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'Hindu-converted Christian' + 'Contribution is key' - UC 1, 2


Ellz 1 / 1  
Nov 27, 2011   #1
Here are both my prompts, please take a look and tell me what you feel + any changes i can make! Thanks :D

Prompt 1:

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Why is it that only when you put something down on paper, it starts to make more sense? I usually collect my thoughts and store them at the back of my head for a rainy day. The latest deliberation is whether a death can make or break a person. My dad passed away when I was three years old, leaving my mother and I on our own. I must be honest, I don't even remember the idea of having a father, and I became accustomed to my mother solely being my support system. She rose from the troubles of being a young widow, to support her family and give me an extremely comfortable life, and carve a name for herself into society; thus teaching me not to be dependent on others and stand on my own two feet. I have a brave, bold mother, who assumed the role of both parents. This does not indicate my glee over the death of my father, but one can only wonder, does God always have a plan?

After being an only child for ten years, a sister came into the picture. I was quite jealous at first, but I soon came to realize that a sister was the best gift I could never ask for. The mere thought of leaving my mother and sister and going to college abroad has plagued my mind over the past year. Abroad: Yes. I come from the beautiful sub-continent of India, from the (other) Silicon Valley called Bangalore. A thorough born and bred Indian, and proud! Which is why aspiring to go to a new place to live and learn is a magical thought that most other Indian students do not have access to. Thanks to the will of God, I do.

God; lets explore the presence of that divinity in my life. I have an extremely multi-cultured upbringing due to the fact that my father was a Hindu, my mother is a Hindu-converted Christian, I was raised with Christian values and my stepfather is a Muslim. The world of religion has always intrigued me, having travelled to the Middle East on multiple occasions to experience Islamic culture, living in India and seeing the expansiveness of Hindu ethnicity and Mythology while having strong Christian ideals. I grew up questioning the authenticity of everything, not merely settling for facts that were bestowed upon me.

Homeschooled till the age of ten, the idea of going to a proper school was an enigma I quickly learned to love. I have been in the same suburban, international school from fifth grade till my senior year, and will be graduating from there shortly. It's hard to stay away from the cliché but my school and I have become adapted to one another. The teachers have always been supportive and the general atmosphere is homely, a bit too homely that it will be hard to leave when I graduate. It is also the reason behind my concrete group of friends without whom life would just be dull. School has shaped my entire adolescence and teenage years, from the sports to the tournaments, the exams to the grades, the friends to the boyfriends, the parties to the gossip (Complete honesty!). It has been a great ride. Especially high school! To use the truism, it was where I "found myself" and discovered who I want to be.

My world has been completely supportive, especially my mother, whether it was taking up a journalism internship, taking up different sports and hobbies, pursuing modeling, doing social work or even trying to protect the environment in the small ways I can. All the areas of life I have been exposed to leave me confused about which field I should foray into. I could be an entrepreneur, a journalist, an environmentalist, a politician or a fashion merchandiser now. Multiple opportunities!

Learning to be oblivious to the hordes of achievers out there, the mere thought of just who can sometimes tamper with my desire to be a wholesome person is a hurdle I'm still trying to overcome. Thankfully, my upbringing, family, peers and community have shaped me into a confident person who wants to make her mark on the world as soon as possible.

There is so much more I want to tell you about my world, simply because I just had a moment of realization. All the small things I constantly complain about bare in comparison to all the good things I've had my life. I hope you'll consider including me to be a part of your world and help shape my dreams and aspirations too.

Prompt 2:

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

"Your writing is fair. But in order for the readers to take your writing seriously, it should be from an authentic source, not an intern's words." My first piece of constructive criticism from my first boss at a journalism internship wedged a little deeper than it should have. I went through high school thinking I was the best writer around and that nobody could articulate the way I did, but school newspapers and literary fests pale in comparison to the rigor of the workplace. No longer can you insinuate your favorite episode of 'Gossip Girl' into that fictitious piece of writing, or even tread by with the usual "my printer isn't working" pretext. At work, font sizes and colors are the least of your worries, as I soon found out. Contribution is key. If you don't have the social calendar imprinted at the back of your head, well, there's no succeeding for you. It took only a few weeks, and three published articles for my colleagues to embrace my flair for journalism. This makes me proud because since I was young, I have been able to express myself clearly and not shy away or be afraid from speaking my mind. This may seem like a very general characteristic but it happens to be extremely important to me because there are times when I have been lauded as well as derided for my active persona. This has taught me that being true to yourself and your opinions and values will make the world sit up and take notice that you are someone extraordinary.
Guest /  
Nov 27, 2011   #2
"My dad passed away when I was three years old, leaving my mother and me on our own."
Hmm, well. I like your first essay, I can really relate because my father passed away when I was young too; he was a Muslim but my mother is a Muslim-converted Christian, so my upbringing is somewhat similar to yours (we should be friends!) But, I think your essay needs to be more focused. The prompt said "your family, community OR school", so choose just one, maybe leave the part about your school.

Second prompt is too short maybe? Try shortening your first essay so you'd have more words to elaborate on your journalism work.

You have great writing skills:) Help with essay too! :D
OP Ellz 1 / 1  
Nov 27, 2011   #3
That's actually really helpful, thanks a lot! I'll get to editing it. And that mother and me bit...how could I be so careless? lol, i'm usually such a grammar nazi. :P


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