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'high school soccer season' - UC


GingaNinja 1 / -  
Nov 24, 2013   #1
Prompt- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

As long as I can remember, I have been a soccer player. I began my career at the age of three, playing at the YMCA. If I was not at a game or practice, I would be in my back yard, kicking the ball around. As my love for soccer manifested itself, I began to play competitively. By the age of fourteen, I was playing for the fourth best team in the country for my age, but not everything was going as well as it appeared. Midway through our season, our new coach for the next year was introduced to us. He would be assisting our current coach for the remainder of the season, then take over at the end of the year. By the end of the season, I had gone from a starting captain to a player who rarely saw more than 10 minutes on the field a game. After the tryouts for the next year's team, I received a phone call from the new coach. He told me there was not a spot on the team for me, because my skills were no longer adequate for the teams' level of play. The news devastated me, and for a short period of time, I took his words to heart. I began to believe that I was not a good player, and could not compete at the highest level.

As high school soccer began, I decided I might as well try out. I ended making the JV team, one of the only two freshmen to do so, along with a player from my old team. This made me realize that I should not let one coach's belief end my soccer career. I decided that I would devote the next year to improving my skills, and becoming the best player that I could. I joined Surf, my old team's rival, and began to train harder than I ever had before. My rejection had fueled me to become a better player. Every free moment I had was devoted to improving me as a player. I would go on runs every day, and go to the park on my own to enhance my skills. By the time the season with Surf ended, I had improved a great deal as a player. I went to try out for my old team, who had suffered in the last season under their new coach. He had been demoted to assistant coach again, with a new head coach being brought in for the team. After the first night of try outs, the new head coach called me, and offered me a spot back on the team. My year of hard work had paid off, and I was able to rejoin my team.
Kalikratia 1 / 8 2  
Nov 24, 2013   #2
I like your essay and the story is great for this prompt. I would just add a little to the ending, it's a little too abrupt. You go from getting off the team and then working hard to get on your high schools' team. At the end, your old coach asks you to play on his team. The story goes from a high point going to a low point, and again to a high point. You should make your writing fit the story. Other than that, great job and good luck!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Nov 25, 2013   #3
As long as I can remember, I have been a soccer player. I began my career at the age of three, playing at the YMCA. If I was not at a game or practice, I would be in my back yard, kicking the ball around.

Well... it is the same idea that gets repeated in different moods and hence it sounds a bit redundant. I wish you improve its organization.

By the age of fourteen, I was playing for the fourth best team in the country for my age, but not everything was going as well as it appeared.

By the age of fourteen, I was playing for the fourth best under fifteen team in my country, however, things began to change unexpectedly.

He would be assisting our current coach for the remainder of the season, then take over at the end of the year. By the end of the season, I had gone from a starting captain to a player who rarely saw more than 10 minutes on the field a game.

I feel this is too dragged. You don't have to tell every little detail, but tell what is most essential to present your story.


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