Prompt: Describe the World you come from--for example your family, community, or school-- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
(Between 250-750 words)
Okaay, this is what i have so faar. Please help me improve this essay(: it would be greatly appricated!
People come from all over the world, each bringing something special to the mix of humanity. I come from a very common world, the world that makes up the majority in Southern California, the Hispanic community. My parents came to America as young adults, with no knowledge of the English Language or how society works. They came here with a goal, to make their lives better, to enjoy a land with freedom, and to persevere against the odds. My mom and dad pushed through the impossibilities and obstacles to make life for me and my siblings easier. I am first generation American, with Nicaraguan and Salvadorian blood running through my veins. My family has taught me that when all the odds are against you, it makes the accomplishments worth while. After countless failures and achievements, my parents were able to provide us with food, a roof above our heads, and eternal love. Their aspirations to reach for stars landed them on a cloud. They tell me, never aim for a star, but aim for world which you can conquer with hard work and perseverance. I was raised to always to my best and follow my instincts. I grew up surrounded by family, which is the antidote when the odds are against you. Because of the world I live in, my goals and aspirations are that much more important for me to achieve. I want to inspire other the way my family inspires me to do my best, through writing and literature. I want to graduate with a PhD, the way my mom is struggling to accomplish. I want show the world that I can make a difference. All it takes is a little hard work and perseverance.
What should i fix?
Hey Erika, its really a great essay (I've to admit its better than mine)... I'm pretty sure this is the MIT essay no? alright about the essay there are some corrections that I've done they're in red and some striking-out if you see...
People come from all over the world, each bringing something special to the mix of humanity. I come from a very common world, the world that makes up the majority in Southern California; the Hispanic community. My parents came to America as young adults, with no knowledge of the English Language or how society works. They came here with a goal; to make their lives better, to enjoy a land with freedom, and to persevere against the odds. My mom and dad pushed through the impossibilities and obstacles to make life easier for me and my siblings easier . I am first generation American, with Nicaraguan and Salvadorian blood running through my veins. My family has taught me that when all the odds are against you, it makes the accomplishments you make areworth while worthwhile. After countless failures and achievements, my parents were able to provide us with food, a roof above our heads, and eternal love. Their aspirations to reach for the stars landed them on a cloud. They tell me "Nevernever aim for a star, but aim for the world which you can conquer with hard work and perseverance. I was raised to always to my best and follow my instincts. I grew up surrounded by family, which is the antidote when the odds are against you. Because of the world I live in, my goals and aspirations are that much more important for me to achieve. I want to inspire others the way my family inspires me to do my best through writing and literature. I want to graduate with a PhD, the way my mom is struggling to accomplish. I want show the world that I can make a difference. All it takes is a little hard work and perseverancestep to go that extra mile .
I'm applying to MIT as well and if we get accepted then Inshallah we might be classmates. :) Hope the corrections were useful.
Hi Erika!
I like your essay! I have added some additional corrections to the ones that were already made by Murtaza -- and I agree with his assertions. Good luck with your endeavors!
--Mark
My parents came to America as young adults, with no knowledge of the English Language or how society worksed .
They came here with a goal,goal -- to make their lives better,
My mom and dad pushed through the impossibilities and obstacles to make life for me and my siblingsmy siblings and me
--> always put yourself last in a sentence such as this.
Ah, I think I must've overlooked them Mark... btw mind checking mine essays out, I really need corrections here [Tutoring + "Mother Nature", extracurricular activities and importance of an issue] (I made the originals but have put revamped versions of them in the comments section)
Thaanks guys!
ill put the corrections in and come up with the next drafft.
i really appricate the help!
