Hipster; Yale supp/Additional essay

Yale is definitely a reach for me. But since I'm applying to Fine arts (Yale fine arts is ranked #1) and have a decent portfolio, I thought it wouldn't hurt to try! this is the additional essay for yale, but since I've included almost everything i wanted to include in my application, I thought I should just do sth fun with this one.

This is my first time posting here! hope you can take a look at my essay and give some honest feedbacks! (ofc i will take a look at urs and give back as much as i can as well! ) THANK YOU!

Additional essays
In this second essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learnt from the rest of your application, or on something that you would like to say more about. We ask that you limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

Well, there ain't nothing wrong with the way she moves.

In fact, I found the way she moves fascinating. She posed questions to otherwise ordinarily accepted routine. She has an eccentric sense of fashion that somewhat draws a line to the trendy tribal look, yet is subtly inconsistent with the fad. She daydreams. She talks to herself. She speaks up and shocks other people with her unconventionality. She is on a sailboat against all mainstreams. I am a fish, swimming along the current until I my curiosity gave in and gullibility took over. I boarded her sailboat that moves in the opposite direction. It was not until later did it learn that she had a name, commonly called a hipster.

Struggling to stand out among my peers and finding my own identity, I saw the presence of her as something planned in my life that was meant to fulfill my wish to be different than others. I mercilessly threw away all my old values and opened up the spaces in my heart to absorb as much of her "hipsterism" as possible. All the music in my iPod were refreshed to her indie songs. My favorite clothing style changed to thrift- stores inspired fashion. Mom looks at my closet and flinches at occasional remarks that jump out of my mouth at the dinner table. I too notice the changes that took place within me. I was lost yet again in the midst of fitting into my new hipster style that I had pushed myself to adapt. I was lost because I had failed to see how much I did not even enjoy all that was forced on me by my superficial desire to stand out among others.

Now I look at her, dressed in rainbow tops and earthy colored tights with a bohemian patterned shawl draping over her shoulders. I plug in my good ol' music as I watch the great mob of color disappear in my line of vision.

Remember to stick to only one verb tense. (Ex: ...I find the way she moves fascinating. )Here, I recommend present. Also, at the end, it's *From my line of vision, not in my line of vision.

That was a really good essay, nonetheless.

Thank you very much! this is a rough, but i will make changes accordingly!

As hahahaha said, you should keep the tense constant in one sentence.


delete I?


again tense



Great topic, great descriptive words! I liked it! It would be definitely plus if you are applying to design related departments.
Cheers

thanks! yeah i usually leave all my tense problems till the very end to fix... but yep ill change them all.
But do you think i ve written too little about my changes and that the ending is too condensed?

In my opinion you did fine on writing on your changes, as most people by now know how individuals turn into "hipsters". I like your ending as well short, and sweet, however it is advisable to get on the edge of the 500 word limit.