Hi guys, I am applying for Undergraduate admissions in the US universities. I have written the following response for the Common Application writing portion. I showed it to a professional counselor and she said there are several grammatical errors and structural problems in the essay. She did not tell me what to change, hence I am uploading it here. Please read it and tell me what is wrong with it. I need it to be perfect for the most competitive schools like Harvard, Columbia, NYU, Stanford etc. My future hangs on this essay. Thanks in advance.
Question: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Response:
It has been rightly said that some events in life have such powerful and indelible effects that they transform the personality of the individual for positive or for negative. One such incident happened in my life when my father decided to invest all of our savings in a business and lost it.
It was 2011, I was in Grade 10 and about to start my college. My father knew that this would mean an increase in my educational expenses. My sister had also started High School. This made my father to take steps to increase the family income. So he invested in one of my uncle's business. But owing to my uncle's selfishness and my father's inexperience in the business world, the venture failed terribly. This changed everything for us. My parents were forced to ask for help from our relatives in order to keep the house running. My father started a part-time job at a call center. But we were unable to have our both ends meet. My parents realized that they can either support my education or my sister's. Being the eldest among my siblings, I thought that I cannot be the reason my siblings are denied education so I told my parents that they should not worry about my expenses.
When I started education in Government College University, my High School paid a portion of my tuition as a cash prize for securing admission. This helped me for a while but I had to find a permanent solution. Therefore, I started teaching students of grades 7-10 at home and earned enough money to cover both my educational expenses and contribute towards my family's income. By the time I graduated from GCU, my father finally got a job in UAE that paid him enough to support our family.
This was a difficult time for me as I was spending a major portion of my day teaching students. It affected my studies and grades and I had very little time to focus on extracurricular activities or sports. But just like every cloud has a silver lining, there were many positive changes that came to my life as a result of this financial turmoil. It changed my perception of reality and this world. My problem solving and critical thinking improved a great deal and I learned the essence of leadership and the courage to face the world. Juggling between my studies and teaching taught me time management. My decision making power became stronger which further strengthened my determination and perseverance. As a result, it enabled me to keep moving forward and succeed.
"The best place to find the helping hand is at the end of your arm." This quote has been my source of inspiration throughout my life and it has helped me every time I faced an obstacle. It taught me that I cannot rely on someone else to solve my problems. When I started teaching students, it seemed impossible to manage. But I remained consistent in my struggle and depended on my own wit to handle this difficult situation. And in doing so, I miraculously found the will within me to overcome the hurdles and I realized that God helps those who help themselves. Moreover, becoming a teacher instilled a sense of achievement and satisfaction in me as I knew that I was not only helping other students with their studies but also empowering them to trust their own abilities. I was able to share my experience with my students and in turn, I received their feedback which added to my knowledge. I believe that knowledge is not just acquired through books but it is also shared through practical experiences. Although this event was a negative one but it marked my transition into a successful adulthood and it equipped me with the skills and practical knowledge needed to be a refined individual and a fruitful member of society.
Question: Discuss an accomplishment or event, formal or informal, that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood within your culture, community, or family.
Response:
It has been rightly said that some events in life have such powerful and indelible effects that they transform the personality of the individual for positive or for negative. One such incident happened in my life when my father decided to invest all of our savings in a business and lost it.
It was 2011, I was in Grade 10 and about to start my college. My father knew that this would mean an increase in my educational expenses. My sister had also started High School. This made my father to take steps to increase the family income. So he invested in one of my uncle's business. But owing to my uncle's selfishness and my father's inexperience in the business world, the venture failed terribly. This changed everything for us. My parents were forced to ask for help from our relatives in order to keep the house running. My father started a part-time job at a call center. But we were unable to have our both ends meet. My parents realized that they can either support my education or my sister's. Being the eldest among my siblings, I thought that I cannot be the reason my siblings are denied education so I told my parents that they should not worry about my expenses.
When I started education in Government College University, my High School paid a portion of my tuition as a cash prize for securing admission. This helped me for a while but I had to find a permanent solution. Therefore, I started teaching students of grades 7-10 at home and earned enough money to cover both my educational expenses and contribute towards my family's income. By the time I graduated from GCU, my father finally got a job in UAE that paid him enough to support our family.
This was a difficult time for me as I was spending a major portion of my day teaching students. It affected my studies and grades and I had very little time to focus on extracurricular activities or sports. But just like every cloud has a silver lining, there were many positive changes that came to my life as a result of this financial turmoil. It changed my perception of reality and this world. My problem solving and critical thinking improved a great deal and I learned the essence of leadership and the courage to face the world. Juggling between my studies and teaching taught me time management. My decision making power became stronger which further strengthened my determination and perseverance. As a result, it enabled me to keep moving forward and succeed.
"The best place to find the helping hand is at the end of your arm." This quote has been my source of inspiration throughout my life and it has helped me every time I faced an obstacle. It taught me that I cannot rely on someone else to solve my problems. When I started teaching students, it seemed impossible to manage. But I remained consistent in my struggle and depended on my own wit to handle this difficult situation. And in doing so, I miraculously found the will within me to overcome the hurdles and I realized that God helps those who help themselves. Moreover, becoming a teacher instilled a sense of achievement and satisfaction in me as I knew that I was not only helping other students with their studies but also empowering them to trust their own abilities. I was able to share my experience with my students and in turn, I received their feedback which added to my knowledge. I believe that knowledge is not just acquired through books but it is also shared through practical experiences. Although this event was a negative one but it marked my transition into a successful adulthood and it equipped me with the skills and practical knowledge needed to be a refined individual and a fruitful member of society.
