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'my High School Mathematics teacher' Admission essay of mine


anhminh 1 / 1  
May 7, 2007   #1
Hi every body! This is my admission essay. I am thankful for any your checking or comments:

Topic
Describe a person who has had an influence in you, and share with us why and/or how the person has influenced you.

My essay
Over the course of my life, there have been a few influential figures. However, the one person who stands out above the rest as being pivotal in my development is my High School Mathematics teacher, Mr. Phan Huy Tinh. Not only has he had instilled in me a genuine thirst for knowledge, but he also inspired the course I wish to pursue in my future studies.

In my first experiences of working with Mr. Tinh, he fundamentally changed the way I learned and looked at Math. This teacher did not demand my classmates and me to practice numerous Math exercises; he frequently explained to us that solving a Math problem is not as important as finding out the way people generated it, and so he encouraged us to take the responsibility of creating new Math exercises ourselves. For me, such methods of learning Math were not only innovative, but also refreshing as we were able to become fully immersed in the study of Math. Studying in that way, I really learned to love the entire Math discipline. As a result, I achieved two 'Prizes of National Mathematics Olympiad'. For this, I am genuinely indebted and thankful for the efforts of my teacher.

He was also extremely beneficial in steering my decision for University courses. As mentioned above, I love Math and I had previously dreamed that I would become a mathematician. I was always certain that after I finished High School, I would apply to study at a Math School in University. However, I approached my teacher to ask his opinion and he advised me that, although being a mathematician is an interesting occupation and will offer exciting challenges, in the present state of affairs my country does not need more Math theorems. Instead, what Vietnam is now lacking is Technology: new technology for Industrial and Economic Development. The Vietnamese industry is really in crying out for talented engineers with an innovative perspective. I spent a lot of time pondering this, until finally I decided to follow my teacher's wisdom. I will become an engineer and be equipped to contribute more towards my country's development, as my teacher foretold.

I am applying for XYZ because I feel certain the XYZ is the best technology universities in the world and will offer me the best platform from which to succeed in achieving my goals. Furthermore, I am sure my teacher will be extremely proud if I study at XYZ in the next academic year.

Rajiv 55 / 400  
May 8, 2007   #2
Hello anhminh,

I think the entire idea of taking your teacher's guidance so much to heart is very inspiring. It comes through well in your essay. You could have mentioned the name of the school you intend on joining, it is still your opinion, and it would'nt sound as though you did not mean it.
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
May 8, 2007   #3
Greetings!

I think you've written an outstanding essay! I have just a couple of editing pointers:

The Vietnamese industry is really [delete "in"] crying out for talented engineers with an innovative perspective. - If you mean Vietnamese industry in general, delete "The." If you mean a particular industry, put the name of it before "industry."

I feel certain the XYZ is one of the best technology universities in the world

Very good work! I wish you the best with your admission!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP anhminh 1 / 1  
May 10, 2007   #4
Is it funny if I say that I have to rewrite this essay into one fewer than 300 words? :D I feel it's quite difficult.

Can U help, and give me some tips to make an essay shorter?
EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
May 10, 2007   #5
Greetings!

It can be a challenge to cut out a significant portion of something you have written--after all, you thought it was important or you would not have put it in your essay in the first place!

Although you only need to remove a little over 100 words, which really isn't a lot, that does constitute almost 25% of your essay, so it's not a tiny amount. What you'll need to do is take out anythng that isn't absolutely necessary, and also just try to say some things in a briefer way. For example, I removed 20 of the 66 words in your opening paragraph:

"The person who stands out as being the most influential and pivotal in my development is my High School Mathematics teacher, Mr. Phan Huy Tinh. He instilled in me a genuine thirst for knowledge and inspired the course I wish to pursue in my future studies."

You really don't lose anything as far as meaning, but already that's 20% of what you need to take out that's gone!

You could take out this sentence entirely: "As mentioned above, I love Math and I had previously dreamed that I would become a mathematician." Your next two sentences explain adequately enough that you had thought you'd become a mathematician. So now we've eliminated 37 words!

"in the present state of affairs" can go, too.

"Furthermore, I am sure my teacher will be extremely proud if I study at XYZ in the next academic year." - You could cut this down to "I know Mr. Phan would be proud." We saved 13 words!

So, you see? It's not too difficult; just trim it down here and there and the words will add up. I've got you halfway there and I bet you can do the rest!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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