Hi guys, I am applying for Undergraduate admissions in the US universities. I have written the following response for the Common Application writing portion. I showed it to a professional counselor and she said there are several grammatical errors and structural problems in the essay. She did not tell me what to change, hence I am uploading it here. Please read it and tell me what is wrong with it. I need it to be perfect for the most competitive schools like Harvard, Columbia, NYU, Stanford etc. My future hangs on this essay. Thanks in advance.
Question: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Response:
It has been rightly said that some events in life have such powerful and indelible effects that they transform the personality of the individual for positive or for negative. One such incident happened in my life when my father decided to invest all of our savings in a business and lost it.
It was 2011, I was in Grade 10 and about to start my college. My father knew that this would mean an increase in my educational expenses. My sister had also started High School. This made my father to take steps to increase the family income. So he invested in one of my uncle's business. But owing to my uncle's selfishness and my father's inexperience in the business world, the venture failed terribly. This changed everything for us. My parents were forced to ask for help from our relatives in order to keep the house running. My father started a part-time job at a call center. But we were unable to have our both ends meet. My parents realized that they can either support my education or my sister's. Being the eldest among my siblings, I thought that I cannot be the reason my siblings are denied education so I told my parents that they should not worry about my expenses.
When I started education in Government College University, my High School paid a portion of my tuition as a cash prize for securing admission. This helped me for a while but I had to find a permanent solution. Therefore, I started teaching students of grades 7-10 at home and earned enough money to cover both my educational expenses and contribute towards my family's income. By the time I graduated from GCU, my father finally got a job in UAE that paid him enough to support our family.
This was a difficult time for me as I was spending a major portion of my day teaching students. It affected my studies and grades and I had very little time to focus on extracurricular activities or sports. But just like every cloud has a silver lining, there were many positive changes that came to my life as a result of this financial turmoil. It changed my perception of reality and this world. My problem solving and critical thinking improved a great deal and I learned the essence of leadership and the courage to face the world. Juggling between my studies and teaching taught me time management. My decision making power became stronger which further strengthened my determination and perseverance. As a result, it enabled me to keep moving forward and succeed.
"The best place to find the helping hand is at the end of your arm." This quote has been my source of inspiration throughout my life and it has helped me every time I faced an obstacle. It taught me that I cannot rely on someone else to solve my problems. When I started teaching students, it seemed impossible to manage. But I remained consistent in my struggle and depended on my own wit to handle this difficult situation. And in doing so, I miraculously found the will within me to overcome the hurdles and I realized that God helps those who help themselves. Moreover, becoming a teacher instilled a sense of achievement and satisfaction in me as I knew that I was not only helping other students with their studies but also empowering them to trust their own abilities. I was able to share my experience with my students and in turn, I received their feedback which added to my knowledge. I believe that knowledge is not just acquired through books but it is also shared through practical experiences. Although this event was a negative one but it marked my transition into a successful adulthood and it equipped me with the skills and practical knowledge needed to be a refined individual and a fruitful member of society.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Saad, for starters, you cannot start sentences with the word "And". The word "And" is a conjunction which usually signifies a connecting word. While there is not hard set grammar rule that says you cannot and should not start sentences with connecting words, it has become a matter of writing style and tradition that prevents us from starting sentences with conjunctions. It just makes the sentence sound like it is starting from the middle instead of an actual beginning.
Content-wise, your essay lacks only one important factor in order to be considered prompt adherent. We need to read about how your parents reacted to your becoming fiscally responsible for your education. Was this something that was met with apprehension? Or were they supportive all the way? Since this is an event that marked your transition to adulthood, the reviewer needs to get a better idea regarding how you were accepted by your parents as an equal in terms of earning capacity and taking control of a portion of your life. That is the best way to show that your transition to adulthood was well received by your parents.
I would not worry about the grammatical errors. Keep the essay written that way. This essay serves as your preliminary interview. So the reviewer should know that your English is not as perfect as it can be. That is because your actual interview might soon follow so your English speaking abilities need to reflect your written abilities. Aside from these observations, I believe that your essay is well developed, written, and should be highly beneficial to your college application.
@Holt
Thanks for all the suggestions. Here is the revised version of this essay. Please give it a read.
It has been rightly said that some events in life have such powerful and indelible effects that they transform the personality of the individual for positive or for negative. One such incident happened in my life when my father decided to invest all of our savings in a business and lost it.
I was about to start Grade 11 at Government College University. My sister had also started High School when the business venture failed terribly. This changed everything for us. My parents were forced to ask for help from our relatives in order to keep the house running. My father started a part-time job at a call center. Soon my parents realized that they can either support my education or my sister's. At that point, I felt as if I was caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Being the eldest among my siblings, I thought that I could not be the reason my siblings were denied education so I told my parents that they should not worry about my expenses.
My decision to become financially independent was supported by my parents provided my studies and grades did not suffer. I started teaching students of grades 7-10 at home and fortunately earned enough money to cover both my educational expenses and contribute towards my family's income. It made me believe that God helps those who help themselves. By the time I graduated from GCU, my father finally got a job in UAE that paid him enough to support our family.
Time was testing for me before graduation as I was spending a major portion of my day teaching students. Consequently, it affected my studies and grades. In addition, I had very little time to focus on extracurricular activities or sports. Just like every cloud has a silver lining, there were many positive changes that came into my life because of this financial turmoil. I learned that we cannot change the contents of our lives but we can change the context of our lives. It changed my perception of reality and this world. My problem solving and critical thinking improved a great deal which allowed me to maintain my grades in exams. I learned the essence of leadership and the courage to face the world because I was on the forefront to alleviate my sufferings. Juggling between my studies and teaching taught me time management. My decision making power became stronger when I took the extraordinary step to continue my academic career along with earning money which further strengthened my determination and perseverance. As a result, it enabled me to keep moving forward and succeed both in academics and extracurricular endeavors.
"The best place to find the helping hand is at the end of your arm." This quote has been my source of inspiration throughout my life and it has helped me every time I faced an obstacle. It taught me that I could not depend on someone else to solve my problems. Relying on my own capabilities by teaching students to come out of the financial crunch gave me a lot of confidence. Moreover, being a teacher instilled a sense of achievement and satisfaction in me as I knew that I was not only helping other students with their studies but also empowering them to trust their own abilities. It happened whenever a student achieved good marks in exams or grasped a complicated concept of science. I was able to share my experience with the students. In turn, I received their feedback which added to my knowledge.
I believe that knowledge is not just acquired through books but it is also shared through practical experiences. Although this event was a negative one but it marked my transition into a successful adulthood and it equipped me with the skills and practical knowledge needed to become a refined individual and a fruitful member of society.
@Holt
I also need a little help with this essay too. It is a supplementary essay for University of Chicago with a topic: What Makes You Happy?
This is what I come up with. Please check it for any mistakes in its structure or usage. Moreover, if I compare it with with the previous one, The Helping Hand one, which one is more better? I mean if some university asks me to submit only one essay of my choice, in your opinion, should I submit the Magic one or the other?
Thanks in advance.
One essay at one time please
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780 Saad, the essay about the transition to adulthood works well at this point. Go ahead and use that already. There is nothing else to be done in terms of content for the essay. You did a very good job on the revision. As for the second essay, my apologies but I cannot give you advice regarding that prompt essay in this thread. The forum strictly implements a one essay per thread policy so I cannot respond to that essay here. You will have to post it as a separate , new thread in the forum. The admin will delete the second essay post once the system informs them about it. So it would be best if you just post a new essay thread where I can respond to you without being concerned that the essay and my advice to you will be deleted.
