'high Calcium concentration' - JHU Supplement

Question: ïJohns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

I was about to grab the remote control to flick through other channels while my cartoon show was having a commercial break, however a strange illustration of a human's invisible outline with only his back bone showing appeared on the television screen. The person bended down and his back bone broke. Then a doctor appeared and explained everything that was happening. That was the first time I found out how milk with high Calcium concentration could be beneficial in reducing the risk of osteoporosis. I was four years old by then; although it didn't convince me to drink more milk or even become fonder of it, it elicited a spark of curiosity in me of Human Biology.

So, when I started going to school I became engaged in studying Sciences, and my favorite topic is the Circulatory System. I think it's partially because of how my grandfather died of a heart malfunction and how a close friend of mine had a hole in her heart when she was born. Thus, it made me seek for answers and explanations on why is Circulatory System so important. At first I only read my textbook and other online articles, however, upon reaching Year 10 I discovered through our Biology class that we could also perform experiments in order to investigate our inferences. I found it exhilarating when we had to write an investigatory paper about the effects of exercise on heart rate, because the answers were already presented before me through charts and graphs, I only had to interpret them. Likewise, when I took A-level Biology I learnt how we can also apply such methodical approach in explaining environmental phenomena by using Statistics and various research techniques. I thought it was like deciphering a secret code, and I love how we can combine Mathematics and Science in order to make sense of the world around us.

The anecdote really captured you interest. It caught my interest immediately.

The person bent down and his back bone broke.

I was four years old by then; although it didn't convince me to drink more milk or even...

Thus, it made me seek for answers and explanations of why the Circulatory System is so important.

This will be great if you mention why this school will be perfect for you!

:)

The anecdote really captured my interest, but in the second paragraph, you go all over the place. You first connect to your grandfather's death, and then you list techniques can concepts you learn in biology and say the interest you. You demonstrate why you want to chose the major, but not strongly enough. Try to specify on one of the qualities of Biology that appeal to you the most to show a deeper image of yourself instead of a bigger picture.

I did the same type of essay that you did, but for Cornell and specified one thing to give a deeper image of myself and why I love biology.

How Is Life Structured - Cornell

But that is just my advice, you don't have to follow it if you think it's wrong.

Could you give my Yale Supplement Essay a read?

In your essay you might want to mention how you will pursue your major at Johns Hopkins and how it will contribute to the type of person you want to be. You did it for your high school classes but not necessarily your possible college ones.

Thank you so much for all the feedback! I really appreciate it.
I tried inserting the changes most of you have told me to put.
So, what do you guys think?

Really enjoyed your revised version. As others said, that anecdote at the beginning is the perfect way to show your development in liking Bio.
I'm a bit uncertain about the second paragraph though. It's great that it's specific in what you enjoy about biology, but maybe a bit TOO specific (then again, this is coming from someone who just isn't that great with Bio and sometimes has trouble understanding it..)

Your last paragraph is great at answering why you'd find John Hopkins helpful, but I don't think you need to start it with "So"

As others have already alluded to, you're very sincere and authentic in your response, and the opening is captivating. I think it is fine as it is.

Good luck!