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Hey BEN what can I contribute to your community? (UPENN supp)


ekfoong 10 / 46  
Dec 26, 2009   #1
PROMPT TIME!Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community? (ONE PAGE MAX)

It's kinda long? Please, get your scissors out and cut it up!

I strive to be a Benjamin Franklin. Of course not in the sense that he's a man and possesses a Y chromosome, but more or less because he was a colonial renaissance man. He did it all: science, combat, diplomacy, and activism. I share in his sentiment of exploration through a complete spectrum possibilities to discover the boundless riches that the world has to offer.

Activism and the American Revolution solidified Benjamin Franklin's legacy. As well, there is a "Green Revolution" currently ensuing. As an environmental activist, and leader of the Chicagoland Greenpeace and PETA youth coalition, I have forged new environmentally conscious pathways. I founded my school's first environmental club, and went on to institute the very first student operated recycling program. I wish to be a member of UPenn's Environmental Group. The Environmental Group provides a lofty and committed platform from which students can really affect change. Additionally, I believe that the nature of the UPenn community is incredibly appreciative and open towards the notion of the Environmental Group. I was simply beaming when I heard that UPenn is converting a 24 acre plot of asphalt into "a thriving green ribbon." It is actions such as these which gives me hope that I can use my leadership and visionary skills to augment the UPenn community and perhaps the Philadelphia community as well.

Since childhood, I have found fascination amongst my organic world. Whilst growing up, my grandfather's encouragement refined my artistic eye and eventually my passion for art and science coalesced into one. Inquiry and observation reign supreme and I have come to the realization that Biomedical Engineering is the answer to my queries. Biomedical engineering is the means by which I can express the factual innovation of science while maintaining the organic creativity of the fine arts that I so arduously desire. Involvement in the Biomedical Engineering Society will present opportunities and discussion forums that can catalyze my knowledge enrichment. Like Benjamin Franklin's electrical investigations, perhaps with my unique "artistic" approach to science the Biomedical Engineering Society may provide a platform for me to make a revolutionary discovery.

Above all else, I would like to fulfill the role of diplomat. I still remember the day when embarked upon my first UPenn tour. My friendly tour guide had a beaming smile while narrating his personal anecdotes about why he loved UPenn. By the time we made our way back to College Hall, I felt like I was with him during his experiences. He made me fall in love with UPenn. I painted images of my roommate pillow fights in Gregory House, my late night cram sessions at Van Pelt library, my Quaker football game experiences at Franklin field. I wish to join the Kite and Key Society because of their high school outreach programs, tutoring commitment, overnight hosting, community service actions, and tour guiding. Essentially, I hope to use my own story of enchantment as inspiration to represent the prowess and legacy of the Quaker to other hopefuls so they may fall in love with UPenn as I have.

As a high school senior and prospective Quaker, I am approaching university with an open-mind to capture new knowledge, and a readiness to use my personal tools of leadership and audacity to augment the community. The University of Pennsylvania is right research institution for me because of the rich culture - both in and out of class - inspires students to not only observe, but experience. According to Benjamin Franklin, "An investment in knowledge pays the best interest." I am ready to invest in the University of Pennsylvania.
caisson22 5 / 16  
Dec 26, 2009   #2
Eliminate the last paragraph the one before it is a much better ending and leaves the essay on a good note with a compliment of how much you like UPENN. Also the last paragraph I feel is a bit unnecessary,But I do like the beginning of it so re write it maybe like this:

Above all else, I would like to fulfill the role of diplomat. I still remember the day when embarked upon my first UPenn tour. My friendly tour guide had a beaming smile while narrating his personal anecdotes about why he loved UPenn. By the time we made our way back to College Hall, I felt like I was with him during his experiences. He made me fall in love with UPenn. I painted images of my roommate pillow fights in Gregory House, my late night cram sessions at Van Pelt library, my Quaker football game experiences at Franklin field. I wish to join the Kite and Key Society because of their high school outreach programs, tutoring commitment, overnight hosting, community service actions, and tour guiding. As a high school senior and prospective Quaker, I am approaching university with an open-mind to capture new knowledge, and a readiness to use my personal tools of leadership and audacity to augment the community. Essentially, I hope to use my own story of enchantment as inspiration to represent the prowess and legacy of the Quaker to other hopefuls so they may fall in love with UPenn as I have.

Also take out the first two sentences of the second paragraph it can stand without those.

Well this was my take on your essay and I must say your writing is great I just thought a few things could be changed but they're just suggestions.

Also could you take a look at my Boston Uni. essay it needs lots of work and you're a good writer.


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