A High School Fair Event
As the finance coordinator of the Relay for Life Committee in my school, I help organize events to raise money for the American Cancer Society. After my grandfather passed away from cancer, I decided to join RFL in hopes of helping others who are affected by the disease.
During an event (High School Fair), I seized the opportunity that there will be hundreds of parents coming. As parents and their children waited on line for the doors to open and the high school fair to start, the RFL team "walked the line," in which we talked to the parents along the line about our cause and how their donations will have significant impacts on the future of cancer. In that short period of time, we raised hundreds of dollars. In events such as this, I was able to exercise my leadership skills to help the people in my community affected by cancer. Not only did working in RFL serve as a reminder of my grandfather's persistence in fighting the disease, but it was also a socially interactive experience among people who share the ultimate common goal of eliminating cancer. (189 words)
For some colleges the word limit is 150 words, so I need help cutting down words. Any help/feedback is appreciated!
For the first sentence, I would put the name of the event. For example, During the annual high school fair for cancer awareness. Or like During the annual high school fair for extracurricular activities. I hope this helped
I would delete the last sentence and expand on the specific leadership skills you learned from RFL. For example, did you learn how to communicate with or direct a team?
I also would change the line "In that short period of time, we raised hundreds of dollars". Do you know how much money you raised? A quantitive amount would be beneficial. More importantly, though, did you reach your fundraising goal or even exceed it?
Kelly, the first part of your essay is very relevant to the expansion of the discussion of your extra curricular activity. It is highly informative and focused on properly presenting your position and activities in relation to the cancer cause. The activity that you shared is not enough to promote the benefits that you gained from this activity. The second paragraph can be revised to highlight the various extra curricular educational lessons you gained while promoting your advocacy. Talk about how this particular organization has helped you not only develop leadership skills, but also taught you about who you are beyond being a student and mere participant in the activity. Try to reflect on the lessons you learned there which you would not have learned if you were not part of the activity. That way, you can portray a personal cultivation and development based upon your participation in the organization.
During a High School Fair, I seized the opportunity to network with the families that would attend.
Just by cutting down some sentences you can cut the word count a bit. Instead of the entire "i talked about my cause etc etc raised money etc" talk about the skills you were able to exercise. I'm left thinking, How was this kid a leader here? What did you do except talk to people? Did you delegate a committee? Did you create a positive environment while dozens of families were waiting? Did you heavily impact your cause? How much is a hundred dollars for your group? (My SNHS has a constant goal of 300$ per event, so "hundreds" can mean two with a goal of one hundred or five with a goal of three hundred... I could be overthinking that part but hundreds is genuinely iffy to me). I guess that goes along with what others have said.
Overall, get to the point quicker with your sentences. It'll lower your word count by far.
@Holt @everyone else
thanks for the feedback!
here is my revised version
As the finance coordinator of the Relay for Life Committee in my school, I help organize events to raise money for the American Cancer Society. After my grandfather passed away from cancer, I decided to join RFL in the hope of helping others who are affected by the disease.
Initially, I had few leadership and communication skills. I did not have experience leading a team and was shy when talking to a large audience. But I gradually learned to combine the ideas of my committee members as I communicated my vision for fundraisers in order to reach our goal of $20,000. Although I experienced some failures in planning and implementing events, I learned how to plan more effective fundraisers as the year progressed. From the RFL experience, I was able to develop my leadership skills, improve my public speaking skills, help my community, and honor my grandfather's fight. (148 words)
im using this for prompts that have a word limit of 150 words, but some colleges require at least 150 words
i'm not sure what else to add, any feedback on how I can expand more?
Kelly, this is pretty solid revision for your response. For the prompt that require 150 words maximum, this works perfectly. For the ones that require more, I do not suggest that you try to expand on the content of the essay as of now. That is because the next prompt, for the increased word count may have other, additional instructions that will help you expand on the essay content. Or, in some instances, you would do best to rephrase the content of the essay to make it longer.
As a college applicant, you should be aware that universities are now wise to the fact that students just submit the same essay to all the universities they are applying to . There are now universities that actually run your essays through plagiarism checkers to find out if you have already previously submitted the essay to other universities. If you are proven to have submitted the essay to a number of universities, that will be a major factor for consideration when they study your application. It will not be good for you. While it is okay to repeat the content of the essay, it is best to paraphrase your content whenever possible. That mere act of paraphrasing will allow you to expand the word count in most instances and also pass most plagiarism checkers.