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helping others and giving back to the community - UC Prompt 1


tammy_gu 1 / -  
Sep 24, 2010   #1
hey guys,
so i just began my uc essays after brainstorming for a while, and below is what i have so far for prompt #1

When I was ten years old, I dreamed of becoming either a professional basketball player in the WNBA or a professional table tennis player representing the United States at the Olympics and World Championships. Throughout the years, I have wanted to become either a stockbroker or economist, or a lawyer, a doctor, etc. But today, at the age of seventeen, if you ask me what I want to be when I grow up, what field I want to major in, the honest answer is, "I don't know."Through my experiences of giving back to society, all I know right now is that I want to lead a happy life while helping others in one way or another.

I love to smile. And I love to make others smile, which is why giving back to the community and helping others is so important to me. Not only has community service helped me learn many of life's lessons and a lot about myself as a person, but it has also given me the opportunity to help and have a positive impact on others or the environment in some way.

I was just wondering if the track im taking with this prompt is ok, and I was thinking of just talking about how I coached a 3rd and 4th grade girls snuffy basketball team and the time i coached younger kids at table tennis, but should i also mention other things like soup kitchens, beach cleanups, etc.?

Revisions, advice, constructive criticism, anything is welcome!
Thanks in advance!
Astraea7 4 / 10  
Sep 25, 2010   #2
You need examples! I can tell that you are an able writer, but you are lacking the proof of what you are saying. Add in your coaching experience because it's relevant to what you open with. I would actually put that in close to when you talk about how thats what you wanted to be when you were younger. When you move on to how giving back to the community is so important to you, thats where I would drop some of your other community service. But beware! this isn't about listing what you've done, it's about providing some insight into how your involvement has influenced YOU. Hope this helps!

-Mags
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Sep 28, 2010   #3
When I was ten years old, I dreamed of becoming either a professional basketball player in the WNBA or a professional table tennis player representing the United States at the Olympics and World Championships. Throughout the years, I have

You used the same sentence form 2 x in a row here at the start. Let's cut off the beginning fo the second sentence, like this:

Throughout the years, I have wanted to become either a stockbroker or economist, or a lawyer, a doctor, etc.--- that will vary the rhythm.

I think etc. is a weak term to use. "and so on" is better if that sort of device is necessary.

I love to smile. And I love to make others smile, which is why giving back to the community and helping others is so important to me. Replace this cheesy part with some discussion of a few fields you MIGHT go into. Know what I mean? Instead of acting like you really have no idea, tell us what the possibilities are. What are the three fields you are most likely to get into?

Not only has community service helped me--- maybe you should use the theme of service to explain your career ideas.

It's not impressive to just say you do not know. That is cool when you say it, but then show a few examples of possibilities. I hope this makes sense... :-)


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