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"a higher understanding of engineering" - NASA Inspire Application Essay

snowfairy10 2 / 2  
Jun 11, 2011   #1
I am not exactly good at writing essays so thank you for helping.

Prompt: What would you hope to achieve with this program?

I wish to achieve a higher understanding about NASA and how it comes together to become such a successful program. I would love to learn more about the history of NASA and how it became so successful with their voyages to space. I hope to achieve a higher understanding of engineering and how it affects NASA. The chance to attend a camp such as this is very rare and can help me go a long way in life.

Prompt: What would both NASA and you benefit from each other?

I would benefit from NASA because of the chance to learn and the opportunity to experience things that are not available in everyday life. The chance to experience things with the group that made one of the biggest breakthroughs in technology is absolutely amazing. I would also benefit from all the information that I learned. This benefits me because with this information I can possibly put it to use when I leave the camp. I know that I will not only obtain new information and refresh old information; it will also broaden my horizon of career choices. NASA would benefit because I would bring diversity, competitiveness, integrity, perseverance, and teamwork to this program. Everything I do is a competition even if it means competing against the clock. I work very well with others and an always open to accept others ideas. I enjoy working in groups because you get to hear everyone's opinion and point of view on the topic you are discussing. The more you hear about each other's opinion the more you learn about each other. I persevere in everything I do. If I cannot think of one way to solve it I will sit and think until I figure out a way to solve it. Integrity is my most important quality; I am always willing to help others.

Prompt: Interesting Facts

Throughout the summer I volunteered for WOW! Science Camp and for three years in each I have been accepted. I also participated in the Lonestar College Camp for Robotics. I participated in the 2009-10 and also the 2010-11 Science Fair. I have been playing piano for six years and very dedicated to playing this instrument. This past summer I competed in a district competition and won first place. I then moved on to state semi-finals. I was nominated by my Language Arts teacher this school year to participate in the National Lead America Student Conferences.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jun 11, 2011   #2
Your description about how NASA would be benefited by your participation does not seem to be very convincing. Try to add more ideas and make it a strong case. Some help;

* you talk about diversity that you are going to add. Since NASA has a very diverse team tell them that how you can benefit them further. Do some research about their team and find out reasons that can support your argument.

* I do not know whether "competitiveness" is the most appropriate word to use. Hope a moderator would help you regarding this. However, you can capitalize on your enthusiasm and "never give up" attitude that would help drive your team forward when they drop motivation.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 13, 2011   #3
You write well, but it is not interesting. It is sort of generic. These attributes you bring... it is just a list of good attributes.

To make this more meaningful and persuasive, find the words to express the most profound insight you have gained. Can you say it in a sentence? Expressing a unique insight PROVES something.

Here is another way: describe a few of your short term goals. Describing some short term goals (in detail) will prove something.

Express an insight, or express short term goals. That's my advice to make this stronger. Welcome to EssayForum, Pascale!! And thanks for the kind advice you gave someone in another thread that I was just reading a moment ago...

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