I'm a student from Hong Kong and this is my first essay here. Please give me some comments. Thanks.
Topic:
Your school has decided to take part in a voluntary work project in one of two major areas: helping either poor elderly or primary schoolchildren newly arrived from the mainland. Your class teacher is collecting opinions from the class in the form of essays written by the students. Write your own essay, your personal preference and stating at least three reasons to support your choice.
My answer:
Help the Newcomers to Feel they Belong
Hong Kong is becoming a popular place for mainlanders to settle down. They bring along their wealth, techniques, aspiration, as well as- their children. These children, especially the primary school ones may ecounter huge difficulties in handling an entirely new environment. That is why the voluntary work project at school should work on helping these newly arrived primary school children to adapt to the environment, making them to feel they belong.
A different dialect used in Hong Kong can be a linguistic barrier. If primary schoolchildren could not speak more than a handful of Cantonese, they may find it hard to communicate with other kids at school. Naturally, they will try not to socialize and become isolated. So, we need volunteers to help them with this language problem by teaching them Cantonese, hoping that they will be brave in making new friends and be able to get along with their classmates. This can bridge the gap between the newly arrived and the local kids.
Newly arrived primary schoolchildren may find the study mode entirely different from their old schools. Schools in the mainland of China only teach Chinese in primary education and at most some basics of English language. To be biliteral and trilingual, however, is a major feature in education system in Hong Kong. Besides having the adequacy in Chinese, students also hae to be exposed to English language even in primary schools. In some English medium school, even all classes except Chinese are conducted in English. Newly arrived schoolchildren have to face a sudden increase in the usage of english as they used to be. They, especially the primary ones, may find it hard to catch up english school work because the english level is more advanced too. Primary schoolchildren are especially more stressed with this problem as their english abilty is even lower. This may hurt their self-esteem if they are lacking behind. To deal with this situation, volunteers can help by instructing them and give them guidance, helping them to become confident.
Being a new kid in this city, one may have no friends to play with, no place to go to, and simply nothing to do during his or her pastime. After all, parents may not know what they can do with their children. This often result in children staying home alone. This can hinder the development of children, making them more autistic. Therefore, volunteers are needed to bring families around and get to know about the community. Volunteers can bring families to community centres, or hold different functions, inviting these new kids to play games, to meet different people, to make friends and most importantly make them feel they belong.
Comparing to adults, secondary school students like us are more keen in communicating with primary schoolchildren because we have a narrower age gap. As young volunteers, it may be easier to understand these children and to know their needs. A firm relationship based on trust can be built between volunteers and children. Children may treat the young volunteers as brothers and sisters. With supports and care from volunteers, these children can adapt to the new environments easier.
Even a grown-up finds it hard to adjust to a new living environment, not to mention kids. Therefore, we should try our hardest to help them overcome difficulties and make them feel belong.
Aren`t you supposed to give an opinion regarding the topic, instead of suggesting methods to deal with one of the choices? You have stated your opinion in the introduction paragraph - That is why the voluntary work project at school should work on helping these newly arrived primary school children to adapt to the environment, making them to feel they belong. , but you don`t have any arguments in defense of that thesis. You have a good writing style, and the only hinder is that you have not addressed the topic. It is considered a general shortcoming (at least in the books I am reading).
Read it again: Write your own essay, your personal preference and stating at least three reasons to support your choice .
In my view, you have provided ways of managing particular problems, not support to your opinion. A good example would be as follows:
I believe that we should put more efforts towards integrating children from the rural areas, because at the end of it all they are our future and so and so
That is why the voluntary work project at school should focus on helping these newly arrived primary school children to adapt to the environment, making them feel that they belong.
A different dialect used in Hong Kong can be a linguistic barrier. If primary schoolchildren could not speak more than a handful of Cantonese words, they may...
Don't forget to capitalize the word English.
This... results...
This often results in children staying ...
In this case, use "compared"
Comparing Compared to adults, secondary school students like us are ...
A noun can be easier, but a verb has to be "easily."
... can adapt to the new environments more easily.
Great job, your errors are small ones, and in general the writing is very good.
:-)
