Heterogeneous population, areas of study, location- appealing about Columbia?

I am having trouble revising this essay. I have been reading other essays on this website and have been blown away. My essay feels mediocre compared to what I have read. Please help me as much as possible.

As a senior in high school, it is my job to compose a list of colleges that are most alluring to me. After analyzing all facets of Columbia College, I became engrossed with attending a school that offered an amalgamation of precisely everything I was looking for; an exposure to a heterogeneous population, various areas of study, an outstanding location in the epicenter of such a miraculous city, and an abundance of eminent instructors whom have had practical experience outside of the classroom. I am ecstatic to know that I may have the privilege of following in the footsteps of such acclaimed alumni, who have went on to acquire Nobel Prizes, Pulitzer Prizes, Academy Awards, and plenty of other honors and achievements. Moreover, at a campus tour, I salivated at the sight of complex equipment and elaborate projects that students instantiated. I was enthralled with the ideas of Augmented Reality and the BigShot Camera. I desperately long to be as successful as these virtuosos and prestigious alumni, which leads me to believe that the only way I can attain this goal is if I attend Columbia College.

Adjectives overkill right here. I definitely know why you put so many adjectives here but honestly, they're unnecessary and make this one sentence way too long.


Here, maybe some examples would be nice. However, I was always against listing "award-winners" as a reason for a college since it just seems somewhat shallow.

Overall, the writing is nice but the content is lacking. Your reply seems somewhat stereotypical.


This part gets a little more interesting. Focus on this aspect about Columbia and why you love it.