Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 18

'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2


yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 23, 2014   #1
Hi guys, this is my personal statement for UC. I am such a horrible essay writer that writing personal statements is giving me a nightmare every night. I would love to get any kinds of opinions. If it is really bad, please enlighten me

TOPIC Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I immigrated to the United States with my family at the age of twelve. The challenge I had to face was a double-edged sword; either I gave up and knelt to a dramatic change, or I accepted the challenge to adapt and achieve my American dream. Of these two options, I chose the latter. My mom, who worked hard as a night shift nurse, gave me the determination not to give in to bad influences. Therefore, I always had to be responsible for myself in school and outside.

The challenge of learning a new language for a boy who did not have knowledge in English was arduous. My math class was taught in English, so were my history, science, and even P.E. I decided to think positively that it would soon change my life. After years of a tacit challenge, I was able to excel in exams and graduate from high school one year earlier by putting in extra effort.

There was a social difference, the difference set not by others, but myself. My self-esteem was so low that I encaged myself in a prison because I thought everyone would make fun of the difference I had. However, as I overcame the language barrier, I found myself being more confident. In 10th grade, I took one step outside my comfort zone and initiated conversations with my peers. It was hard at first, but as time passed, I made some friends and ended up joining to the Varsity Volleyball Team with their encouragement. This extracurricular activity gave me so much pleasure. The escape from a self made prison was an indescribable accomplishment for me. I learned to be more confident and adventurous.

After graduating high school, I went backpacking through North America and Asia. Every time I was afraid of going somewhere new, I reminded myself that I could do it. As an immigrant, I was able to adjust myself to a sudden change and it has been my strong point. During the trip, I met people who shared different cultural aspects. I frankly approached them and they welcomed me in return. It once again taught me the value of the relationship with people and ability to control myself in different environments.

Now, as an honor student and a Math Lab Assistant at Santa Rosa Junior College, I encounter many students whose first language is not English. As a first generation of immigrant, I know the hardship that they are going through. I always ask them first if they need extra help or whenever they have a puzzled look. I feel achieved when they appreciate me for the help. Furthermore, it encourages me to be a more useful person who can contribute to society.

My adventure at Santa Rosa Junior College is coming to an end, as I will be travelling fourteen countries in South America for six months next spring. I have learned to respect, empathize, challenge and overcome. I am sure I can safely backpack through South America with skills that I have acquired over the past few years. I will come back stronger and face another life changing adventure at the University of California.

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 23, 2014   #2
- Jiseung, I believe it would be best to delete this portion of your essay because it does not really help the story along. The paragraph after this contains the hook that will keep the reader interested and also provides the basis of the rest of the essay you are presenting.

You have a tendency to start your sentences with the word "because", please revise all of those sentences because one of the hard rules of English written grammar is that no sentence can start with "Because" or "And".

Overall though, the essay relates a very important personal experience for you and the succeeding aftermath of those events. It has some grammar problems that need to be corrected and there are certain parts that can still use some editing and revision but I would like you to correct the sentences that start with "Because" first because you will be using a totally different sentence which could affect the overall content of the essay. I will give additional comments and advice after I read the new sentences :-)
Archlefirth 3 / 9 3  
Nov 23, 2014   #3
one of the first things to do when you post an essay to EssayForum is to post a word limit

for the intro, make it more specific to the fact that you are an immigrant and that you

The hideous alarm sound woke me up. It was time to go to school again. The weather was beautiful as always, however, my day was going to be tedious as usual. After moving to America, I lost my passion for everything. I simply had no desire to go to school and make friends. I isolated myself from my peers because of my insecurity using my second language, English. Alone and detached from my new homeland, I [some negative consequence of moving/being isolated].
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 25, 2014   #4
Louisa, I edited my first personal statement. As you suggested, I got rid of the first paragraph and added another paragraph.

Can you guide me what I should work on from here on?

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I came to the United States with my mom and older sister at age 12. The challenge I had to face was a double-edged sword; either I give up and kneel to a dramatic change, or I adapt to achieve my American dream. Of these two options, I chose the latter. My mom, who worked hard as a night shift nurse, gave me a determination to not be inveigled into bad influences. Therefore, I always had to be responsible for myself in school and outside. The immigration experience grew me stronger mentally.

[...]
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 25, 2014   #5
Jiseung, the essay prompt asks you to choose only one of the topics to discuss. That is because you are being given an opportunity to thoroughly discuss your chosen experience, character,talent, contribution, or accomplishment in life. You don't need to try to discuss more than one interesting facet of your personality in the essay. I strongly urge you to choose only one topic to discuss and then build upon that. I feel that you should concentrate on your arrival in the United States and how you survived or overcame the obstacles that were in your path. The obstacles that you should discuss are the language barrier, social differences, and change in the school environment. These will all add up to a single experience that you should be proud of because it helped you become the person you are now. Your current essay just has too many topics going on and it tries to present one too many angles of your personality. We only need to see one facet, the strongest facet that tells us how strong a person you are and your ability to overcome obstacles in life.
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 25, 2014   #6
Thank you Louisa. I should sleep now and continue editing after school today.

As you said, I will focus on one facet. Thanks again!

Edit.

Before I go to bed, I just have one more question to ask.

Since I need to focus on my immigration experience, should I just erase my backpacking story?

Thanks!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 25, 2014   #7
On the contrary, you should definitely keep the backpacking story as a part of your essay. That story shows the admissions officer how far you have come since you first arrived in America and had to deal with a whole new world and culture. The fact that it shows you challenging yourself to get to know other cultures and countries by actually going there to experience it first hand shows that you have developed an ability to be able to automatically adjust to your new environments without any fear or doubt. It shows how you have come full circle in your development as an immigrant which can help you succeed in your new school environment. Keep the backpacking story. Enhance it if you want to. It is an important part of your essay.
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 25, 2014   #8
hey Louisa,

I am a bit lost, so I thought it would be better to just ask. I feel like they are all related my immigration experience. Can you maybe point out to me which paragraph I should cut? What are the least important parts of my essay? Thank you.
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 25, 2014   #9
nt, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

After reading the prompt and your suggestion several times, I think i am getting it. I will revise it! Thanks!
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 25, 2014   #10
Louisa, I made some changes. Can you please give me a critique?

I focused more on my immigration experience at school. The hardships I went through and how I overcame it. It needs to be under 500 words, but it has more. I will fix that later on when I am satisfied with the contents. Thank you!
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 26, 2014   #11
change in the school environment

Furthermore, I wasn't sure about the change in the school environment that I just left it out. I would love to get any advice. Thanks!
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 27, 2014   #12
Sorry I took so long to get back to you. I have some grammar corrections and improvements :-)

I came to the United States with my mom and older sister at age 12. The challenge I had to face was a double-edged sword; either I give up and kneel to a dramatic change, or I challenge to adapt and achieve my American dream. Of these two options, I chose the latter. My mom, who worked hard as a night shift nurse, gave me a determination to not be inveigled into bad influences. Therefore, I always had to be responsible for myself in school and outside.

- ... either I gave up and knelt to a... or I accepted the challenge to adapt... gave me the determination not to give in to bad ...

The challenge of learning new language for

- ... of learning a new language...

by putting extra effort.

- by putting in extra effort.

My self-esteem was low

- ... was so low...

joining a volleyball team with their persuasions .

- ... with their encouragement

I made to a varsity team

- ... to the varsity...

As a first generation of immigrant,

I empirically know the hardship that they are going through

I therefore always ask them first if they need extra help or whenever they have a puzzled look. I

yet I will start a new adventure in South America in 2 months.

- and I will ...

have acquired past few years

- I have acquired over the past few years.

I will come back stronger to face anext adventure at the University of California.

- ... to face another life changing adventure...

You are right not to worry about the word count. Get the message fixed first and the rest will fall into place :-)
LoveNYU 2 / 8 1  
Nov 27, 2014   #13
Yoyoprotein, I think you should make your topic clear in the 1st para.

You are asked to choose ONE quality/talent/accomplishment/contribution/experience, but it seems that you are describing a series of events (facing challenge of English, adapting to the new culture, and keeping working hard in school). I think this will confuse your readers.

Also, there are some sentences make me feel redundant: "What was waiting for me was new language and culture. I had to challenge myself to adapt to new culture and language." where you use "new language and culture" for twice, and "had to be determined" can be replaced by "was determined".

To be honest, I am not good writer, so my posts are all IMHO and I cannot guarantee that my feelings are correct.

BTW, please go to my page tocheck my latest thread. Thank you!
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 27, 2014   #14
Thanks Louisa. Is the content OK? Is there more I need to fix besides the grammatical errors?

Thank you LoveNYU. That has been the problem and I have tried to revise it. I will consider making some changes.

Happy Thanksgiving to both of you!
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 27, 2014   #15
Louisa, I made some changes for both 1st and 2nd statements. Would you please take a look?
I need to cut down about 50 words or so to keep it under 1000, but first, I would like to know your opinion about the overall contents of two essays. Also, could I ask you for the grammatical check?

I really appreciate you for the help.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 27, 2014   #16
- You should work on improving this paragraph to show that you wondered why everything these days are made in China. Reveal that during your backpacking adventure to came to understand the deeper meaning of "Made in China". You understood the word to mean a country with an economy set to take over the world stage that the United States used to lead in. Explain how you were exposed to the fact that China could now better service the world consumer population better than before and that economics played a role in it.

I am not really sure how you can combine these two prompts into one essay because they follow unrelated prompts. Are you sure you have to combine them into one? If you really have to , then you need to develop a transition sentence or paragraph that will bridge the gap between the two stories. Don't worry about the word count for now.
OP yoyoprotein 2 / 10  
Nov 27, 2014   #17
I'm sorry for the confusion. I am not combining those two essays. It is just the word counts.

Besides that paragraph, is there another part/s that I need to work on? I checked the grammars myself and they seem OK to me. Are there any errors that bother or confuse you?
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Nov 28, 2014   #18
Jiseung, I already made my suggestions regarding paragraph improvement and my other concerns in the post above yours. Didn't you see it? I hope you can work on the suggestion I made :-)


Home / Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2