This is my common app essay. It is pretty long, 1004 words. I need help with condensing it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!!!!!
Prompt: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
Pura Vida
My hero is no James Bond. He stands only 4 feet 7 inches tall, has a missing tooth, and a smile that extends far beyond the outer creases of his eyes. He likes to color pictures of dragons and brave knights instead of wrapping his head around algebra. I will probably never see my hero again, I don't even remember his name, but the impact he made on my life is indescribable. There was nothing special about him; he was a ten year old boy, attending school.
The school was Escuela El Dos in San Ramon, Costa Rica. I was in tenth grade biology, on a one-week trip, learning about biodiversity. There was a lot to learn about the environment of Costa Rica but to truly get a sense of the real Costa Rica, I needed to venture beyond the tourist attractions. San Ramon is an impoverished area, where most people work as farmers, and education is sparse. When I signed up for the trip, I was told to bring school supplies and children's shoes because we would be visiting a school that needed these items. At the time, I thought the shoes were a strange request from a school. Schools in Houston certainly do not list shoes on their supply lists.
We arrived at the school early in the morning; it was raining. I looked down; I saw my shoes being devoured by this murky brown substance. I was disgusted, I wanted to jump back on the bus and go back to the hotel instead of going inside this little shack. Then, I realized that the building in front of me with a red tin roof and bar covered windows, was a school. Twenty children jumped around and waving from the small covered porch. They ran towards us, a little boy grabbed my hand. He was smaller than most of the other boys. He said, "Hola!" I replied, "Buenos Dias!" I do not speak Spanish, but I tried to communicate with what minimal Spanish I had. All the children gathered around my class and music began to play from a small boom box, they started dancing. The little boy that grabbed my hand caught my attention; I noticed his shoes. They were bulky and too big for his tiny dancing feet. They were covered in layers of the same oozing mud that I was so disgusted by; his face showed no sign of repugnance. He seemed as happy as any child I ever knew.
I learned that most of these children lived in horrid conditions, owned a single pair of shoes, and possessed little means to entertain themselves besides attending school. "They have one pair of shoes?" I thought to myself. I have at least thirty pairs. I looked at this boy and wondered how many siblings he had, if he had enough food for his growing body. How could such a little thing faced with so many challenges be smiling like this? He showed me around the meager schoolhouse. He led me to the lunchroom, there was a fantastic array fruit out for us to eat, I muttered "Gracias!" He responded, "Pura Vida!" "Pura Vida" translates to "Pure Life". I noticed the pride in his voice when he spoke his country's motto. I understood what it meant. "Pura Vida" means that it doesn't matter how many shoes you have or if it's raining, life is for smiling, dancing, and happiness. The little boy's financial hardships don't stop him from living life to the fullest.
That vivacious little boy is the embodiment of "Pura Vida". The hardships of his life didn't matter, his eternal smile and overflowing heart shown true happiness. He was loved the life he was given. After the trip to Escuela El Dos, I realized that I should not let little things bring me down. Sophomore year, I received grades that didn't meet my standards because of the difficulty adjusting to the AP course load. I laid in my bed, remembering the beaming smile that lit up "Pura Vida's" face. It reminded me that there was nothing I could do to change the past year. I would work harder my junior and senior years and raise my grades; "Pura Vida" instilled his country's philosophy in me. I will overcome challenges with a smile that extends far beyond the outer creases of my eyes just as "Pura Vida" did.
I really liked it, reading it brought a smile to my face hehe :) I can't think of any criticism personally but maybe someone else will. Good job!
I do agree with the above commenter; you're a good writer and it your essay flows nicely. But you're right, 1004 words is too long; the general "rule" for common app is somewhere between 500 and 800 words. That being said...I'm not sure where you should cut. Definitely keep the last paragraph; if you can find a way to cut down on the narrative, that'd be the best way to go. Also, regarding the last paragraph, I understand where you're coming from w/ the connection to your slip in grades, but after reading about the little boy's struggles, your "personal standard of excellence" seem almost...petty? Of course I know that's not the case, trust me I can relate, but you may want to word it a bit differently. Maybe talk more about the struggle itself instead of the grades?
ya. i definitely understand what you mean about the petty grades. I dont know how to incorporate it the struggle better without adding more words...hhmmm...
This is a great essay, I really like it!! It's very descriptive and the first paragraph introduces the essay very nicely. I like how personal the essay is too.
Maybe you could try condensing some of your sentences that are more wordy. Try to use less words in these sentences and this will keep the readers' interest better as well as lower the total word count.
As for you grades sounding petty, you might just want to acknowledge in the essay how your problem of poorer grades seemed petty in comparison to "Pure Vida's" problems, but that grades and school were very important to you and something you had worked hard to excel at over the years. Continue on with writing about your frustration, then your realization after the trip that the past is over, etc.
Just some suggestions, I hope this helps!! Good luck!!!
Nice prose, but some thematic problems:
The fact that "He was enjoying the life he was given" doesn't mean that "there was nothing I could do to change the past year". Think about it this way: You said that the child was happy because he doesn't think that his life sucks. But you are NOT HAPPY because you screwed up your grades. These are two completely different things and cannot be used as analogies.
I understand that you want to talk about how past doesn't change the future, but the analogy to the boy doesn't truly support your point.
My suggestion is that you take out the example of your grades, and instead talk about more emotionally significant struggles, then wrap up reflecting on how that experience showed you that no matter what problems you have, as long as you keep an optimistic heart and a "Pura Vida"
Condensing? It's pretty easy. Second paragraph contains largely unnecessary details about the 99cents shoes and stuff. Just keep the place and some of the background info.
Third and fourth paragraphs could be made into one. Is your focus on the event? or the circumstances of these kids? I take it that you should emphasize more on the circumstances of these kids, and yet they are still happy.
Add a fourth paragraph describing some of the things YOU went through and how this person changed you.
Final paragraph: Cut everything you have about your grades.
Hope that helps.
great job, for the pura vida essay. if you want to cut, i think the best place would be in the second paragraph. but still, i'd say 1000 words could be okay, it all depends on the college. i've heard people who are accepted to uchicago w 1000 word ps
Excellent essay topic!! I love Costa Rica and their way of living and life motto. It is really a beautiful place.
On to your essay, well I edited and was able to get it to 732 words, I'm sure more cutting could be done and still get the message across. You writing is good but needs much work, you need to learn to use the passive voice, you writing should sound like your talking or telling a story.
"That same little boy who grabbed my hand as I was getting off the bus captured my attention again. I looked at his shoes. "
Read that sentence out loud, can honestly say that is how you would speak if you were telling this story in an admission interview?
Writing well isn't about using as many big words as you can or sounding extremely formal, which is what you do in this essay. It is okay to be descriptive but don't be overly descriptive, if it doesn't add to the story then leave it out. Look up and utilize writing with the ACTIVE VOICE.
