I think life isn't a destination, like everyone says it is. "Keep working hard and you'll reach your destination" or "stay focused on your goal". There is no destination or goal. We aren't travelling on a linear path, rather we are going in a circle. A circle wherein we fail, then we learn and fight back, only to fail again. Rinse and repeat every single day in our life. Now I know this makes me sound cynical , but it's the truth. Life isn't about achieving something, and then closing the chapter there . The fight doesn't end somewhere, it never will. So stop chasing a dream, thinking how achieving it will set your future. You cant --
"Hey fool, pass the ball, you blind or what?"
I woke from my stupor, to find a football lying next to me on my bench.
"Sorry, I didn't notice"
"Dude ,what's there to not notice? Can't you see a ball whizzing past?"
"Sorry"
Those guys were really rough, and I mumbled sorry many times over before they left me alone. I watched them resume their game, and before I resumed my own melancholy thoughts about the nature of life, I wondered what it felt like to feel free, to play with the sweat glistening on your face like there's no tomorrow. Or maybe be burdened by pain ,but play anyway. At least ,at any rate, I couldn't do that. I looked at the results again, and for maybe the trillionth time hoped to see my name on the list. But at 'Koshy Thomas' the list ended. And maybe for the trillionth time, considered how awful I was at speaking and how opting to join the MUN was a terrible idea. Maybe what I was aiming for wasn't my suit. It's like they say 'Some people are good at certain things, not so good at others'. That thought made me feel considerably lighter.
"You're making excuses ,darling" a voice in the back of my head piped up.It was faint and feeble ,but intruded into my depression fest.
"I'm not. I can't be good at speaking. I couldn't get a word out without asphyxiating."
"you're not the only one. Everyone who tries for the first time goes through the same thing"
That's not true. Many of the other candidates were first timers, and they did great .
But maybe they didn't and your just saying that to yourself because the brooding makes you feel better. You don't need to fight your thoughts and that's easier.
I wanted to argue back, but I felt like the voice had a point. I also noticed the voice grew stronger ,not as feeble as before.
So get up and go
Where? I didn't know what to do now. The competition isn't coming back,
That's not true and you know that. You know it, so I know it.So get up and get practicing. There is still time----
"Hey man, I hope I didn't disturb you."
'You did actually' was what I wanted to say, but one look at Thomas's crestfallen face made it clear this wasn't the time.
Listen, I need your help. I don't want to fail this term, and I need you to recommend me any good resource you use.
At first, I felt selfish. Sharing my resource would increase the competition, and I needed to be ahead of the curve. But before my train of thought reached its destination, the happy look on Thomas 's face told me I had already given away my secret.
That's the spirit. Now how do feel, hmm?
And for maybe the first time, I completely agreed with my thoughts. I instinctively felt motivated to do something great.
"Well then get up and go kill it"
And for the first time that day, I listened to the voice , and I am glad I did.
