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'HERO, A.D.A.P.T. and the Asian Club..' - UT Austin- Important issue (diversity)


xjba165 2 / 2  
Jan 15, 2009   #1
Diversity. It is a seemingly simple term used quite colloquially in speech and is constantly said as we move into an era of change, progress and initiative. But this 'simple term' is much more than nine simple letters; it is a mix of a variety of thoughts, perspectives and backgrounds in order to coexist with one another. Having attended a high school of 3,000 students, I have grown accustomed to meeting people from far different backgrounds and walks of life than my own. Over the last four years, I have befriended some of these individuals, learning that it is what makes us different that brings us together. All this time, I took this observation for granted, never really giving it an inkling of thought, until some recent experiences shed some light. Since then, I have realized not to simply accept the status quo, but to assess and explore the reasoning behind a cause. As I make the transition to becoming a college student, I have a keen interest in understanding the dynamics of an issue so that I can develop into a well-rounded individual.

This last summer, I thought the cruise I was about to step onto was going to be an ordinary vacation. In retrospect, however, labeling it ordinary was an error in judgment for many reasons. Most importantly, this trip consisted of nearly fifty members of my extended family, allowing me to meet and spend time with cousins, aunts and uncles that I had not seen in years. I quickly noticed that although we all belonged to the same family, many of us were actually not as similar as I thought we would be. The most striking gap was between generations, a divide that became increasingly evident. Far too often, light chat grew into spirited debates, which saw a vociferous exchange of strong opinions. In fact, our beliefs and perspectives of right and wrong were as different as day and night. Despite this dichotomy, I was not at all disappointed or discouraged from voicing my own opinions. Instead, these conversations encouraged compromise and conciliation as we willingly embraced our differences in order to appreciate each other's viewpoints. Whether it was due to chance or by design, the opportunities to pick the brains of my elders demonstrated the importance of seeing both sides of an issue.

Through my time spent as an active member and leader of community service and volunteer organizations such as HERO, A.D.A.P.T. and the Asian Club, I have been involved in an assortment of student-led philanthropic endeavors. I have seen how these clubs and interests groups serve as a forum to bring together students for a unifying cause. For instance, within the Adolescent Drug and Alcohol Prevention Team, I have been at the forefront of organizing events that aim to spread awareness of ways to prevent the abuse of illegal substances. My participation in these extracurricular organizations underscores my ability to listen as well as learn. Anyone can take part in a fundraiser, but it takes an even stronger desire to be willing to understand a divergent perspective. Rather than shying away from those types of situations, I welcome them with open arms because I know how to foster the beneficial exchange of ideas. Four years later and I do indeed feel four years wiser as my high school experiences have enabled me to take on challenges that have demanded moving beyond my comfort zone and becoming a selfless person.

When I consider what it means to be diverse, it helps to refer to the character and actions of the mythological Greek war hero, Odysseus. The restless and noble King felt his travels impacted him in ways he could never have fathomed. Every person he met, every fight he participated in, every challenge he lost, contributed to the person he had become. It is with that backdrop in mind that leads me to believe that we are similarly constructed ï a cumulative summation of our experiences and interaction as well as our successes and failures. Yet, if we choose to remain stationary, we no longer contribute or add value to ourselves. By taking on vast journeys, Odysseus not only broke through the barriers holding him back, but he also gained invaluable insights that expanded his horizons. Likewise, the desire to be diverse emboldens us to become a part of something bigger than ourselves. Through a demanding college curriculum, full of novel experiences and rewarding challenges, the opportunity to build character and expand my outlook will exist, leading me to become a better-rounded individual.

Thanks :)
ducphan 2 / 4  
Jan 16, 2009   #2
Hi there,
Interesting personal statement.:)
I think these sentences are awkward and need to be revised:
Having attended a high school of 3,000 students, I have grown accustomed to meeting people from far different backgrounds and walks of life than my own.

As I make the transition to becoming a college student, I have a keen interest in understanding the dynamics of an issue so that I can develop into a well-rounded individual.

since every word in personal statement is valuable, I think you should make these sentences straight forward or they will become wordy.

----------------------------------------------------------
Through my time spent as an active member and leader of community service and volunteer organizations such as HERO, A.D.A.P.T. and the Asian Club, I have been involved in an assortment of student-led philanthropic endeavors. [...] For instance, within the Adolescent Drug and Alcohol Prevention Team, I have been at the forefront of organizing events that aim to spread awareness of ways to prevent the abuse of illegal substances.

Rewrite it as Adolescent Drug and Alcohol Prevention Team (A.D.A.P.T), then the following sentence, you can use the abbreviation.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 16, 2009   #3
Some thoughts on your essay:

"Over the last four years, I have befriended some of these individuals, learning that it is what makes us different that brings us together." You might want to elaborate on this a little bit, possibly by giving specific examples to demonstrate the truth of the statement. It is absolutely not self-evidently true.

"Instead, these conversations encouraged compromise and conciliation as we willingly embraced our differences in order to appreciate each other's viewpoints" You might also want to give a specific example or two for this, too, though it isn't as important that you do so here as it is for the above statement.

Your third paragraph seems a bit off-topic, notwithstanding your mention of "divergent opinions." Perhaps you could omit it to make room for the examples suggested above?

Your last paragraph doesn't necessarily work that well as a paean to diversity, per se. Experience, certainly, but not diversity: Odysseus essentially went over to Troy to slaughter people from a different tribe, and then met a variety of diverse monsters that he either killed or narrowly escaped from. This certainly shaped who he was, but the violence against most that he met doesn't exactly seem to make him a champion of diversity.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jan 16, 2009   #4
When I consider what it means to embrace diversity , it helps to refer...

Oh, I agree with Sean about his comments... and actually I could see this essay working well if you omit the second paragraph instead... the third paragraph explains experiences that have broadened your perspective, but the second one, about the cruise last summer, could be cut out of the essay in order to make it more focused, I think.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jan 17, 2009   #5
After reading Kevin's comments, I'm beginning to conclude that you probably need to rethink most of the essay, because he's right that you could cut the second paragraph and expand on the third rather than doing it the other way around if you wanted to. The very fact that you could get rid of any given paragraph without weakening the essay shows how much it lacks coherence. Try starting over, but this time, in your very first paragraph, define what you mean by diversity. Defining key terms in the intro is a great way to add focus to your work. In this case, are you looking at diversity in terms of ethnicity? class? personal background? political thought? Once you've decide which sort(s) of diversity you want to work with, you can state what specific advantages you think having that diversity brings to an individual/institution. Then you can relate back elements of your own experiences that demonstrate these advantages.


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