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'helping out my parents' - UC Prompt 2: Talent, Personal quality


mshalavadi 2 / 4  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
Prompt 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Having a brother who has attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has helped me gain a different understanding and perspective in my life. My parents, in addition to being full time employees, also have to put in a number of late hours; I have to take care of my brother for most of the day. It was difficult to care for my brother console him when he was in an angry state of mind, when he was aggressive and I was his frequent target of aggression. If he does not get what he wants he gets into a fit and it is a challenge. He drifts off into playing games or watching television and loses concentration. Even though he is cranky, stubborn, impatient, and belligerent bringing him under control requires me to be patient with him, to communicate with him by listening, even when I do not feel like it, to understand his condition, and to help him deal with problems at school. To understand his behavior took a lot on my part, where I had to examine how his environment affected his behavior. Reinforcing him by praising him for his for good behavior and reminding him gently of his mistakes gives him an opportunity to make it right, before I automatically jump to conclusions and consequences.Managing my school work while trying to care for him became a task where I had to give up some of my personal interests in order to shape my brother where he can sustain his grades in school so he can obtain the skills before I go to college next year.

Even with medication, concentration is hard for him and I have to monitor him constantly. My patience, dedication, and compassionateness makes me proud of the fact that I can help out my parents by dealing with difficult circumstances, in which I would not be able to cope with outside my house. As I face different challenges day to day I also find my personal weaknesses to improve my character. Where for some babysitting comes as a chore, for me taking care of my brother helps me define who I am.

As children grow up to be teenagers they have changing attitudes about school, homework and their other responsibilities. In addition to my brother being a teenager, his problem with his deficient behavior has impacted my character. I bring joy wherever I go where I simply strive to be myself. Helping him has brought out my character in the community as well where I volunteer with patients at the Huntington Hospital and with children at the public library with activities, such as arts and crafts and reading stories to them. As I continue to grow, I will always have a desire to help others. I hope to influence a newer younger generation to cherish their surroundings and help others in need of help. Entering in a University of California would be the first step in fulfilling my desire.

(Working with kids stirred up my thoughts where I was able to understand human nature, to help and care for others. Some of the experiences I had been through helped me evolve ) I have this but I'm not sure where to include it and how to end it

Please edit the first draft of my UC prompt #2. Any grammar mistakes, organization, structure, ideas would be greatly appreciated! Be honest!

Thanks
SmH 2 / 6  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
compassionateness this is not a word!! use "compassion" instead
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #3
Even though he is cranky, stubborn, impatient, and belligerent, bringing him under control requires...

think you can get rid of a lot of the detail about his behavior... everyone knows the circumstances of ADHD. Instead of those details, use this opportunity to demonstrate your emotional intelligence and clarity of mind. The trick is to write this essay about a person who is resolute, focused, and ready for college... and you USE the anecdote about your brother to support that notion.
twchan 3 / 16  
Nov 19, 2009   #4
full-time employees

My parents, in addition to being full time employees, also have to put in a number of late hours; I have to take care of my brother for most of the day.<----- This sentence doesn't flow, try to rephrase it

he was in an angry state of mind, when he was aggressive <--- redone/repetition?

If he does not get what he wants he gets into a fit and it is a challenge. <---- wordy?

For some of the long sentences, try to shorten it because they are kinda wordy and that makes them confusing.


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