I completely agree with you, but I just didn't really know how to focus it on myself I guess? I feel like I should give some sort of background story so should I just cut down on the details? Would I be perceived in a negative light if I didn't necessarily react in the most positive way at first? I don't think my initial reaction was very helpful.. I just remember feeling sad and worried but at the same time, I really didn't know what to do, it was almost like I tried to push the problem aside.. :(

You need to write two separate essays for each school. Do not try to pass off a generic essay for both. One or the other version will fall short of the requirements or over inform the admission officer by giving data that is not required or expected in the essay. Try to write two different versions of the essay, paraphrasing is acceptable in this instance because you need to submit a fresh essay each time you apply to a university.

Now about your current essay...

You should first mention how you developed your passion for the field you are applying to study. After you have successfully informed the admissions officer about how your interest developed and what you have done so far to learn about the field, you can then introduce the story of your friend's bout with anorexia and how you helped her. But don't get overly dramatic about it like you did in the first draft. Just go direct to the point, she told you, you were adverse to what you found out at first and then, this is where you begin to expand your statement again, you talk about how you helped her overcome her illness using the information that you learned. This will clearly depict the community that you come from and the kind of person / friend that you are. End the essay with a statement that reiterates your desire to further your knowledge in the field and how you hope to take what it is you learn from the university back to the community so that you can help the others who are suffering like your friend.

Try out these suggestions for your essay revision. We will help you edit it further as we go along :-) Good luck. Ask questions if you need to ;-)

Okay thank you so much!


I didn't really develop my passion until after the experience so would it be awkward to put this first? Or should I just mention it generally?

Also, should I specifically mention why I want to attend Cornell?

- Definitely talk about the passion that developed in you after the experience. It does not matter how long the passion or your interest has been shaping up as long as you can lay the foundation for its development. By showing a progression of interest, you will be able to depict yourself as a student who will go the full length of the course curriculum in order to graduate. Just remember to keep it related to your friend's anorexia experience.


- You can mention that in general terms. I believe that there is a specific essay in the application packet that asks you write either a statement or full page essay to that effect. Try to keep the supplemental essay simple and direct to the point. Why you chose to go to Cornell is not exactly important to the prompt provided.

Sorry for taking so long to reply! If you aren't busy could you look over my revised version? It's generally the same but I took out most of the details about my friend and added some more to the conclusion.

Overall, this is a very solid and excellent revision. There is just a portion that you need to separate as a new paragraph. I pointed that part out below.


- This should be a stand alone paragraph since it is the conclusion of your essay :-)

I agree with the previous commentators that the essay should focus more around you. Your revision definitely has brought it closer to that point, but I would even say start out with yourself rather than her - for example, combining details in the first paragraph with the beginning of the second paragraph.

My only other word of advice would be to work on the conclusion - it's fine as it is, but you could definitely spice it up more into something that will leave an impression on the reader's mind.

Thank you both so much! :)